What in the hell did I just watch???
How many different versions of Fatal Attraction, Bowling for Columbine, sitcoms, episodes of Dynasty, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dark Shadows, Hardy Boys mysteries, Max Factor commercials and O.C. reruns did I see crammed under one big crazy circus tent of televised insanity tonight????
I don’t know. I had to watch two encore episodes just to make sure I missed nothing, and even then, I feel there’s plenty I missed.
I was disappointed in tonight’s American Horror Story. Some might disagree with me and that’s okay. This show and the pilot left me feeling–I don’t know–dissatisfied. But don’t mind me, I’m just a lowly blogger..
All my growing frustration aside, let us start at the start, shall we?
Every AHS begins with a flashback. Tonight’s episode went back one week. It opens with Burned Guy banging on the door, Violet frightened by the ferocity of the banging. She senses something…or someone standing behind her. We all know it’s Rubber Man, but when she looks, nothing is there. She then runs upstairs to pre for her date with Tate, but as she’s messing around in her bedroom, a creepy hand reaches out from under her bed…a lot like Addy did last week. Remember that? And who’s hand did that belong to? With Addy gone and not coming back because she died in the street after the Halloween hit and run, and not on the hallowed ground that is the Harmon’s house or the property its on, I think we’re about to meet another one of Constance’s four-legged, one-eyed, two-headed groin fruit.
Cannot wait for that.
Tate and Violet head for their date at the beach.
Meanwhile, Ben and Viv have just arrived back home from an emergency trip to the hospital, due to pain in Viv’s tummy. Her eight week old baby has apparently staged a one fetus production of “Les Mis” en utero. It’s apparently kicking up a storm. The ER nurse took an ultra sound of said womb and she fainted dead away at the sight of the unholy seed that’s hatching in that fleshy incubator of Viv’s. Still, the couple was sent home. But home is hardly a safe haven. Hayden is there. She rang the doorbell. Ben answered the door, then promptly closed it when he saw her standing there looking very dead. And very dirty.
We very quickly learn that *Hayden*is*pissed.
Viv knows she’s back in the picture.; she calls Viv’s cell, just as she’s about to hop in the tub. She makes it clear to Mrs. Harmon that things with Ben are not as they seem. But as Viv explains why trying to maintain a relationship with her husband is folly, we learn that Viv had an affair with a married man years before. Things didn’t work out. Then Hayden cranks up the “screw you” quotient by telling Viv that Ben finds things in her that he can’t in Viv. Ben thinks Hayden’s face is soft and that the area betwixt her legs tastes like some sort of fruit salad.
“Ask him about Boston.”
That’s the last thing Viv hears on the phone. A furious Viv turns around and in the steam on the mirror we see written, ” “Ask him”.
Viv runs downstairs convinced that Hayden is in the house and Ben naturally grabs a knife and goes down to the basement. I know that’s where I’d go and of course, Hayden is down there. They talk a bit; she screams at him about her very unceremonious murder and how she dislikes that fact that a tawdry little gazebo is being used for a makeshift headstone, she then burps up what looks like a handful of bloody beets, then Burned Guy appears out of nowhere, bops Ben on the head. He apologizes to her for that killer “head shot” he gave her two weeks ago. Hayden tells Burned Guy that she’ll deal with him later, but first things first: she has to ‘deal with Vivien” first. Burned Guy gets all excited at the prospect of offing another broad with fire, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out of lighter, flips it on a couple of times and begs Hayden to let him help her. If you remember, he killed his wife and daughters years earlier by burning them to death..in that same house. He got trapped in his own fire; hence his severe burn scars on his face.
They tie up the unconscious Ben and leave him on the floor.
Meanwhile, Tate and Violet are making out at the beach. A blazing bonfire and the surf add to the romantic mood. Violet reaches down to test the girth of Tate’s level of amorous interest and apparently “flaccid” is the word du jour. Tate apologizes and blames his inabilities on the anti-psychotic meds Ben has prescribed for him. Then, several kids approach them: a cheerleader, a punky hipster, a goth queen, a chess club dweeb and a jock in a letterman’s sweater. Right off the bat, it looks like they’re in costume.
But they’re not. Oh no no no no no no no. They may have come Central Casting but their wounds are interesting.
These are the things they were wearing when they were killed and apparently, killed by Tate *and*they*are*pissed. Remember back during the pilot episode during his first session with Ben? Tate tells Ben he has fantasies of seriously wanting to paint his face-up like a zombie, don a black trench coat and in his best Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold (Columbine) impersonation, shoots all the popular kids who are mean to him. Remember that? Well, it looks like that wasn’t a fantasy. The cheerleader’s uniform is bloody, the jock has a bullet hole in his forehead and the Chess Club Dweeb with an obvious head wound, proves the severity of his injury by also burping up bloody beets. Tate kind of acts like he knows them, though he claims he doesn’t. He runs, they chase him. They want to know why he did it. He denies pulling the trigger; any trigger…they have the wrong guy.
Denial? Repressed memories?
