Simple Truths

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10 Things Blacks & Hispanics Know, But White People Won’t Admit:

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1. We really want to date your daughters
2. Don’t even try to dance. Seriously….don’t.
3. Rap music is here to stay
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or sanitary and what’s with your kids, soccer and big SUVs?
5. FACT: Skinny women are never sexy. A girl gotta have booty
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children; a whole mess of them. Get over it
7. A 5-year-child is too big for a stroller
8. You really don’t think the term “cracker” is a little salt-laden cookie thing that goes with wine and cheese, do you??? I mean, do you????
9. A good ass-whooping keeps a child in line. No child was ever permanently scarred by a bitch slap
10. Having your children cuss you out in public is completely inappropriate. So are “time outs” as a means of censuring this behavior. (As a way of properly dealing with this, may we suggest all white people re-revisit #9….often)
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10 Things White & Black People Know, But Hispanics Won’t Admit:
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1. Hickeys are not attractive and should never be construed as makeshift tattoos or marks of “boyfriend or girlfriend ownership”
2. Bangs on a woman should not resemble a front end loader; they are to be worn down, on the forehead, not these crispy and hard clumps of hair that stick straight up to a dizzying height of seven inches above it.
3. Eleven is too young to date
4. Men don’t wear hair nets
5. Maria is a great name, but not for every other daughter
6. “Jump out and run, Tito. You too, Juan!!!” is not a substitute for having car insurance
7. Ten people in a car is about eight too many
8. Buttoning JUST the top button of your shirt does not a fashion statement make
9. “Mami and Papi” cannot possibly be the nickname of every person in your immediate and extended family which now numbers 257
10. There’s no getting around this one: Ethnic pride is great, but putting your last name on the back window of your truck and/or Chevy product in bold, Old English print is not cool
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10 Truths Whites & Hispanics Know, But Black People Won’t Admit:
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1. O.J. did it.
2. For the last time it’s not ax. It’s “ask”. IT’S “ASK”!!!!!
3. Front teeth should never be gilded OR ever referred to as “teethices”
4. Women should be sure feet are securely placed in the shoe entirely. Just don’t walk on the heels, squishing them down to the soles. Try as you might, you cannot turn pumps or loafers into a pair of mules
5. Your preacher isn’t omniscient
6. Jesse Jackson will never, ever be president
7. Red is not a Kool-aid or soft drink flavor; it’s a color
8. Church does not require female members to wear huge hats adorned with more flora than found in Holland
9. For the love of God, shut the hell up while watching a movie in a theater!!!!
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car

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EDITORS NOTE: Is this post “racist”? Hardly. It’s observational humor. It acknowledges the cultural differences we have as humans (and here’s a newsflash–we are different), but it also celebrates our similarities by pointing out our ability to laugh at these differences. The mere fact that we recognize they exist, also represents our commonality. In other words, we identify these quirks in each other and that, believe it or not, is the tie that binds.

Do these quirks exist across the board? No, but it’s an unavoidable fact that there is a basis of truth in every stereotype. In fact, I defy you to review the above “truths” one more time and tell me that you’ve never, ever recognized a single one as being relatable to a particular ethnic group…even if it’s among your own. If you laughed at any one of these or at the very least thought, “Oh yeah! I’ve noticed that!“, then I’ve made my case.

As I see it, if endless TV Public Service Announcements on race relations, desegregation, forced busing, “After School Specials”, hours of Sensitivity Training, the movie, “Billy Jack” and metaphors regarding Neapolitan ice cream and how it’s three different flavors peacefully co-exist in the same carton haven’t brought about detente, maybe humor can.

It’s worth a try.

/EDITOR

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34 comments

  1. Race relations…

    Talking across the fence.

    “Hey Allen I told you that horse was insane, how’s your ribs?”

    “Kiss my ass, it hurts like hell.”

    We’re neighbors and friends first.

  2. I liked this, though my humorless fellow liberal arts students will bitch that it’s offensive. #3 and #5 on the first one all the way.

  3. I laughed at the one taking potshots at MY ethnic group just as hard as the rest. I agree with Kevin up there–funny is funny. ๐Ÿ˜€

  4. #5 on the first one ALL the way! I love my latin curves!
    #9 on the second one…lol I’m guilty of using Papi way too much
    #2 on the third one AMEN!!!!!! lol

  5. This is completely offensive. Everyone is the same. Exactly the same. Making up lists like this just widens the racial divide and creates hatred and bigotry.

