Where to begin???
Let’s start with the weird slanted “Batman” camera angles. What was that all about?
And secondly, wasn’t this, the third installment of this third season ripe with naughties?
We begin in Misty Day’s bayou boudoir. She’s the Stevie Nicks wanna be witch who’s a wiz at necromancy. And for those of you wondering what’s the connection between Misty and Stevie? Well, I seem to remember reading somewhere that La Nicks believes she is a reincarnated witch…or something like that. Her hit song, “Rhiannon” is supposedly about a Welsh witch….or Danish….Huguenot, maybe? I can’t remember. But not only is the banged, curly-haired look a full on copy, but the twirling around with the lace scarf poised at mid-body is vintage Stevie. Plus, almost every time Misty is on-screen, a Nicks song plays. Something tells me we’ll be hearing a lot from the “Rumors” album this season.
Anyway, Misty is playing nurse maid to Kyle, the Human Quilt/Golem that Madison and Zoey witched and stitched back together in the morgue last week. Her elixir is that good ol’ “loosiana’ swamp mud, where magic and mudbugs thrive, and is capable of healing all his body part attachment stitches to eventually resemble mere cat scratches. Virtually scar free. Now, he still can’t talk and just sits there, zombie- like. Zoey arrives at Misty’s and takes Kyle with her, much to Misty’s dismay. They’re heading to Kyle’s home, where she paid his Mama a sympathy visit earlier and knows that she’s just a missin’ her boy somethin’ fierce. Mom is played by the talented, but currently paunchy Mare Winningham, who can dress down to crack pipe smoking white trash level better than any actress currently in Tinsel Town. Zoey takes Kyle to the porch, knocks on the door and runs to hide behind a tree to witness the reunion. Since Kyle is still unsteady on someone else’s feet , he loses his balance and does a header into the center pane of the glass paneled front door. Mama answers it , rejoicing that her baby is back. He stumbles in her arms.
She welcomes him in and life resumes as normal. She doesn’t even seem to mind that he hasn’t uttered a word since he arrived.
He takes a shower, but Mom throws opens the curtain to offer him a towel, stares down at his silent manliness and creepily admits she can tell his body is ‘different’. In the next scene, they’re in his bed together and
BOOM, THERE IT IS!!!!!
Just when you thought last season was as weird as it could possibly get—-naaaaaaaah. But wait, it gets even worse.
Or better, if these are the kinds of things that get you through the night.
The girls are on the shool’s second floor balcony and the spy some fresh meat below. A handsome lad sans shirt is in the yard next door. He and his very buttoned up mother played by Patti Lupone, who I swear is wearing almost the exact same blue striped the dress worn by Bobbi Mohan Culp ( half of the untalented duo that teaches music at Altadena Middle School in that now famous skit on Saturday Night Live). The pair has just moved to the neighborhood. Mom senses evil and can because she’s a hard-core Christian. Madison, the former child actress coke whore witch, likes what she sees in Sonny Boy, so she and Addie from Season One (can’t remember her character name) bake a cake and decide to be neighborly by taking it next door to welcome the new fam to the block. One thing leads to another and Mama Neighbor announces she and Sonny are about to head to their weekly Bible Study which enrages Madison and a fight ensues. Words are exchanged a knife mysteriously sails across the room and gets lodged in the wall, thanks to Madison’s witchery, which was previously limited to Carrie-like telekinesis. Mom orders them out of the house but not before Madison mentally sets ablaze the absolutely hideous dark velveteen living room curtains. Seems fire starting and a discerning decorating style are two talents she didn’t know she had.
Fiona (Jessica Lange) has a confrontation with Mama Neighbor who’s LIVID that these tarts are even breathing and she informs Fiona of Madison’s fiery exit. The reigning Witch Supreme senses that something is happening, within the Coven and within herself. She feels weak and earlier, while seeking yet another face lift, is told by the surgeon that she has inoperable cancer with maybe one year to live.
So, witches aren’t immortal. They apparently die in ways beyond drowning and burning at the stake.
Fiona is dying and part of the reason why is…….Madison.
As we learned earlier in this episode in a flashback scene from 1971, Fiona was ascending to her position as witch Supreme in her nubile 20’s, just as the current Witch Supreme (played by Christine Ebersol) was dying. Diabetes, high blood pressure, anal warts, you name it. But instead of waiting to assume the position in the natural process of succession by natural death, power-mad Fiona speeds up the process by greedily cutting the throat of the reigning Witch Supreme and becomes head honchette way too early in her career. She’s too immature, too vain, too mean—all the things that a good Witch Supreme aren’t supposed to be. So now all these years later, she starting to feel she’s being usurped, the same way her predecessor did, thank you, Madison.
More on that in a bit.
Meanwhile, back at Incest Manor, after seducing her boy yet again, Mama calls Zoey , telling her Kyle isn’t dead, but very much alive, but also very different. Zoey heads over. In the meantime, Mom goes to Kyle’s room and says she knows its time to give up her control over him and end their taboo relationship–but not without one more romp. So, she rubs up against him, he gets angry and screams NO!!!!! , then grabs a nearby Emmy that neither will win in 2014 and beats her head in, leaving her lying in a bloody heap on the floor. Zoey will find the corpse later, entitling Mare Winningham to a one episode SAG credit. She’ll discover an equally bloody Kyle standing in a darkened kitchen later on.
