Everything You Always Wanted To Know About…

Sure, you’re curious about doo-doo, doodie, ca-ca, mierdo, poop, crap, poo-poo and of course, as the text above indicates–good old fashioned shit. We’ve had separation anxiety as a result of this stuff ever since were old enough to cogitate our own process of elimination.

So, here’s your chance to learn everything you’ve ever wanted to know about human excrement– the how’s, the why’s and the what the fudge of it all!

Don’t act all flustered and offended. If I’ve wondered about some of these things, so have you. And no, smart as….no marijuana was harmed in the composition of this post. This is a no-nonsense approach to your waste. The original idea I will admit is someone else’s (see here), but I’ve taken the concept and made it my own and of course, that means it’s rife with those patented Kendrick flourishes that well…you just can’t find anywhere else.   And yes, if it’s a part of my blog then of course, some of it is written “dung in cheek”, but most of it is also rather enlightening and educational from a scatological standpoint. Read and learn.

*****************************************************************************

OK, for starters, what is doo-doo actually made of?

You might be surprised by this tidbit….or turd-bit. Mainly because the consistency of said doo-doo is rather misleading. Your BM is comprised mostly of water. Diarrhea of course, includes more water…obviously. According to Medfriendly.com, you got your water, then the rest is made up of dead bacteria, protein undigested food residue (just hold your water, kids–I’ll get to the “corn question” a little later on) cellular linings, fats, salts, and substances released from the intestines (like mucous) and stuff from the liver, which I can ONLY assume, gives the stuff “character”,

•

What’s with the smell? I mean, why does shit smell like shit?

Because it’s shit, Einstein. You too, Enrico Fermi!!!!

Bowel movements stink because there’s an awful lot happening in the bowels from which they came. We’re talking a veritable petri dish of bacteria and these critters produce olfactory vileness. These are stinky, sulfur or nitrogen-rich organic compounds such as indole, skatole, and mercaptans, and the inorganic gas hydrogen sulfide. Now, from what I understand, this indole/skatole stuff is multi-purpose. These same compounds are what makes farts the nasal treat they are.

•

Why brown?

Bilirubin.

Uh, you mean Billy Rubin, the Jewish kid in my 8th grade class?

No, bilirubin.

Oh, you mean the new satellite country, once a part if mother Russia?

No, bilirubin, the orange yellow colored pigment. The one that’s the by product of the breakdown of red blood cells in the liver and bone marrow. Bilirubin is present throughout the body but most notably in the intestine. When iron combines with the stuff, it gives feces its trademark brown color.

•

What other colors of crap are possible?

Mercifully, dookie is almost always brown with some shades of yellow and depth of the brown color. But other colors aren’t unheard of and don’t necessarily represent a trip to the Oncologist. Color ca ca has a lot to do with your colorful diet. Black tarry stools are the result of partially digested blood…say there’s a lesion or fissure or bleeding polyp or a tear of some sort in the anus or intestine. Of course, bloody bowels can also indicate colon cancer, so we here at Laurie Industries urge you to see a doctor it there’s ever blood in your bowl… or bowel….or both.

Some illnesses in babies gives them green or even blue-green poop and we’ve learned from Medfriendly.com, that when babies are given solids for the first time, their feces can be a weird blue green. Why? I don’t know. You can also get odd colored crap from the weird things kids east. It can come from eating a concentrated source of blue food coloring such as ice cream or cake frosting. Sometimes brightly colored foods pass through the gut almost unchanged, and the turd may be speckled….kind of like kaliedecrap..

Poop can also be red if you eat beets or a lot of red food coloring. Certain red tinged soft drinks can do this, too.

White doo-doo? Not just for birds! Humans can have white bowels too, and nothing turns feces whiter, faster than barium…the kind of nasty ass stuff you’re given to consume prior to an x-ray of the upper gastrointestinal tract.

•

What is the cause of yellow crap?

The main culprit for this color of the poop spectrum us Gilbert’s Syndrome which seems to affect quite a few people, males mostly, in their teens. It’s a deficiency in the liver where red blood cells are broken down and these broken down blood cells gives poop a lot of its color. People with Gilbert’s Syndrome don’t process as many blood cells and their feces tends to be pale brown or yellow from the lower quantity of discarded red blood cell matter. This is especially true if there is less matter in your intestines to remove the excess blood cells. This is a very frightening reality to look down and see what amounts to bananas staring back at you. Once you’re able to wrap your head around this phenomenon, it’s far less scary. Gilbert’s Syndrome is harmless.

Another cause of yellow poop is a giardia infection. (LK knows all about this little these bowel dwelling critter. Seems they live in everything in Mexico. They they should just bottle the germs and sell it in the street corner!!).

But here’s a question I have that no one seems to be able to answer: Have you ever shat these weird, sand-like granuals? Is it just me then? Am I the only SAHARA ass on the planet?????