    You all should be ashamed of yourselves.

    Free OJ!

    (every Wednesday at Dinah’s Hash House)

  6. Nigel,

    I am offended by your blatant offense.

    these jokes bare no malevolence

    This is all done in humor

    What’s wrong? Gotta tumor?

    You’re a mo-fo that’s damn sho dense.

    Love,
    The spirit of the late Johnny Cochran (as channeled by Rev. Jesse Jackson)

  7. C’mon, Nigel,

    Where’s your sense of humor? Laurie doesn’t offend anybody and well, a blog is fair game.

    Please hold your tongue with your remarks-PM does monitor her posts. Besides, if you disagree, that’s your business but don’t come on board and shame the blogger. She has a forked tongue herself.

    I know. She’s bitten me a few times.

    Sincerely
    The spirit of Fred D. Sanford.

  8. Nigel,

    Dude, you have to know how wrong you are! Old Man Sanford is right. You make fun of Laurie Kendrick on this blog, you get an ass full from PM. He’s like her watchdog or something.

    And besides, there was nothing wrong with what she wrote. It wasn’t offensive. I recognized about 837 first cousins in the part about Hispanics. I’m just glad none of my relatives are half Polish. That way, if they were to put their last names on the back window of their cars, it would have to wrap around to both windows on the passenger side.

    I get it, man. It was written in jest. I’m a proud Latino…Puerto Rican to be exact, but I know my fellow hispanics.

    I also know why there have never been any Latino astronauts. Because we’d honk the horn all the way to the moon.

    Gotta go. By the way, someone tell Dane Cook he sucks…big ones.

    All the best,
    Frederico Prinz, Sr.

  9. Please hold your tongue with your remarks-PM does monitor her posts. Besides, if you disagree, thatโ€™s your business but donโ€™t come on board and shame the blogger. She has a forked tongue herself.

    So let me get this straight. This is a “no free speech zone”? I can’t disagree with Laurie? I can’t point out her insensitivity and callousness?

    As far as her forked tongue, I’m not afraid of her. What can she do to me?

  10. What can she do to you?

    Well, your about one more terse comment away from getting a first hand taste of your own testicles.

  11. Email her personally if you want to get critical unless you want to deal with PM then this post will be another DM zone.

    You’ve changed, Nigel, ol boy. What’s happened to you?

    Bags of crabs,
    Fred G. Sanford.

  12. Now listen here, Misters Prinz and Sanford,

    Don’t make fun of Nigel because he’s a White Guy. I’m to sick to death of everyone making fun of white guys. It’s not open season on us. And besides, Nigel is “special” Just because he’s mentally handicapped is no reason to call him names. His white skin doesn’t negate his mental shortcoming.

    The next time I get pulled over for DWI and trust me, there WILL be a next time, I’m going to rant to the cops about Puerto Ricans and black Junkyard proprietors.

    Not a Jew,
    Mel Gibson

  13. If I didn’t know better, I’d think this site is full of mean-spirited neo-cons.

    Look, all I did is point out that we are all the same and that some people might read this post and take it the wrong way.

    Some of her “observations” are downright hurtful. She’s white. What right does she have to try to provide any insight on how a black or an Hispanic might feel?

    I didn’t think she was funny even one bit. Whites, blacks, Hispanics…we should all be searching for a common ground that is less abrasive.

    I notice she omitted Asians. I guess she could have continued this diatribe with jokes about Godzilla, cameras and rice. Would that have been funny as well?

    A story…my first day at a big west-coast college…My professor’s name was Dr. Chen. He was late for my very first class and the guy behind me asked…”is this guy Oriental?”

    The Asian girl sitting next to me responded to him:

    Oriental?!? The correct term is Asian!.

    So you see, a little racial insensitivity can be very hurtful to those around us. And this oaf sitting behind me completely ruined my chances of connecting on a higher level with this Asian beauty because he couldn’t keep his bigoted comments to himself…

  14. Ahhh, that was mean LK, I had almost, ALMOST forgotten about the movie “Billy Jack”! Now it will be back in my mind for another ten or twelve minutes. Thanks a lot.

    BTW, everything else is not only true, it’s FUNNY.

    Nigel, lighten up.

  15. Nigel,

    I second what my brother, Rodney King said on the day the riots broke out in Watts after the cops that beat him during a traffic stop were acquitted of brutality, “can’t we all just get along?”

    Gotta go. I still have a freakin’ headache.

