It’s Obvious That Some Bloggers Eat Paint Chips

I’ve spent a very pensive weekend kids, thinking a lot about my life, the lives of my sisters and about bloggers, odd as that sounds.

I’ve decided that we are a very strange lot.   Audacious, too.  We think that  people actually want to read what what screwball things our minds produce and all this surges from our gray matter down through our fingers, to a keyboard which helps us “verbalize” and then technology allows you to read what we’ve written.  And not only that, we actually feel the need to read what you think.   Comment sections, I would suppose, are frequently checked throughout the day and not just by the bloggers.  Oh no no!!!  I bet comments get checked just as frequently by the commenter, too.  They want and often “need”to read reactions to their comments.

Kind of sad when you think about it.

It struck me Sunday evening that I’ve spent a lifetime giving great thought and concern as to how I’m perceived by others.   This was, I suppose, instilled me at the hands of a rather controlling mater; one who cared a great deal about what others thought.  Lo these many years later, I’m convinced that this  did my sisters and I a great disservice.

In spite of things, my two older sisters married,  had kids and live a degree of adult normalcy, but no, not me!   I had to prove points, achieve  and use wit and talent to be accepted, approved of  and sadly, my career was my life.  My life was my career.   Entering the absolutely insane world of broadcasting sated every emotional quirk I had.   It allowed those of us with intimacy issues to experience adoration from anonymous minions.  This was easy to do in a world in which often, your only interaction was with a camera or a microphone.  This allowed us  eliminate the reality  that there are a million eyes and ears hanging on your words….pardon my hyperbole.  No faces, no corporeality to it at all.   They’re not people, they’re opinions–but only if they leave a voice message or send a letter or e-mail and the people who do, I assure you, are part of a very vocal minority.      But once contact is made, you’re suddenly aware of  “them” and that  damn “neediness” in you takes over and you start to dig what they’re telling you.  It’s like food…manna from Heaven in a way.    You realize that you really love their love—providing, of course, that it remains at arms length.

That was me in a nutshell.  I allowed ratings and public opinion to validate me….and consequently, it also tore me apart when  opinion was negative.

I got plenty of  letters during  my stint as a TV news anchor and of course,  when that career ended and I ventured into the far more relaxed and laid back world of radio,  I’d get e-mails and a lot of them.  I could receive 100 e-mails a day and 99 would sing my praises; feed my ego for days like some water logged biactrin camel crossing the Sahara.   But I could get one…just one negative e-mail and that would eat at me for days.  For example, if someone submitted to me that they didn’t like me for whatever reason, I had this very strong urge to respond and “set them straight” .  I wanted to tell them all the reasons why they were wrong in their negative perception of me.  They didn’t know me.  I needed to tell them, to convince them that I was extremely likable;  that I’m decent,  kind and I give to charity and never come to a dinner party empty-handed.

I WAS RAISED IN THE STYLE AND CUSTOMS OF SOUTHERN GRACIOUSNESS AND HOSPITALITY.

Did I mention slight paranoia, too?

Then,  I realized and quite recently might I add, that in this attempt to change their perspective, I was really trying to convince myself that I was all these things.  Maybe intellectually I was, but I didn’t always practice what I thought.

Hypocrite.

I got back into therapy after life came tumbling down on top of my head in late October.  I was suffering from mental dysmorphia, convinced that all my negatives were just my lot in life.   Mine forever.  Well, not only  has therapy aided  me in seeing the error of my ways,   I now understand the motivations behind why I felt the way I did.    That has helped me gain immense clarity and as a result, I’ve rejected many feelings, habits, behaviors and people from my life who were vexations to my spirit.  I’m not trying to be “New Agey” in spite of how it might sound,  but these people took more than they gave and once things crystallized in my head, I knew that my staying in a futile, one-sided relationships, would only result in more heartache and I’ve had enough of that.  I’ve stopped listening to the undermining voices in my head which told me that feeling deserving was being selfish and self-centered.

So, this past weekend I realize that I no longer want that or need that or them, her or him,  though God knows I had spent years  holding hope for a better turn out in a literal death grip.  But it’s time to release and time to move on and mercifully, I have.  I cried when I realized I had progressed and in doing so, left a chunk old, moss back Laurie far behind. I no longer want to be force fed opinion or ideologies no matter how right or how misguided they might be.   And  I no longer want to shove mine down your gullets.

When that very  nasty argument was fought in the comments section of an earlier post, I realized that there are some bloggers who are crazy.  Yessir,  lead paint chip eatin’ nuts. Their misplaced egos are no different than TV news anchors or radio talk show hosts.   Furthermore,  when that ridiculous argument bitch-slapped me; it  helped me realize that I need to cast all of that BS aside and continue with my evolution and mental and emotional molting.

Since starting therapy, which has forced me to face myself, I’ve had the desire to ditch this blog crap and rid myself of the blogging monkey which fed on banana-sized neediness that spewed from my back.   I’ll turn 50 in April and that’s very definitely, a seminal event in my life and to be honest, there’s an outstanding chance, I will stop blogging as soon as the 50th ring starts to form in the trunk of the old  Laurie tree.

