The Kardashian Phenom

The Kardashians.   

They, for the most part, are the progeny of the late, Robert Kardashian, an attorney and good friend of OJ Simpson.   Kardashian was a member of The Juice’s so called defense “Dream Team”.    He’d let his law license lapse years earlier and reactivated it just so he could offer counsel to the case.  He sat by Simpson throughout the trial.  In fact, Simpson stayed in Kardashian’s house during the days following those now infamous murders of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend, Ron Goldman.   Kardashian was the man seen carrying Simpson’s garment bag the day that Simpson flew back from Chicago. Prosecutors speculated that the bag may have contained Simpson’s bloody clothes or the murder weapon.   Under California bar association rules, lawyers must take their clients’ confidences to the grave.  So, if Kardashian knew what was in the garment bag, he never told anyone and reportedly, by the time the feds got it, there was no “evidence” in it.

The former pro-running back failed to turn himself in at 11 a.m. on June 17, 1994, and at a press conference, Kardashian read a statement from Simpson.   The self-pitying letter was interpreted by many as a suicide note. 

In that now famous video in which the verdict is read, Kardashian is the man in the glasses with the slicked back hair with the tufts of gray, standing in front of OJ.   He’s the one that looked absolutely flabbergasted that the jury found OJ Simpson not guilty in the murder trial of his wife Nicole and her friend, Ron  Goldman.

There’s a reason for his disbelief:  Kardashian had serious doubts about the innocence of a man who’d been a very close friend since college.   In a 1996 interview on ABC’s “20-20” with Barbara Walters, he openly admitted that he questioned Simpson’s innocence.

“I have doubts. The blood evidence is the biggest thorn in my side; that causes me the greatest problems. So I – I struggle with the blood evidence.”.

When Walters asked if Simpson had ever thanked him for his help during the trial, Kardashian said: “No.”

In 2003, the criminal defense attorney died of esophageal cancer, a mere eight weeks after being initially diagnosed.   He left behind one current wife who he married just two months prior to his death;  one ex-wife,  three daughters, a son and one big hot mess that looks a lot like this→→→→ 

Now before we meet this family unit, I want to get something straight:   I don’t like the Kardashians on  many levels.  In fact, on more levels than in The Divine Comedy.   Yet, I have watched their show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians.  I don’t watch every show, but I have seen a few….and I’m not sure why.   I can’t stand the way they talk;  so damn nasal and whiney.   They all use the world “like” 88 times in one sentence and their drab monotone, inflectionless voices are grating.   Still, why do I watch if I find them all so annoying?   Maybe it’s  schadenfreude-esque…..or maybe  it makes me feel better about my moral compass and level of education, because I would doubt seriously if any Kardashian has much of either.

But they’ve got so much damn money which the Kardashians prove regularly, can’t  buy class.  Sorry, but a closet full of brand new Manolos won’t cut it.

Still, I DO watch on occasion, so I guess I can’t complain when as a viewer, I in some ways, contribute to their multi-million dollar pay days.   Well, if that’s that case, then that gives me every right to discuss my thoughts on this family that admittedly tries very, very hard. 

There are two full timPlease....PLEASE STOP THE MUSIC!!!!!e deposits of testosterone in this sea of estrogen.   One representative of  those with protrusions is the supposed patriarch of the family,  former Olympic champion, Bruce Jenner.  He spends his time on camera as the exasperated, put-upon Papa. 

He won the gold medal in the decathlon in the  ’76 olympics in Montreal.    These days, he’s a “motivational speaker” and full time plastic surgery zealot, or so it would seem.   It looks as though he and Joan Rivers are vying for a role in a remake of Flower Drum Song.  Both have their faces pulled so tightly they’re losing their Occidental appearances. 

Oh yeah…Jenner was in the horrible late 70’s movie, “Can’t Stop The Music” with The Village People”.  It’s a disco era movie loosely based on the career of the gay singing group.  Jenner starred in this epic and in doing so  traipsed around New York in a belly shirt and cut offs. 

Steve Guttenberg co-starred.  Need I say more???

Kris is the mom and very assertive and very protective–of her family, but even more so, of her business, which happens to be her family.  She’s mama bear-like, and that makes me think she probably has a bigger pair than her husband.  Wouldn’t be surprised.   I think Kris Jenner defines the term “stage mom”.   She has become a  super agent.   So much so that I think she’s become addicted to the power of Hollywood promotion and marketing and uses every trick up her sleeve as manager for her children.   Sometimes, she seems awfully ambitious.   I don’t know her family dynamic, but I know my mother would never compromise me at the age of 14 by tarting me up in designer duds and shoving me out on the catwalk as a Right Said Fred disco number blasted out of the speakers.  Then again, I don’t look like  a Kardashian, either. 

I have no doubt that in between Kris’ PR skills (Larry Tate would have LOVED to have hired her for his and Darren Steven’s bonehead ad campaigns) and Kim’s sex tape, the family is ten times wealthier than they were ten years ago. 

