Where The Grass Is Always Greener

It was early April and Hillary Clinton was in a pensive mood. She sat in the back of her limousine, headed for yet another speaking engagement. Her Democratic rival, Barack Obama and his unfathomable success in this race weighed heavily on her mind.

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“How in the hell do I beat this political juggernaut?”, Hillary thought to herself. “More importantly, how in the hell is he beating me?  He’s a nobody…still wet behind those enormous satellite dishes he calls ears.  What happened? I used to be the single most influential woman in the world behind Kirstie Alley!”

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She looked out the window as her limo sped down some anonymous freeway in yet another anonymous city. Then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw two incredibly gaunt and unhealthy looking men on the side of the road, eating grass. She ordered her driver to stop, then got out to investigate.

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“Hello, my fellow Americans. I’m Hillary Clinton and I’m hoping to be the Democratic candidate for president this coming November.”

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“Hello.” the two men replied in unison.

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‘I’m the most qualified candidate, far more experienced than my opponent, Barack Obama. It makes sense that I should be the candidate. Besides, I’ve already lived in the White House; I know where the closets are.”

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The men didn’t even look up this time. They just nodded their heads and kept on eating grass.

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This situation intrigued Hillary. “I have to ask; why are two grown men eating grass by the side of a busy freeway?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” one man man replied. “I’ve been out of work since your husband left office and well, grass is free and makes for a decent fiber substitute.”

“Well, unemployment is NO reason to go hungry. Since I’m also the most empathetic Democratic hopeful, let me demand a camera crew capture this moment and when it does, I’ll invite you both to come with me to my house”, instructed Hillary.

“But Mrs. Clinton, , I have a wife and two children with me!”

“Bring them along!” said Hillary.

She turned to the other man and said, “You come with us, too. The more the merrier”

“But Mrs. Clinton, I’m not alone. I have a wife and six children!”, he answered.

“Bring them as well! ” answered tHillary as she headed back to her limo, not waiting for the camera crew her press secretary just requested. Hillary thought to herself, “I don’t need the press for this, but I’ll have it in my quiver to pull out when I need it.”

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

As they limo pulled back onto the highway, one of the poor fellows says,” Mrs. Clinton, it’s true what we’re hearing in the news about you. You are in fact, extremely kind and concerned about your constituents’ welfare. You are too kind and not only the most qualified to be president, but certainly the most empathetic. You’re sweet, giving and completely selfless. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

Hillary smiled. “Trust me, I’m glad to do it. I made a vow to take care of my fellow Americans. I’m taking you to my estate in Massapequa.”

The homeless passengers smiled upon hearing the news. One man asked, “You mean you’re taking us to your New York mansion?”

“Yes, I am”, replied Hillary. ” What’s the use of having 109-million dollars in the bank unless you can do some good with it! Look, the reality is my manse is big and way underutilized with me on the campaign trail and Bill gallivanting around all hours of the day and night and my daughter, Chelsea is campaigning for me, telling people things are none of their business, so bringing you there is the right thing to do. Besides, you’ll love it there. The grass is almost a foot high in the backyard!”