Are these wounded entities mere components of Tate’s personality? Components that he’s suppressedor “shot down” if you will? He wants to be the accomplished jock, a brain, popular…live to the beat of his own drummer. Are these hidden desires?? Aspects or traits he wants to incorporate in his life???
Chloe the bloodied cheerleader tearfully tells him she should be married, should be a mom and should be 34 years old by now. This shooting spree must have happened in the mid 90’s. Then, how old is Tate? According to AHS, does this mean when people are murdered so traumatically, they stay at the age they were when they died? Okay, then someone PLEASE explain old Milk Eye Moira and her age shifting? Again, that’s probably due to perspective, but why? What about the Chucky Demon Seed Basement Baby Monster? Who’s in the gimp suit? Why is Moira the Younger such a whore?
And just what is the Heisenberg uncertainty principle in quantum physics??????
Meanwhile back at the house, Vivien hears a commotion out front. It’s Gay Chad, the previous homeowner and *he*is*pissed. He starts uh….redecorating… the Halloween accoutrement in the front yard.
Then there’s a fire in some room that Viv extinguishes. Then for reasons, I’ll never understand, Hayden suddenly decides in the middler of her haunting that she’s not feeling fresh, so she takes a bath in the water Viv had drawn for herself. There’s blood in the water.
Anyway, Hayden drip dries and calls Viv on the phone…again…to tell her she loves what she’s done to the kitchen, then says, “Here girl!, as in urging the pooch to come to her. Panicky Viv runs downstairs, grabs a fireplace poker and makes her way into the kitchen and hears the microwave going then sees whatever is in there, explode. It looks like the microwave has just burped up bloody beets. She thinks it’s her dog…I know I did…then she runs upstairs and the dog is fine, but she doesn’t question where Ben is.
He just so happens to be unconscious and hog tied in the basement.
He comes to with Nora (Mrs. Dr. Frankenstein, the abortionist from the 1922 flashback) whispering in his ear that he needs to man up, he needs to fight for the baby and that she will not allow another failure in the house. He’s still groggy and probably thinks she’s just a hallucination; a manifestation of his head injury. She unties him.
Meanwhile, back up stairs, Hayden has decided to stop crank calling Viv. She’s now cornered her in the bedroom. She tells Viv she was preggers….Viv tells her she is preggers.
And *now*they* are*both*pissed.
Hayden freaks out, smashes a picture frame containing a happy photo of the unhappy Family Harmon and with one of the larger shards of glass, she threatens to stab Viv right in the baby. Ben walks in and breaks up the erstwhile cat fight by confessing everything; that he continued to have an affair with Hayden after the family had moved to LA and that yes, he’d made her ripe with fetus.
Mission accomplished. Hayden got what she wanted. She wanted Viv to know everything, so she dropped the shiv, just as a security guard with the service that protects the house enters the room, gun drawn. Somewhere in between in between the Fatal Attraction microwave scene downstairs in the kitchen and the Fatal Attraction scene up in the bedroom,Viv tripped the alarm. Hayden is arrested.
As Tate is dealing with the kids he apparently killed, Constance grabs Violet and forces her into her kitchen where she tells her that Addy is dead and its her fault. All that pretty girl make-up. Constance also confesses what we’ve thought all along; that Tate is her son. She tells Violet that Tate must never learn that his sister, Addy has died. Apparently, Tate doesn’t react or respond well to certain things.
←←←Gee, ya think???
Back in The Murder House, Burned Guy is dousing the living room with gas with gusto unt glee. Chad walks in and sternly asks what he’s doing to his house. Burned Guy is taken aback by this. I got the feeling he knew who…or what….Chad was and was also a wee bit afraid of him.
The next thing we know, it’s daybreak and we see the red-headed twins; the two nurses, Chad, his lover, Patrick…Nora Montgomery…Moira –all the people who we know have died in the house so far…and they’re walking back to the house. They were, as the legend goes, free to walk among the living for one day. Just one day, on Halloween, then afterwards, they must go back to the place where they’re condemned to spend eternity. The house; it’s where they must do their time; it’s their penance for sins real or imagined.
Moira told the group her mother had died during her liberty call and sadly, she couldn’t go with her. Chad admitted he felt trapped in a house he’ll never have “his way” and then expressed his anger that Patrick who’d gone out and about (as we saw in the clip) but did more than walk among the living. He apparently knelt before them and with several of his menfolk, and inflatio was involved. That’s the term used when the price of oral pleasure goes through the roof.
Episode 4, Part 2 ends with Ben packing up and leaving, just as Hayden is being hauled downtown in the back of a squad car. She tells the security guard who’s driving that she loved Ben and that he was, in fact, the love of her life. She only omatoes in the microwave to scare Vivien…no puppy. ‘ Twas a Halloween prank, and not a very good one. He arrives at the jail, exits the car, walks around to the rear passenger side, opens the door, and of course, she’s not there.
Perhaps, she’ll do her own private perp walk back to The Murder House a little later.