    Sincerely,
    That long haired white guy truck driver who those punks pulled out of his truck at an intersection in Compton and beat the crap out of back in 1992 while an LA TV camera crew in a helicopter filmed the whole thing overhead

  16. No, dear, I don’t want you banned. But you need to shut the hell up with your comments regarding Laurie. I don’t want to see WW3 on her blog. PM will nail you to your own cross if you continue on this course. You’ve seen what he did to NTR, haven’t you?

    Just keeping an eye out for you.

    K——

  17. Nigel,

    I understand what this is about and it’s about more than your being upset at this post.

    You’re upset by our secret marriage and subsequent divorce. Well, it had to be done. We have nothing in common and I’m in Texas and well, you’re not and it’s all about the Sweet 16, you know.

    I hope you’ll soon understand why I had to leave you. It’s for the best. I still love you but I too will move on. I’ll soon get over you and God willing, the syphilis you gave me.

    Take your meds, Sweetie,
    LK

  18. Laurie…

    I’m just glad we did this in a community property state. That means I get HALF of the chicken-fried steak in your freezer.

    Sorry about the bad sex, btw. I was a little distracted by UCLA’s performance on Saturday. I only perform as well as they do.

    Karol, you now know I was kidding, right? I can’t believe you fell for it…

    (or did you?)

    Click on my name in case you are still wondering…

  19. HAHA! I thought that was funny from start to finish!

    Can we add that Hispanics don’t know their Soaps (novellas) are actually awful? You don’t even have to understand spanish to know that the music, costumes, hair and make-up is cheez wizz. My grandmother is obsessed with her 7 pm novellas. Every night… bad programing. ๐Ÿ™‚

  20. As an Irish-German-English American I am offended on many fronts.

    First, where are the jokes about the Irish? Once again we are excluded.

    Second, as an Englishman I’m offended that you would say that Thomas Jefferson had black children–but then again, he was a traitor to the Queen’s Country so screw him anyway.

    Third, as a German I’m naturally prone to violence, intense and spastic anger, loud shouting and small moustaches and NONE of that was featured on this blog. Don’t you know that the German people are God’s REAL chosen people?

    So take your little post full of hate-exclusionism and stick it in a watermelon filled burrito and eat it while wasting your time shopping at the Gap.

  21. OMG, the things I could add.

    Love it.

    I’ll be taking a collection to care for Nigel’s pets after he mysteriously “disappears”.

  22. I understand LK–thanks for not including the lawyers–I don’t include them either which is why none of my friends are lawyers.

    Post is hillarious and as for Nigel–well–I think he is just having an off day.

  23. Murph,

    As I’ve told you, I come from a family that’s rife with lawyers. For dessert, we ONLY eat torts. Cherry…apple..lemon.

    I could insert a “briefs” joke here, but I shan’t.

    Besides, you’re paying for lunch next week, right? I never slice and dice a barrister before he puts my steak on his expense account.

    LK

  24. Mr. Kuhlasing,

    As British man forced to play the role of a Yank wanker each week on American telly, I can honesty say that I take great umbrage to your comment. You think you have it bad just because the Brits, the Irish AND the Germans weren’t mocked?

    What about me? I’m British, sure..but I’m also Welsh and Yap Islander. Where were my insults?? Kendrick was being EXTREMELY exclusionary–far more than even you know, Sir.

    Yap Islanders are the most ignored group of dark skinned people on the planet. If it weren’t for the Yak, we’d have nothing else to look down on.

    Oh well, must run.

    Carry on,
    Hugh Laurie
    aka Greg House, M.D…..on FOX (check your local listings)

  25. Actually Murphy, I think I was in pretty good form today…

    You should have seen my act over at Moonbattery…

  26. LK: Of course I’m paying, er…my firm is paying… I mean I’m paying.

    Nigel: You were in great form as always–gutsy for sure. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Hugh: you are so right, I also noticed that dwarfs and other little people were left out–and my great aunt was little. At Christmas we used to toss her around the….um…anyway, what I was saying is that your are absolutely right.

  27. Hey LK. Another top post. Was that really Hugh Laurie? Good God what company you keep. He has a point; I’m Welsh English so where are the sheep shagging jokes.

    Freddy

  28. Hi LK, spring has finally sprung, the sun is shining in the sky, cute little birds are being shot out of the trees because its hunting season and it will soon be too hot to do anything but sit on the beach. Fantastic. A visit from you would make it perfect.

    I hope you are well. Keep these superb posts coming.

    Freddy

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