Cordelia, Fiona’s daughter and the school’s headmistress, is told by her doctor that not only is she not pregnant, she never will be. So a forlorn and desperate witchC goes to the Ninth Ward hair salon that we were introduced to last week and meets with its owner, Marie “Voodoo” Laveau, played by the stunning, Angela Basset. She’s in a backroom, sitting one leg over the arm of her thrown, surrounding by witchy things and playing solitaire on her Ipad with a tragically gorgeous set of French tips.. Cordelia knows of a very powerful fertility spell that only Laveau can perform and is willing to shell out 50 grand for the honors. It is, as the Voodoo Queen explains, very involved. Then, we’re treated to a foreshadowing ritual scene.
It’s someone’s back yard, illuminated by a large fire. Cordelia is dressed in a red negligee bearing in her hands–as per instructed–a Mason jar filled with her husband’s (and I quote) “baby gravy”. It’s then put directly on the fire. This is happening as painted- faced drummers are drumming and women are gyrating to the beat. Marie is dancing hypnotically too and eats a hot Roma Tomatoes, straight off the grill or so it seemed from my vantage point. I enjoyed this part because of the costume design. Marie and the whole lot of voo-dooers were dressed in these fabulous white Vera Wang cotton outfits, with stunning turquoise necklaces and what have you. LOVED IT!!!!
Well, once the jar o’guy gak starts to boil, Cordelia lies down on the ground and pulls up her gown, exposing a bare, but somewhat pixilated mons pubis, while a goat with graffiti written all over it is held above her. It’s neck is slashed and there she is, writhing around on the now scarlet earth, while rubbing her nasty bits with the blood.
Or rather, that’s how it WOULD have gone down , but Marie refuses to help Cordelia because she knows that she’s Fiona’s daughter and she hates Fiona and feels a witchy turf war is about to begin. Plus, she hates Fiona and knows she’s harboring something.
If you remember, Fiona unearthed the buried, but very much alive early 1800’s New Orleans socialite and sadist , Madame Delphine Lalaurie (again, lovely last name) and is now holding her hostage at the school. Fiona is dying (literally) to know what it is that has given her eternal life. Delphine knows only its something that Marie Laveau had given her in retaliation for killing Laveau’s then boyfriend, Sebastian, the House Boy for sexing up one of the Lalaurie daughters. Delphine takes him to the murderous basement en Le Maison Lalaurie, ties him up and kills him while making him where this odd black cow head mask thing.
You see, Delphine is a product of her early American environment and a racist (she tortured and killed every slave she ever owned) and in one scene we see her watching an Obama speech on the TV or as she calls it “that magic box”. Well, Delphine is appalled that a “Negro” is president. As she sits there thinking, “there goes the neighborhood”, Fiona walks in and announces that because she hasn’t yet learned all she can from Delphine (played by Oscar winner, Kathy Bates who’s contract probably runs the full season anyway) so for the foreseeable future, she’s the new maid. This means serving meals to the students, one of which is Queenie ( portrayed by Oscar nominee, Giborey Sibide), the school’s token African-American witch who loves love, but hates whitey crackers as much as Delphine hates darkies. So, Delphine finally reckons with her fate as a servant and is in the kitchen with Queenie who learns that she’s the infamous Madame Lalaurie, re-purposed by Fiona. So as they converse about history and Peach Cobbler, Delphine catches a shadowy glimpse of something just outside the kitchen window. She looks out.
Good lord, its Sebastian, the House Boy now as this Minotaur- like creature; bovine head, man’s body, snorting, hooves….the whole nine yards. Delphine is terrified, convinced he’s back for revenge. Queenie tells her to hide, she’ll care of the situation.
She confronts Sebastian in the back yard and then remembers the story that Delphine had told her about the reasons behind his murder . Queenie thinks this cow man is just misunderstood and craving lovin’ as she does, so what does one do when confronting an angry, vengeful Minotaur in the backyard of a Garden District Greco Roman manse on a foggy spring night? You hike up your skirt and and start to diddle yourself , which is exactly what Queenie does. Sebastian is watching thisy and like any horny creature in Roman mythology, he positions himself behind her. Just when we think the shock of mother/son incest will be replaced by partial bestiality, he puts a hoof over her face……and the damn thing goes to commercial.
In the meantime, a very jealous Fiona takes Madison to a pool hall and they drink a lot. She keeps seeing herself in the young witch and you can just tell there’s an assload of jealousy building up. They go back to the school where Fiona tells Madison she knows she’s the next Witch Supreme and should kill her as she did the Witch Supreme she replaced back in the sixties. Fiona gives her the same knife, there’s a struggle, Madison doesn’t want to kill or be the new Witch Supreme and thank you O.J., Fiona slits her throat. Intentionally. The young witch falls dead on the floor. Really? Emma Roberts’character Madison killed off in the third episode???? Her agent must suck!
Fiona it seems, will remain the Witch Supreme.
This pleases her. She ain’t going nowhere. She starts to feel her power and life being restored as Madison lies there, oozing life. She doesn’t care.
Fiona makes this clear by closing out the show with this bit of pithy dialog: “This coven doesn’t need a new Supreme, just a new rug”.