It became obvious to me tonight that the ghosts and lunatics (Burned Guy and Constance) know each other and their back stories and some are seemingly at odds with each other. Chad stopped Larry from burning down the house. Nora Montgomery untied Ben. They each have their own agendas; their own reasons for being there.
As Chad and the bevy of ghosts are re-entering the house, Chad talks about feeling like he’s trapped in an endless loop, repeating the same behaviors over and over again. But where were the other ghosts? I didn’t see the home invaders? Surely there were other ghosts. This motley hand full can’t be it, right? There has to be more ghosts. Maybe like Hayden, they’re coming from spending Halloween elsewhere; Pocioma…Fresno…Cucamonga, even and just running late.
Hell, I don’t know.
What I do know is that I didn’t like the show tonight. It felt even more disjointed than it usually does. There was a relationship issue ; a major disconnect. Nothing meshed. It was like a ravenous fat kid who’s been placed on a very restrictive diet, but let loose at a salad bar. He piles his plate with everything under the sneeze guard…even some of the ice used to chill the containers and the plate contains an unappetizing pile of “fixins” that just don’t work together taste-wise. Like drinking flat lukewarm grape soda with enchiladas.
There were also timeline problems. A year has passed since the family’s move west??? Did Ben go back to Boston more than once to carry on his affair with Hayden??? I thought he just went back once, for the abortion that never happened. Yet, Viv implied that a year had transpired since the move. Huh????
Additionally, I have no problem with the ghosts. Their actions, emotions…even their motivations (if I could ever figure them out), I buy completely. Oddly enough, all of that implausible stuff is plausible. It’s the Harmon’s that make me crazy and could be the reason why I could someday wash my hands of this lunacy. It’s getting ridiculous.
Again, I understand creative license, BUT, please, a little realism??? A little fact with my fiction???? Viv has been attacked twice in her own home, yet all she wants to do is take baths. Oh, that’s logical!?!? That’s right on par with the typical slasher movie in which the teen hottie is being chased through a darkened, abandoned house by lunatic killer, Michael Jason Meyers Lechter Manson Gacy Oswald Wilkes “Wayne” Booth, yet she just decides out of the blue, that she needs to take a shower.
Bitter rageaholic Ben exhausts me. Leave already, will ya? This family is simply not worth saving as a nuclear unit. I would like you better as the horn dog you are, chasing tail while living in a cheap bachelor pad somewhere in The Valley.
Violet’s fearlessness is unreal. Yeah, uh-huh–we completely get that you’re angry. Show some emotion, for God’s sake…pinch yourself…peel an onion. Cry. Smile. Scream. Do something. And when your nutso neighbor finally admits she’s your boyfriend’s mother, why don’t you tell her that sonny boy is being chased through the neighborhood by a lynch mod of angry dead kids??? That particular chase scene was so damn stupid and meaningless. It looked like angry villagers from a bad Frankenstein movie. The only thing missing was torches, scythes and pitchforks.
I find myself screaming at the top of my lungs at the TV every time the any one of the Harmon’s makes an asshole move. By the end of the show tonight, I was hoarse.
My friend, Eddie G. tells me that I need to chill, that I should quit trying to employ logic where there is none. He’s correct, but as a journalist, the lack of reason makes me crazy. Watching AHS, especially when the episode is so discombobulated as it was tonight, is like the phenomenon of human face matrixing. My mind automatically wants and NEEDS to apply reason and common sense to everything I see, so I seek it out whenever I can; where ever I can.
Okay Eddie, mein schnoodle. For you? I’ll make every effort to enjoy the entertainment value…
….which would be better if the damn show made sense 100% of the time….
NEW ENDING ADDED 11/4/11: Next week, I wanted to try something new. Make the AHS review & synopsis more inner-active for you, my readers. Ithought long and hard about blogging live during next week’s show, but I think I’ll have to pass. It sounds too complicated and with my new job starting in just a week, I simply don’t have the emotional bandwidth. And yes, I’m lazy.
So, I’ve decided to take a different approach:
vvvvvvxddv GUEST BLOGGING!!!!!!!
You can be a guest blogger right on this here very blog, ya’ll!!!!! Just think–massive readership; tons of exposure. Do you love AHS and you like to write? Are yuo funny? Can you be campy, snarky? Do you see a different side to things like moi, your host??? Then, let your internal narcissist spring forth and wow me wity your words. Send me your preview of the upcoming episode. And please, don’t let the word “preview” freak you out. It’s just a term. Write about what you want, as long as it’s about American Horror Story. You can get away with calling it “a preview”, simply by saying episode 5 will air this coming Wednesday.
Additionally, I won’t edit your work–unless it’s something glaring –but I do reserve the right to add approprite photos just to add a little panache and as always, I’ll include the weekly preview of the upcoming episode.
Length really doesn’t matter (I could do without War and Peace, though.) Just make it your point of view and of course, the subject matter should be about AHS.
I might publish more than one.
If interested, please send your AHS preview and a short and sweet bio (nom d’plumes are welcome, especially if you owe money) to: lauriekendrick at aol dot com.
Submission deadline????? 4pm (CST) Monday, 11/7/11.