Speaking of Kim, she’s pretty (in a very processed way) but she seems to be quite unremarkable as a person…at least, her on air persona isn’t anything to write home about.    I find Kourtney the oldest, to be whiney and annoying, especially when the scripts warrant scenes with or about  her relationship with Scott, her “baby daddy”.   He reminds me of every obnoxious UT frat rat I’ve ever known.    To me, Scott comes across as a poseur;  as if he’s got one expensive suit; one pair of  expensive shoes and one custom-made shirt that he wears over and over and over again.   Nice clothes can’t always cover up the fact that the person being clothed, isn’t so nice.    Then again, he could be acting.  Every reality show needs a foil.   

And then there’s Khloe.   What do I think of Khloe?   Well, if there was a Cosmo test entitled, “Which Kardashian Are You?”, I suppose I’d be more like Khloe.   We’re both the youngest of three girls and we also have few boundaries, although I know when to lob an “F bomb” and when not to.   She loves shock value and probably has tons more gay fans in her minions of “Kardash-holes”  (I just made that up, thank you)  than any other member of the family.    As the tallest, chubbiest and blondest of  the sisters (and I mean chubby by Kardashian standards),  I first thought she’d been cheated in the looks department, but as she develops in to her own…whatever, she’s becoming,  she can’t touch Kim, but she, in my opinion,  is surpassing big sister Kourtney in terms of looks.   Kourtney looks true to her ethnic roots,   like some Armenian street  urchin trying to sell matches on the streets of  Yerevan for two drams a pop.

There’s one brother, Rob, the other male in this brood.  He has tattoos and went to USC or UCLA or DeVry.   I don’t know much about him.    He looks like Kourtney as a tranny.

The two youngest girls aren’t Kardashians;  they’re Jenners.   At 16, Kendall is the oldest of the two girls.  She’s tall, cute and coltishly long legs…she ‘s the cute brunette on the right side of the photo.   She’s done some modeling and when she’s in her element, can rival her older half-sister, Kim,  in terms of attractiveness.   She’s a varsity cheerleader at her private high school in Calabasas, CA. 

Her baby sister is 14-year-old Kylie.   She began her modeling career with the Sears line “Crush Your Style”. and has done photo shoots with OK Magazine and Teen Vogue.  She’s expressed an interest in acting, but has explained that college is a greater priority.

Good for them both!!

So, there you have it.   That’s the Klan Kardashian.   

As I’ve stated, watching their E! produced show, is by no means appointment viewing.  I’ll watch if I’m channel; surfing and if there’s nothing else on, but why do I watch when I watch so infrequently?  I guess its a morbid curiosity to see how the other half lives.   I had to schlep through college getting a bachelor’s degree in Broadcasting only to find myself struggling in a post Telecommunications Act existence.    Therefore,  I find it amazing that this family can get rich and famous without really having a single redeemable quality, other than curves,  looks, Kris’ bombast and Khloe’s audacity.   But if there’s one extreme positive here, I will always give this family props for single-handedly usurping stories about Paris Hilton and her crazy ass antics from every gossip rag on the planet.  

But that’s just me.  I can’t speak for the rest of the world who loves to love and hate this family.   They are wildly popular for both reasons.   Hell, Kim alone has a whopping  5.3 million followers on her Twitter account.   

In closing, I don’t know Kim, her sisters or Kris, their mom, but they sure come across very vapid and shallow as hell.  Shallow yes and vapid like foxes…perhaps that’s their shtick, though I really don’t think so.  I feel certain that what we see is who they are.   And I’ll give them this:  they’re not lazy.  Yeah, photography shoots and modelling assignments aren’t manual labor, but they’re still work.  These woman are at the helm of a branding empire.  I mean, think about it: we’re talking clothing boutiques, fitness videos, credit cards, a best-selling fragrance, food endorsements, diet product endorsements, skin care products and a self-tanning deal.  Promotion of all these things take effort and there’s also very real sense of propriety about this family–with Kim especially.   Say what you will about these women and this family, you don’t hear about drugs problems,  rampant alcoholism or forced naked crotch observation when exiting limos.   And even though Kim essentially rose to the forefront of the public consciousness  on the wave of a leaked  sex tape with a third tier rapper named Ray J, she’s  still generally well-regarded by many consumers who faithfully buy her brand.    Britney, Lindsay, Paris  and others have suffered greatly with their very public missteps. 

Wanna know what else is notable?   Perhaps even admirable about these women?   With their penchant for African-American men–athletes in particular, they obviously don’t have a prejudiced bone in their bodies–no pun intended.   

So, watch their show or elect not to watch–that’s your civil right to choose, but for me?   I can’t wait for the day when a Kardashian woman can become famous  simply for the content of her character…instead of the quality of her skin.

And now, you may opine your ass off...

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