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

•

And green poop? What of that?

Healthy people can have green poop if they eat a diet rich in leafy green vegetables–like spinach. And green BM can occur if the person easts a lot of food coloring (in ice cream, cake frosting etc.).

Green-ness can also be caused by excess iron in the diet, from dietary supplements, for example. If the body doesn’t absorb all the iron consumed, the iron may stain the poop green, the color of iron (II) salts. Ordinarily, the green color may be masked by the normal brown poop color, but if digestion is hampered by illness so that bilirubin is less concentrated in the intestine, the green color may become visible.

Green poop in sick babies may come from iron in baby formula not being properly absorbed, or by green pigments in bile salts (again, green from iron). Parents, you know ALL TOO WELL what Infamil with Iron baby shit looks like, smells like and in some cases, feels like.

I can also attest to the fact that eating a lot of seaweed-wrapped sushi will also result in verdant ca-ca.

•

Are there people who eat shit…I mean, other than most of Laurie’s ex-boyfriends? (EDITOR’S NOTE: She isn’t bitter or nuthin’)

Yes, believe it or not, we all have, at one point or another. One of the main ways that diseases and parasites spread is through the consumption of food and water contaminated with feces. This happens because people don’t wash their hands carefully after pooping or changing a diaper or scratching their butt. It can also happen through careless disposal of diapers or improper hygiene after defecation..

But of course, the probing question here is about the poor souls who actually eat doo doo on purpose? Yes, Virginia…there is a Santa Claus and in this case, he participates in what’s called coprophagy, Some people with severe developmental and psychological disorders practice pica, the consumption of non-food items, including coprophagy, the ingestion of feces. Sometimes, young kids eat a hand load themselves.. Coprophagy can also be deemed as very unusual sexual practice, not to mention one hell of a first date spoiler.

I read once about a young man who was curious…so he made a sample in order for him to sample. He pinched a little poo and tasted it. When asked what it was like, he responded that it tasted like shit.

There you go.

•

Can you get sick from eating doodie?

Oh God yes, you can definitely get sick from eating excrement, even in minute quantities! Although urine emerges sterile from the body (unless the person has an infection), poop emerges loaded with bacteria and sometimes other life forms. Many diseases, including food poisoning, cholera and typhus, are spread by fecal contamination. Many parasites, such as the notorious tapeworm, can be spread through deliberate or accidental ingestion of poop.

Pinworms are a prime parasitic example. These are small nematodes that live in the colon. The females emerge from the anus at night to lay their eggs and egg laying (in the skin) makes the anal area itch. The sleeping person scratches the itch, this results in a small amount of fecal matter and pinworm eggs under his or her fingernails, and then if he or she puts his or her fingers in his or her mouth and then he or she swallows, well..that starts the whole pinworm infection process all over again..

Luckily, we’ll only notice we have pinworms if we a severe case of pinworms..as in a lot of them. What do you do if you have pinworms? Get someone you really, really, really trust who knows you intimately to gently touch around your anal area with Scotch tape while you are sleeping. Sticky side on the stinky side, please. The worms will stick to the tape and you’ll be able to see them. Apparently, these vile little things only only come out at night. Even so, the legend of the pinworm actually focuses on whether there’s enough light enabling little critters to see their shadows or not.

If they do, it’s six more weeks of rectal itch.

•

What’s undigested food in your stuff? And yeah, I’m asking about corn.

If food appears in the feces looking a whole helluva like like it did BEFORE you put it in your mouth, the answer is simple. It just means your food hasn’t been digested. The stomach includes some powerful enzymes and strong acids…worthy of being hidden under tons of sand by Iraqi madmen. But even so, this anzyme/acid tag team duo can’t digest everything, especially the stuff with a really high amount of dietary fiber which can’t be digested by the body human because it’s resistant to hydrosis…the process by which a substance is broken down by splitting it’s chemical bond and adding water to it. Since fiber can’t be digested, it passes through the body virtually unchanged and can’t be used as an energy source. Examples of foods that aren’t digested well by the human body include peanuts, peas, carrots, cereals, beans and ta da!!!! CORN!!! The jacket of each kernel is made of pure cellulose.

And check this out: research suggests that the more a food is cooked, the more difficult it is for the body to digest it. The higher the temperature that the food is cooked, the longer it will stay in the digestive system, This means sometimes there are cooked foods…ones that are grown or processed with a lot of chemicals, that end up staying in the intestine up to 72 hours before complete digestion takes place. That’s a lot of time for those chemicals to leach out of the food and God know WHAT these things can be doing to your system. We’re talking some heavy duty doodie. Cancer causing carcinogens.

Now, here’s where a high fiber diet comes in to play. Fiber attracts water to the colon. Water flushes food out faster, thus eliminating the “stay time” food has in the colon. This reduces the chance for those carinogens to leach into the system and this reduces the liklihood of colon and intestinal cancer.

