Well, the calender on the wall here at Laurie Industries indicates that it’s still early August. But that means we’re a mere four and a half months away from Christmas.
Or Hanukkah.
Or the Winter Solstice for everyone at The Daily Kos.
That said, what will the little ones put on their “Wish Lists” that they’ll send to Santa or Hanukkah Harry or George Soros this year? Well friends, as a one Bob Dylan warbled, “the times they are a changing”. Gone are the days when Slinkys and Hula Hoops and the games such as Stratego and Mystery Date could keep kids happy and entertained.
Nope.
Today’s more progressive child has to roll with the times and the times necessitate a hipper and sometimes, even more sinister kind of toy. Here at Laurie Industries, we want to help make sense of the new toys that today’s hipster kidster wants under his Christmas tree, Hanukkah menorah or altar/shrine of Barack Obama containing a flow chart commemorating his diasporic trek from Kenya to Chicago.
Here’s a compilation of the latest fun offerings:
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TOY #1
In the 80’s the happenin’ toy that every little girl and effeminate boy wanted was a “My Pretty Pony”. These colorful, plastic equine had long, color coordinated hair that you could brush or braid or what not. Kids spent minutes enjoying this toy, but did you know there was a glut of these things? Hundreds of thousands were made and eventually discarded as children eventually tired of them, therefore, “My Pretty Ponies” soon became “Our Ugly Trash”.
Well, the environmentally savvy toy wizards at Hoof Toys, Inc., came up with a fun and educational way to utilize the excess horses with “My Pretty Pony Glue Factory”.
Your kids will learn about recycling, the circle of life AND the manufacture of inexpensive household adhesives.
TOY #2
As a young lass, I had the standard issue Kenner Easy Bake Oven. I’d make a chocolate cake with the mix that came with it and about eight minutes and one second degree burn later, I’d have a tiny, bland cake that ended up in that fun, pretend bakery my mother called “The Trash Bin”.
These ovens are still around, but do they still make tasty snacks? No, but a few of the things you can make from today’s version most definitely rhymes with snack!
Behold—The Easy Bake Meth Lab!!!!
Become a Junior Meth chef and aspire to be just like Uncle Bob, now serving five to ten in Statesville Prison. Tiny Ziploc plastic bags, insomnia, rotting teeth, erratic behavior and meth related acne and skin deterioration sold separately.
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TOY #3
The fine art of pugilism AND same sex dating can be explored in depth with this new fun game that will also test your child’s manual “dicksterity”.
It’s called “Hump ‘Em, Pump ‘Em Robots”….on sale where ever Poppers are sold.
TOY #4
She’s in the news partly because she’s one of the richest 22 year olds in the country. Yes, you knew her as that incredibly homely child that grew up before our eyes on “Full House”. She’s since become a clothing magnate and communication billionaire and now, a toy entrepreneur. It’s Mary Kate Olsen and her bag is to gag.
Your daughter can learn this too with the new fun, menstrual-stopping experience that’s appropriately named, “Mary Kate’s Burger Purger”.
Bulimia is fun!
Comes complete with a carb-laden cheeseburger, laxatives, a bottle of Ipecac and a letter from Mary Kate’s attorney seeking federal immunity regarding any and all information surrounding Heath Ledger’s mysterious fatal drug overdose.
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TOY #5
Our last toy offering is geared for the older child…especially the one with horticultural interests. It’s the “Shiite Pet”!!
This easy to use entry into the world of meaphorical botanical terrorism comes with a hilarious instruction booklet, with a forward written by Al Gore.
And Norman Mailer.
You simply add water to the special martyr mortar which makes a paste. Apply that to the lovely decorative planter of your favorite muhajedeen; wait a week or so and VOILA!! You’ve got the perfect effigy with a full compliment of bedding plant that when mature, will resemble Koran approved facial hair and a big ol’ leafy kofi.
Hate Jews the natural way….by going green!!!
(Some Assimilation Required)
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Laurie Kendrick 
Sick, sick, sick!
This is called humor. Laugh a little!!!
Sooooooo, where can I get these toys!? I’d have all my Christmas shopping done with what has been shown here!
She’s in the news partly because she’s one of the richest 22 year olds in the country. Yes, you knew her as that incredibly homely child that grew up before our eyes on “Full House”. She’s since become a clothing magnate and communication billionaire and now, a toy entrepreneur. It’s Mary Kate Olsen and her bag is to gag.
What great fun. If only real toys were like that, eh?