It took 12 episodes, one home invasion, two rapes (Viv’s and the dentist who ‘drilled’ the Black Dahlia while sedated…or rather, while dead), one kidnapping and dismemberment, one overdose, a crazy and manipulative neighbor, a shape shifting maid, the magic of the word “Croatoan”, one milk eye, a gay couple with the pithiest comebacks, a request for a grand to cover head shots, Hume Cronyn’s basement dwelling Doppelganger, 24 ghosts and me running to the computer to look up the spelling of “heteropaternal superfecundation” to get here, but we got here.
American Horror Story’s first season ended way too open-ended. Ben joins his family in eternal bliss courtesy of the ghosts of the home invaders. Death has united The Family Harmon in ways they never could have achieved in life. He’s hung from chandelier….and very early on, too.
And when a mirror image family (the Ramos’) moves into the House months after that whole birth death incident, Ben and Viv persuade the Mrs. and Mrs. to leave. You see, they’re contemplating having a baby because their angry, angst ridden son Gabe (whose Violet with a penis) is about to go to college and they want to avoid empty nest syndrome,. They do this courtesy of a little performance art in the evil basement. Ben is in the Rubber Suit and has attacked the hot, but zoftig reddish- haired Latina in the master bedroom . His goal is to scare her. Well, he does and she runs out of the bedroom screaming and at every turn, runs into this ghostly tour de force (including the exterminator). All the “good /innocent” ghosts band together to scare the crap out of the Ramos’ . Meanwhile Miguel, has already started sleepwalking and ends up in the kitchen, feeling up all six gas burners…lit and on high. He snaps to.–he wakes up just in time to see The Black Dahlia’s corpse severed in half (guess she’s one of the good ghosts..defined by how you died. if you were a victim and murdered by some A-hole, you were good. Although that principal can’t apply across the board for whatever reason. Larry killed Hayden, but she’s still an asshole-even in death.).
Anyway, Miguel hears his teddy clad wife scream down in that damn basement. He runs to her aid. They’re scared but there’s room to intensify the fear factor. The ultimate convincer? Viv stabs Ben still wearing the rubber gimp ensemble. Viv literally guts him and says, she’s been wanting to do that for so long. Then Ben pulls out a gun and shoots her in the head and says the same thing. They fall on the floor dead for a second or two, then resurrect by telling the Ramon’s this is what will happen to you. NOW GO!!!
And they do which means Marcie the Racist Realtor has to sell the House at a further reduced cost. Her commission must be in cents at this point.
In the finale there are flashbacks and flash forwards. Constance is able to take the baby from a very possessive Hayden when Travis sneaks up from behind and slits her throat. That only incapacitate the dead for a second or two, but long enough for her to do a baby grab and once he’s out of the House, he’s safe. None of the evil ghosts who want him can leave the House to come get him.
Also in the finale, Tate comes to term with his misdeeds. While he doesn’t seem overtly sorry for murdering as many people as the Khmer Rouge; he does acknowledge that he has, which I guess in Ghostdom, can be considered progress.
FLASH FORWARD THREE YEARS
She’s gone to “the beauty parlor’ and in an award-winning performance she stares into the mirror and confesses her youthful wishes to be a star and of her dreams which were turned to nightmares by tragedy after tragedy. Her hair dresser clings to her every word and practically extend a lit Bic lighter n the air to extend her fanatic appreciation. Constance just smiles and says she believes that every loss, every tragedy was meant to prepare her role as mother/protector/guidance counselor/ clean up woman to this ‘remarkable” baby boy who’s destined for greatness.
Wonder if Michael’s middle name is “Adolph”?
Constance returns home from the salon and enters the house having a one-sided conversation with her nanny. The trail of blood leading to young Michael’s bedroom (that’s his name) explains why there’s no response. When she enters the bedroom she sees the crumpled corpse of the nanny, throat slit ..blood pooling underneath her and Little Michael sitting in a rocking chair…bloodied hands….blood all over his face…bloody prints all over the chair and he’s smiling fiendishly. Constance bends down and with a look of contained pride, cups his little bloody mug in her hand and says with a smile, “What am I going to do with you?”
And that’s it. The lump sum of 12 episodes.
What a rip off. And a rip off on many, many levels. This is like being excited about finally taking that vacation you’ve been anticipating for months. You finally get to head to the airport, but trip is already plagued with problems before you’ve even backed out of the driveway.
The show didn’t last 90-minutes as touted and it certainly wasn’t gory or scary. And what questions did it answer??? For me, not a one. The Harmon’s will haunt the House along with the bevy of ghouls and engage in a civil war between good and evil that’ll continue for perpetuity. Which most assuredly means a new family in Season Two, but of all the characters on this show, I would imagine Constance will return next season with Young Michael even more sinister. His murderous DNA more finely honed. But I would think the storyline would demand that Constance would take Damian Jr. and move to another locale. I mean, she’d have to. She’s surrounded by so many gruesome deaths. Cops are already suspicious and now she’s raising little Chucky Manson on her own, she’ll need to around new people. God knows there are people all over the country primed for a good killing. She’s got to give Baby Michael what he wants. You can’t kill ghosts and besides, the House is tried. It’s been done to death.
I’m also disappointed that Thaddeus didn’t rear his ugly 90-year-old head in this episode. The creators said he would be featured prominently. LIARS!!!! And we never met Constance’s fourth child.
I really would have preferred an ending that was more strange and even more implausible. This one ended to happy; too neat and way too tidy. I wanted revelations; gasp inducing shockers such as learning Constance was actually Ben’s long-lost mother. Or Tate would show his true colors and pull a Pazuzu, the demon from “The Exorcist” and present himself as such. I would like the whole family to have died while driving cross-country is some horrible wreck on Route 66 and their life in the House was a metaphor for how they must adapt to their deathly situations. reconciliation can only happen by saying goodbye to people and things they once knew and loved in their lives. Death by virtue of no brain or heart function is really, just part of the process.
That said, the creators could have done a helluva lot more and made the finale far more compelling and suspenseful with tons of those incredible “Damn!!!!” moments, but they didn’t.
And when Constance was earning an Emmy nomination with that soliloquy of hers in that salon chair, I fully expected her to tell that captivated comb jockey that as a young actress hopeful, she’d sold her soul to the devil…or at the very least, dated him.
Or an agent…
And that would have explained everything and left me feeling somewhat satisfied. Well, that and if the following questions been answered: what’s with the House? I mean let’s get specific. What’s the genus behind its power? When did it begin and why? What’s the obsession with babies and why is it that ghosts never mess with Constance????
None of these questions were answered. All we learned is that the Harmon’s can decorate a pretty Christmas tree and there are make up and stylists, along with many wardrobe changes in death.
This was a lame…lame..lame ending and it started going downhill the minute the Ramos’ hopped in their 4×4 and drove off into the night, in their best “The Amityville Horror” escape impersonation.
Three words can sum it up: hokey…bland…and anti-climatic, especially when compared to most of the previous 11 episodes. If I were in a theater I’d demand my money back.
I think Brad and Ryan screwed the pooch with this one, Kids. I think mistakes were made. This should have/could have been so much better; so much more intriguing. They ended it with schmaltz. No fires…no explosions…not even in great lines that helped give this show is comedic edginess.
But despite my feelings of deflation, I’ll watch Season 2, but if truth in advertising has to apply, then this finale, should have been “American Error Story”.