Resignation

Surrender.     Resignation.     Settling, not for less, but by means of finding one’s comfort zone in areas where comfort can’t exist.

A lot of has happened i the past four days.      Not just to me, but to  so many people.

Every day, people are diagnosed with horrific diseases that are more thieves than anything else.  They steal from us, take from us.    If there were only police who could arrest these bastard illnesses.   A judge that would take them to trial and a jury that would convict them.    I’d love to see leukemia in handcuffs, dementia behind bars, stage 4 kidney failure strapped to a gurney with a steady drip of Sodium thiopental entering its vein.   I’d love to see the life snuffed out of death, for once.

Every day, people die of broken hearts. Coronary artery disease takes its fair share…..so does sadness , a bottle of opiates and a quart of Vodka.    Bit what does that do?  It prolongs the heartache on both sides of the bottle.

Every day, people lose loved ones.   My God, Death has been busy in 2017.    I would like to think he’ll take a respite in  2018.    I’ll be happy to pay for his one way ticket day to…..anywhere else.

It took me seven years to get my college degree;  almost ten years to pay it off.  I had a 31 year carer in broadcasting.  Never made a cent.    I’ve been retired for five years retired bow and what have I done?  I blogged and whined.

But aside from that,  I feel as though I’m standing  at a  great precipace…..on one side, is everything I’ve ever known in my life.    On the other side, is everything I’ve ever feared.     As I teeter back of froth from vertigo caused by fear and uncertainty, I can’t tell the difference between the two sides.    Fear blurs everything.

I’ve had an extremely complicated 58 year relationship with my almost 87-year-old mother.     She is rapidly losing a very short fought battle with dementia and I’ll probably have to  sign her DNR….do not resuscitate      I understand why.  Trying to resuscitate   a frail dementia victim is more deadly that the disease itself    Chest walls can cave in.  lungs collapse.  Death then only give you the option of how your loved one dies.

Basaically,  I have to determinate that when the time comes and it will, I must allow the woman who gave me life, to die.

And it is killing me.

 

 

 

 

 

2 comments

  1. I am so so sad with you, my old friend. I feel it with you. Please, please call me any hour any day for any reason. Laughs? We’ll do that, we always have. Crys? Gotcher back, Blondezilla. Anything you need.

  2. It is excruciating. Any decision you make here bears more burdens than most, but don’t lose focus on the ultimate gift you may give. There may come a time when a decision that seems so horribly wrong to have to make will bring the biggest blessing and show the greatest love and kindness. And, I fully believe that the best thing about these very distressing parts of life is that when its over here on earth all of my departed friends & loved ones will and do understand everything, finally. Sending you a big hug.

And now, you may opine your ass off...

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