•

What is diarrhea? What causes it?

It’s an irritation really. A big old irritation in the intestines. This results in the bowel passing its contents too fast for the water to be absorbed. The causes? There are several: infection by bacteria or viruses, irritation caused by unfamiliar foods, food allergies, chronic illnesses such as inflammatory bowel disease, lactose intolerance, certain medications can do it and of course, nervous tension can liquefy a turd faster than a Hamilton Beach blender!! If the problem is persistent problem, don’t mess around. Seriously, see a doctor. You can die from dehydration.

•

Do most people wipe their residual rectal oozings standing up or while still sitting down and lastly, are there gender differences?

Interesting question…goes along the lines with the same inquires about toilet paper…do you fold, wrap or wad? But I digress..most people wipe while still in a sitting position, but quite a few females say they do it standing up. Why sitting down? Those surveyed said remaining in a sitting down position spreads the cheeks apart and makes for optimum wiping. Never thought of that, but…OK.

Toilet habits very from culture to culture. In Europe, for example, that water fountain in the bathroom isn’t for drinking. It’s a bidet for hosing off after using the toilet. Oh, how the bidet is under marketed AND under utilized in this country. Every woman should have one. And be sure it has geyser like water pressure..you know…just for grins.

•

Just how does doo-doo stay together, you know…like in links?

In humans, soft poop is really one long, mostly continuous sausage before it comes out. It gets its “link” look because we tend to pinch off lengths of it with the anal sphincter as the poop emerges. You know, like a big Play-Dough Fun Factory in your ass. If a person pinches hard enough, the poop separates into several turd units. If the person doesn’t pinch that hard, the turds may stay connected.

If you can remain sufficiently relaxed, you can produce an awesomely long poop that will coil up inside the toilet.

Oh goodie!!!

•

Please explain what in the hell makes shit float?

Floaters vs. sinkers…an age old conundrum. Turds that float have an unusually high gas content. Sometimes the gases produced by bacteria in the stomach don’t have a chance to collect into a fart. Instead, it gets dispersed in feces. The poop then comes out foamy and frothy…like soft serve at the Tasty Freeze. It has a lower density than water. Ca-ca with a high fat content will also float. Oh..had the victims of the Titanic only known this!!!! Yeah right….like crap would’ve kept them from freezing.

•

What causes the burning sensation sometimes associated with ca-ca?

This is generally caused by a recent meal of hot peppers or related spices. Curry..even garlic can create “hot shit:. The oils generated from the afore mentioned foods, remain intact and active all the way through one’s gastrointestinal system. These oils can also generate the sensation of “hot farts”. These are also known as “bubblers”. Don’t act repulsed or amazed. You’ve had them. Hell, we’ve all had them.

•

Why does some dookie hurt when it comes out?

Ever felt like you were passing barbed wire? Or one that was riddled with sticker burrs? Or maybe you’d somehow eaten a cheese grater 12-hours earlier? Here’s the explanation. Turds can get very large and dry if a person is constipated, this causing painful stretching of the anal opening. The process can be exacerbated if the pooper has hemorrhoid, or engorged veins in the anal area. Pooping can also be painful if the person suffers from an anal fissure, a tear in the tissue of the rectum.

•

Does eating meat make doo-doo and farts stink? There’s evidence, right?

Yes, meat is just a heavy doodie foodstuff….pun intended. It’s a protein that’s got a lot of sulfides and these critters for some reason, lend themselves to stinkier farts and feces. This is the reason that the poop of carnivores such as humans dogs, cats and snakes smells worse than the poop of herbivores such as cows and horses an human vegans..(LK NOTE: Eating meat grown, processed and cooked in Mexico, can create farts with the potency to kill six million Kurds)

•

Is it possible for a man to have poop come out of his penis, or for a woman to poop vaginally?

Holy rotted colon, Batman–this is one helluva question!!

The answer to your query, faithful homo-erotic ward of Bruce Wayne, is no..at least, not normally. Fortunately the plumbing of the genitalia is entirely separate from the plumbing of the digestive system! However, there are certain pathological situations that can cause the pipes to get connected together wrong. Cancer can do it, as can surgical diversions of the human tubing. Such fistulas, as they are called, can cause feces to come out of the urinary system, or urine to come out of the anus, but it’s rare.

•

We’ve heard of the term, “a shitload”. With that said, what’s the most a person can ever defacate?

A typical shitload in the intestines of the typical human can range from five to 25 pounds, but the actual amount depends on diet, weight and general health. How much of that is eliminated in one “shitting” is a variable that’s impossible to determine without the subject actually crapping directly on a scale.

Wanna hear something weird? It’s been said that if you eat a traditional American diet–one that includes a lot of processed foods–a small portion of the very first meal you ever ate, can still be found in one form or another, lingering in your intestines

So, my good people, that means in the depths of your behinds, there is still some Heinz.

Or Gerbers.

.