I’ve spent a very pensive weekend kids, thinking a lot about my life, the lives of my sisters and about bloggers, odd as that sounds.
I’ve decided that we are a very strange lot. Audacious, too. We think that people actually want to read what what screwball things our minds produce and all this surges from our gray matter down through our fingers, to a keyboard which helps us “verbalize” and then technology allows you to read what we’ve written. And not only that, we actually feel the need to read what you think. Comment sections, I would suppose, are frequently checked throughout the day and not just by the bloggers. Oh no no!!! I bet comments get checked just as frequently by the commenter, too. They want and often “need”to read reactions to their comments.
Kind of sad when you think about it.
It struck me Sunday evening that I’ve spent a lifetime giving great thought and concern as to how I’m perceived by others. This was, I suppose, instilled me at the hands of a rather controlling mater; one who cared a great deal about what others thought. Lo these many years later, I’m convinced that this did my sisters and I a great disservice.
In spite of things, my two older sisters married, had kids and live a degree of adult normalcy, but no, not me! I had to prove points, achieve and use wit and talent to be accepted, approved of and sadly, my career was my life. My life was my career. Entering the absolutely insane world of broadcasting sated every emotional quirk I had. It allowed those of us with intimacy issues to experience adoration from anonymous minions. This was easy to do in a world in which often, your only interaction was with a camera or a microphone. This allowed us eliminate the reality that there are a million eyes and ears hanging on your words….pardon my hyperbole. No faces, no corporeality to it at all. They’re not people, they’re opinions–but only if they leave a voice message or send a letter or e-mail and the people who do, I assure you, are part of a very vocal minority. But once contact is made, you’re suddenly aware of “them” and that damn “neediness” in you takes over and you start to dig what they’re telling you. It’s like food…manna from Heaven in a way. You realize that you really love their love—providing, of course, that it remains at arms length.
That was me in a nutshell. I allowed ratings and public opinion to validate me….and consequently, it also tore me apart when opinion was negative.
I got plenty of letters during my stint as a TV news anchor and of course, when that career ended and I ventured into the far more relaxed and laid back world of radio, I’d get e-mails and a lot of them. I could receive 100 e-mails a day and 99 would sing my praises; feed my ego for days like some water logged biactrin camel crossing the Sahara. But I could get one…just one negative e-mail and that would eat at me for days. For example, if someone submitted to me that they didn’t like me for whatever reason, I had this very strong urge to respond and “set them straight” . I wanted to tell them all the reasons why they were wrong in their negative perception of me. They didn’t know me. I needed to tell them, to convince them that I was extremely likable; that I’m decent, kind and I give to charity and never come to a dinner party empty-handed.
I WAS RAISED IN THE STYLE AND CUSTOMS OF SOUTHERN GRACIOUSNESS AND HOSPITALITY.
Did I mention slight paranoia, too?
Then, I realized and quite recently might I add, that in this attempt to change their perspective, I was really trying to convince myself that I was all these things. Maybe intellectually I was, but I didn’t always practice what I thought.
I got back into therapy after life came tumbling down on top of my head in late October. I was suffering from mental dysmorphia, convinced that all my negatives were just my lot in life. Mine forever. Well, not only has therapy aided me in seeing the error of my ways, I now understand the motivations behind why I felt the way I did. That has helped me gain immense clarity and as a result, I’ve rejected many feelings, habits, behaviors and people from my life who were vexations to my spirit. I’m not trying to be “New Agey” in spite of how it might sound, but these people took more than they gave and once things crystallized in my head, I knew that my staying in a futile, one-sided relationships, would only result in more heartache and I’ve had enough of that. I’ve stopped listening to the undermining voices in my head which told me that feeling deserving was being selfish and self-centered.
So, this past weekend I realize that I no longer want that or need that or them, her or him, though God knows I had spent years holding hope for a better turn out in a literal death grip. But it’s time to release and time to move on and mercifully, I have. I cried when I realized I had progressed and in doing so, left a chunk old, moss back Laurie far behind. I no longer want to be force fed opinion or ideologies no matter how right or how misguided they might be. And I no longer want to shove mine down your gullets.
When that very nasty argument was fought in the comments section of an earlier post, I realized that there are some bloggers who are crazy. Yessir, lead paint chip eatin’ nuts. Their misplaced egos are no different than TV news anchors or radio talk show hosts. Furthermore, when that ridiculous argument bitch-slapped me; it helped me realize that I need to cast all of that BS aside and continue with my evolution and mental and emotional molting.
Since starting therapy, which has forced me to face myself, I’ve had the desire to ditch this blog crap and rid myself of the blogging monkey which fed on banana-sized neediness that spewed from my back. I’ll turn 50 in April and that’s very definitely, a seminal event in my life and to be honest, there’s an outstanding chance, I will stop blogging as soon as the 50th ring starts to form in the trunk of the old Laurie tree.
But in the meantime, I’ve decided to dedicate this blog henceforth, to just comedy…or what I deem to be comedy. The post, which served as Ground Zero to that tacky battle of nitwits, was supposed to funny, but the battle royale transformed my blog from literary offerings and a place to opine, into a war zone. It was embarrassing to watch the depths to which the participants fell. It taught me a lesson. A very valuable lesson. For reasons I can’t quite fathom, my blog has a tendency to attract some strangely obsessive people–some bloggers, some not, but both actually think they’re sanctimony is relevant. When I realized that, I realized that I no longer want to subject you to that. I can’t save people from themselves. That’s none of my business, nor is it my responsibility.
Hell, I no longer want to subject myself to that either. People can be mean and rude and will cower behind an alias or initials. It’s easy to be bold, and espouse damning opinions when you’re obscured by the black, vacuous ether of anonymous blog commentary.
You come to read this nonsense because you choose to. Thanks, cool…glad you do and I want your reasoned input, BUT…..clarity blew away the fog. I now no longer need this blog, not for the reasons I once did. I will read the comments–good, bad or indifferent, but I will no longer internalize them, nor will I personalize them. You’re entitled to your opinion but that doesn’t give you carte blanche to come here and be arrogant, mean and anti-social. And yes, the same applies to me. If you want to spew your idiotic vitriol here…go ahead, but I will no longer engage. Especially not with people hell bent on being nasty or those that I deem to be weird fringe thinkers who wear foil and worphip pasta. Sadly, I’ve been guilty of both those infractions. My need to correct commentary wrongs was hardly that much different from the letters and e-mails I received on the job. I won’t do that again, nor will I ever lose control of my own blog again–even if that means deleting vile comments and the entire damn post, if warranted.
So, there you go. Just hoot from this point on. This will be the last serious, heavy, heady thing that I write and post..probably for a while. Why? You shouldn’t care what I think. I’m just me. To be honest chidrins, this change of heart is all for your benefit. Yessir, I’m doing this for you.
My God, I’m selfless!!
(Sounds of static and mike squelch) “Uh Houston, Laurie Kendrick here. The ego has landed. I repeat, the ego has landed”.
And it’s staying put.