Yesterday, I turned 58. Didn’t you see the skywriting? The fireworks ? Didn’t you feel the Earth’s axis shift a smidge???
My family made a very big deal of my reaching this milestone at this particular time in my life. . I’m grateful that they did. The was tthe first birthday I’ve celebrated in years. I haven’t honored my own birthday very much. I’d ignore it since everyone else did, but that was my fault. Why it was my fault isn’t important. Just know that I’m aware I was to blame. I accept that responsibility.
Anyway, my birthday celebration started in earnest on Friday afternoon. That was one stoned groove, people.
Then on Saturday, my sisters and niece whisked me away from the hills to be with other family members and that was equally delightful. I ate everything that was wrong and drank waaaay too much and now I’m so bloated that if I looked down and saw the word Hindenburg written on my stomach, I wouldn’t be surprised
As stated, it was the first real birthday celebration in years. I remember one a particular April 22. It started like any other day and promised to end like any other day as well. Ordinary. Nothing special. Usually, I was blaise about my birthday. but as the day progressed, I began to feel sorry for myself, I don’t remember the exact year, but I know it fell within a time I call, “The Years of Without”. Everybody has them at various points in life. For me, I was broke as hell and either unemployed or severely underemployed. Still, I wanted to acknowledge my birthday, even in some extremely limited way.
I desperately searched old jeans pockets, winter coat pockets, couch cushions and the floorboards of my car for any loose change I could find. A four hour seatch resulted in about a buck -50. I felt something like a modern day Maccabee.
I walked across the street to a grocery store and bought a package of stale cupcakes in a bargain him. I didn’t have any candles, so I found a match, lit it, stuck it in the middle of the cupcake and sang the traditional birthday song to myself,…. made a wish, well, it was more of a vow actually…..I blew out the match, then cried. I didn’t event eat the cupcake, I didn’t want to deprive the mold and weavils from enjoying their desert. So, I tossed it, but not my hopes that there would be better birthdays ahead.
Yes, I’m now 58 and I’ve never been this old before. And yes, I’m well aware that I’m no longer the cute, young, petite TV news anchor. I’m no longer the younger smart ass morning show personality. Yes, my body has morphed with age. Time and tide have made their marks. And as I tried to state in a previous post, I avoid mirrors . The frightening possibility of turning to stone after viewing something so horrendous and traumatizing is too great. So, I avert my gaze and avoid anything that offers a reflection of any kind.
And really, who needs a mirror when you have a blog?? Your physical reflection is one thing, but a blog….providing you’re self involved enough, will allow you the self- indulgent luxury of seeing deep into within your psyche, if you dare. Your psyche can be like a cargo hold of a 777. It’s stuff you keep in a certain place and take it with you everywhere you go. You keep needlessly adding to it. Like emotional hoarding. That is, until you realize jettisoning most of the emotional jetsam is best.
You do it by calling your own bullshit and trying to be a better you because your whole life has been spent not trying hard enough. It was too easy to be uninvolved and self hating. It’s all in the psyche, baby. That’s where the real Medusa can live and live quite comfortably, if you let her. Banish her. Snakey haired women make lousy emotional renters.
One again, I’m pleased to report that for the first time in forever, I’m looking forward to the next 364 days.
The future Mr. Kendrick should be feeling the anticipatory tingle, too.
I don’t know him, where he his or his hair or eye color. But I have a certain overview in my head. He should be very wealthy, well read, a UT football season ticket holder, an orphan, with no children or ex-wives. He’ll have no sense of smell, no libido whatsoever, he’ll demand for the sake of space and sanity, we live In separate houses. He has a private jet, and a Maybach with a pilot and driver at my disposal. He’ll feel compelled to put me on all his accounts and will leave me all his money and be willing to sign a prenup I’ve authored.
Either that, or he’ll be a just an extraordinarily good, honest and kind man who loves me and allows me to love him in return. He’ll be patient and wise and generous with his time and affection. From him, I’ll learn how to be a better person, A better human.
He’ll teach me to see the beauty and magic in ordinary days.
I CANNOT wait. I’ve always had a thing for certain teachers.