Simple Truths

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10 Things Blacks & Hispanics Know, But White People Won’t Admit:

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1. We really want to date your daughters

2. Don’t even try to dance. Seriously….don’t.

3. Rap music is here to stay
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or sanitary and what’s with your kids, soccer and big SUVs?

5. FACT: Skinny women are never sexy. A girl gotta have booty

6. Thomas Jefferson had black children; a whole mess of them. Get over it
7. A 5-year-child is too big for a stroller
8. You really don’t think the term “cracker” is a little salt-laden cookie thing that goes with wine and cheese, do you??? I mean, do you????

9. A good ass-whooping keeps a child in line. No child was ever permanently scarred by a bitch slap
10. Having your children cuss you out in public is completely inappropriate. So are “time outs” as a means of censuring this behavior. (As a way of properly dealing with this, may we suggest all white people re-revisit #9….often)

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10 Things White & Black People Know, But Hispanics Won’t Admit:

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1. Hickeys are not attractive and should never be construed as makeshift tattoos or marks of “boyfriend or girlfriend ownership”

2. Bangs on a woman should not resemble a front end loader; they are to be worn down, on the forehead, not these crispy and hard clumps of hair that stick straight up to a dizzying height of seven inches above it.

3. Eleven is too young to date

4. Men don’t wear hair nets

5. Maria is a great name, but not for every other daughter
6. “Jump out and run, Tito. You too, Juan!!!” is not a substitute for having car insurance

7. Ten people in a car is about eight too many

8. Buttoning JUST the top button of your shirt does not a fashion statement make

9. “Mami and Papi” cannot possibly be the nickname of every person in your immediate and extended family which now numbers 257

10. There’s no getting around this one: Ethnic pride is great, but putting your last name on the back window of your truck and/or Chevy product in bold, Old English print is not cool

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10 Truths Whites & Hispanics Know, But Black People Won’t Admit:

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1. O.J. did it.
2. For the last time it’s not ax. It’s “ask”. IT’S “ASK”!!!!!
3. Front teeth should never be gilded OR ever referred to as “teethices”
4. Women should be sure feet are securely placed in the shoe entirely. Just don’t walk on the heels, squishing them down to the soles. Try as you might, you cannot turn pumps or loafers into a pair of mules
5. Your preacher isn’t omniscient
6. Jesse Jackson will never, ever be president
7. Red is not a Kool-aid or soft drink flavor; it’s a color
8. Church does not require female members to wear huge hats adorned with more flora than found in Holland
9. For the love of God, shut the hell up while watching a movie in a theater!!!!
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car

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EDITORS NOTE: Is this post “racist”? Hardly. It’s observational humor. It acknowledges the cultural differences we have as humans (and here’s a newsflash–we are different), but it also celebrates our similarities by pointing out our ability to laugh at these differences. The mere fact that we recognize they exist, also represents our commonality. In other words, we identify these quirks in each other and that, believe it or not, is the tie that binds.

Do these quirks exist across the board? No, but it’s an unavoidable fact that there is a basis of truth in every stereotype. In fact, I defy you to review the above “truths” one more time and tell me that you’ve never, ever recognized a single one as being relatable to a particular ethnic group…even if it’s among your own. If you laughed at any one of these or at the very least thought, “Oh yeah! I’ve noticed that!“, then I’ve made my case.

As I see it, if endless TV Public Service Announcements on race relations, desegregation, forced busing, “After School Specials”, hours of Sensitivity Training, the movie, “Billy Jack” and metaphors regarding Neapolitan ice cream and how it’s three different flavors peacefully co-exist in the same carton haven’t brought about detente, maybe humor can.

It’s worth a try.

/EDITOR