But in the meantime, I’ve decided to dedicate this blog henceforth, to just comedy…or what I deem to be comedy.   The post,  which served as Ground Zero to that tacky battle of nitwits,   was supposed to funny, but the battle royale  transformed my blog from literary offerings and a place to opine,  into a war zone.   It was embarrassing to watch the  depths to which the participants fell.    It taught me a lesson.  A very valuable lesson.   For reasons I can’t quite fathom, my blog has a tendency to attract some strangely obsessive people–some bloggers, some not, but both actually think they’re sanctimony is relevant.   When I realized that, I realized that I no longer want to subject you to that.  I can’t save people from themselves.  That’s none of my business, nor is it my responsibility.

Hell, I no longer want to subject myself to that either.  People can be mean and rude and will cower behind an alias or initials.  It’s easy to be bold, and espouse damning opinions when you’re obscured by the black, vacuous ether of anonymous blog commentary.

You come to read this nonsense because you choose to.   Thanks, cool…glad you do and I want your reasoned input, BUT…..clarity blew away the fog.  I now no longer need this blog, not for the reasons I once did.   I will read the comments–good, bad or indifferent,  but I will no longer internalize them, nor will I personalize them.  You’re entitled to your opinion but that doesn’t give you carte blanche to come here and be arrogant, mean and anti-social.   And yes, the same applies to me.   If you want to spew your idiotic vitriol here…go ahead, but I will no longer engage.  Especially not with people hell bent on being nasty or those that I deem to be weird fringe thinkers who wear foil and worphip pasta.   Sadly, I’ve been guilty of both those infractions.  My need to correct commentary wrongs was hardly that much different from the letters and e-mails I received on the job.   I won’t do that again,  nor will I ever lose control of my own blog again–even if that means  deleting vile comments and the entire damn post, if warranted.

So, there you go.   Just hoot from this point on.  This will be the last serious, heavy, heady thing that I write and post..probably for a while.  Why?  You shouldn’t care what I think.   I’m just me.   To be honest chidrins, this change of heart is all for your benefit.  Yessir,  I’m doing this for you.

My God, I’m selfless!!

(Sounds of static and mike squelch)  “Uh Houston, Laurie Kendrick here.  The ego has landed.  I repeat, the ego has landed”.

And it’s staying put.

Later, savages!

.

18 comments

  1. I’ll be back later to see what you thought of my comment. I hope it is funny and urbane. Witty but self-effacing. Engaging yet aloof. I better go…there’s a chance someone might be maybe thinking about reading my blog and I have to be there in case they comment too!!!

  2. “Ram”. I will overlook your attempt at sarcasm and be magnanimous enough to tell you that I like your blog. I’ve been remiss if I haven’t fully conveyed that. It’s very clever, as you are.

    Dear Readers: “Ram” is a very talented writer and the concept of his blog is actually, rather brilliant. To visit this master of all things “convenience store”, click on his name which is in light gray and check it out. It’s LK approved, not that you care about my opinion.

    Or should care.

    Well, maybe you should occasionally.

  3. That is a shame, Laurie. I have enjoyed all of your writing on all subjects.

    I guess I have always viewed a blog for a professional such as yourself as practice. You can try out new ideas, styles…you know, just exercise your abilities. That is what I enjoy about your blog, and will be sorry to see it go.

    The funny, of course, is good in the meantime!

  4. Thank Rick..that’s kind of you to say, but it’s more complicated than that. My blogging was a direct response to skewed need. If I can change my mind and dispense with all the bullshit that swirls rampantly in my psyche, I will. And maybe that will prevent me from preventing you from reading more of my hyperbole.

    This blog not only helped me immensely in sorting things out but it allowed me to write without the watchful eye and keyboard of editors–which I WILL NEVER be, by the way. It has been good practice for a myriad of things, but I no longer want to shove my opinions down someone else’s throat. That fight here on my blog last week, really helped me see the forest for the trees and to be honest, It’s a forest I really wouldn’t mind if Weyerhouser mowed down.

    So, whatever happens in late April will happen, but at least in the interim, you and anyone else who comes here to laugh will not be disappointed. Now, nothing I ever commit to is ever really set in stone…save for break-ups. I’m flaky that way. That said, I might go back to the occasional serious piece as literary sorbet, IF that’s of course, what the majority of readers really want.

    I do thank you for your support and readership, Rick.

    LK

  5. Rick was right, it is a shame. I finally find something good to read, from an amazing writer, and it’s going away.

    It has been a long time since I’ve read anything that was so well written, no matter what the subject. When I first read your blog, I thought you might have been a professional writer, a novelist perhaps. Your choice of words and the thoughts they bring to mind is rare, ie “…literary sorbet…”. It will be a sad day if you do quit.

    By the way, turning 50 is nothing. It’s just another day, just like the one before it. No big deal. You don’t wake up on your birthday to find that you’re suddenly all wrinkly, your hair’s gone grey, or just plane gone. The changes you notice, if any, started before your 50th, and will continue afterwards (DAMN!). They just happen so slowly that you don’t really notice them. Now if I can just convince myself of that!!! Seriously, it’s no big deal unless you make it one, or you let someone else make it one.

    Kev

    P.S. Please don’t go

  6. I’m so happy that you have your two wonderful sisters and their families; they truly know you and love you and always will. (Not a perfect love, perhaps, but the real thing.) Time to count your blessings, Laurie — that you’re not an “only child!” Ha! Even though YOUR path didn’t lead in the same direction as theirs (marriage/kids) you seem to have been, thus far, a person largely true to herself and, in the process, have brought great joy and laughter to others! And I know your witty self will CONTINUE, whether on this blog or otherwise, because your unique talent is surely connected to your life’s purpose.
    I think you were wise to withdraw some of the negetive stuff expressed on your blog the past couple of days. Such noise doesn’t really have much value to anyone, does it? Time to focus on lighter fare, at least for now. Yet most “comedians” have very philosophical flipsides, so I’m banking this will not be an end to your quest for answers to life’s deepest questions. I hope not because you’ve already acquired tremendous insights!
    I’ll be saying a prayer for you that your life will be making more sense than ever before, as you continue this course, with the help of your therapist, of self-discovery and deserved self-love. I’ll also be praying there’ll come a day when you’ll finally meet-up with a man who’ll be equally at peace with himself, as YOU have become… because that’s when the match will finally be right.

  7. Why do your sister’s name’s start with K’s and you are an L? What would the M’s have been named if mama and pappa Kendrick kept going? And what happened with the A thru J’s?

    Once again, Goose her up and all will be right again. Radio and TV were bad corporate choices on the suits parts to let you go and now you found a voice/keyboard to spew all of your brillance onto, but it seems that you, like me, get bored with moderate success. Chasing something better or pissed that what you have is not what you want.

    So a bunch of nimrods type some responsive crap that they deem prophetic, erudite and in the end pathetic, Kafka sucks. What did you expect this to be? Life changing therapy?? Maybe it was. Paxil would have been cheaper and taken less time and effort. Now that you are moving on I guess we must communicate random thoughts telepathically.

    FUCK, I told my last wife I flunked out of mind reading classes in high school. Now what??!???! Yours is the only blog I check into on a daily basis, most of the rest are mindless drivel that make me want whatever minutes of my life back that I spent reading rudimentary crap. And the way I got to this blog is goofy (you know how) to say the least. But yet I like it. Block some people (like you did me) take a fucking chill pill and quit making this whatever know all end all thing that you’ve made it. FUCK!!!!! I hate this post of yours today!!!!

    Smooches

  8. Yea, I didn’t much like it, either. I have noticed that when you, Kathy and me get on and comment each other or some other blogger, the comments come from outer space it seems. Vent if you must on your blogg, Lar, but never quit it. We have a great time and we enjoy meeting your new readers. But don’t leave us.

  9. Amazing what the Internet opens the door to; the paint-chip-eaters come around from time to time at my blog, and I usually just laugh (lol) and agree with whatever they are saying lovingly (no wait..patronizingly)….that doesn’t really leave them with anything more to add or counter with…it’s my own personal shut-up remedy…haha…and good luck with whatever you do, blog or not, because it’s about what it means for YOUR life afterall, and what you want it to mean!

    (as far as the comedy goes, you are but-gustingly hilarious, so I’m glad to see that continue for however long 🙂 )

  10. waiiitttt…..did I have three hours sleep last night? Yes I did, because it isn’t your comments that gust my “butt”, but the other way around, haha…surely you understand 😉

  11. LK, you are SOOOOOOOOOOOOO amazing!!!! I would sure hate to see you close down your blog, please keep writing, we love you!!!!!!!!!! I have learned so much from you and also you have made my day, many times better! Keep up your GREAT WORK!!!!!!!

  12. Crap, do I have to go back and read some drama! Look, I only worship pasta part-time, alright?

    Blogs can get very weighed down. And I do find the same sneaking feelings when negative comments come….you know, spending far more time replying to a negative comment than a positive. You can’t make a typo when replying to a negative comment, oh no! And I could chastise myself for obsessing over how many comments I get, or reply comments. But then I remember that this is how I met Josh. And Romi. And lots of other awesome peeps.

    But it is, as you say, your blog!

    I hope you do not depart, however. I enjoy your presence.

  13. I started writing my blog because I thought I had something to say. Its funny how the first few paragraphs really tear that through process apart, but it is correct.

    I wrote at first because, as my first blog states: I was tired of talking to myself. I thought that through typing I would better convey my thoughts and perhaps someone out there would understand where I am coming from and be able to shed any light on the situation. Still a young budding mind, I could use the path correction.

    I suppose it half way worked. You found it Laurie, and you seemed to see something in my writing. Thank you.

    Now I’m about to laid off maybe I can have more things to write about…

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