No, that’s not William’s drag name.
That’ll be Kate’s new royal moniker once she officially becomes a Windsor. Why? I’m not sure, but I think Kate is in for a whole lot of changes just like this one.
Apparently, you get a lot when you marry royalty, but you also give up a lot, too. I guess she forfeits her own name, mainly because her’s just isn’t good enough. You see, Kate will be the first real honest to God commoner to marry into the royal family. UpYou think Diana was, right? Wrong. Dian was from a very aristocratic family. Her dad was soemthing like 82nd in line to the thrown. And that made her a blue blood. If you remember before she was Princess Diana, she was Lady Diana, the youngest daughter of Earl Spencer a.k.a. Viscount Althorp. Both are titles in British Peerage, along with Duke, Marquess and Baron. Idon’t know what a peer is in the land of tea and crumpets, but apparently, if ya are one, you can sit in the House of Lords.
And that sounds like a goddamn laugh riot.
Anyway, Kate comes from common stock all right. She’s the eldest of three children born to Caroline Elizabeth née Goldsmith, a former flight attendant and Michael Middleton, a son of a pilot who started out as a flight dispatcher then also became pilot for British Airways. In 1987, the couple handed in their collective wings and founded “Party Pieces”, a mail order company that aims to help parents create ‘magical’ parties for their children at home. Party Pieces is run from a call center, with full-time staff of eight. It’s headquarters are literally in a barn near Reading in Berkshire.
I’ve not seen the company’s ledger books, but it has to be a money-maker because first of all, Prince William would not, could not marry a commoner of modest middle class means. It’s simply not done. A wealthy commoner, yes, but definitely not a poor one. ANd make no mistake, Kate is very much a commoner. Her blood line isn’t blue…maybe just a smidge faint aqua in parts…but not a true blue.
So, in less than two weeks, Kate Middleton’s life will change exponentially and like I said at the top of this post, she’ll probably feel the changes more potently than anyone before her.
There’s a bunch of things Kate can no longer do or be. Here are ten no no’s for the bride-to-be’s new life in a big Waterford crystal fish bowl:
1. One she says “I do”, she’ll no longer be referred to as ‘Kate’
As the title of this post indicates, when Kate joins the House of Windsor, her official title will become ‘Her Royal Highness the Princess William of Wales’. Why? I’m not sure. But I would bet being a commoner has something to do with it. After the wedding, she can be addressed as ‘Catherine’ or ‘Ma’am’, but not ‘Kate’. In fact, I would imagine that the big Buckingham Palace PR machine known as Clarence House will probably ask Royal correspondents to refer to her ‘Catherine’ in the future. Bet they won’t.
2. She can vote, but she won’t
Technically, the Royal Family can vote, but they elect NOT to do so because it could be construed constitutional and is contra to all aspects of remaining neutral and impartial.
3. She can’t run for political office
I doubt if running for office was ever on Kate’s ‘to do’ list, but she can’t do it. And for the reasons cited above.
4. She must escape all scrutiny
Good damn luck with this one, Katie. You’re entering one of Britain’s most dysfunctional families. Everything you do, say, wear, think will be scrutinized and maybe even more so, because you’re not a blue blood. And to add insult to injury, you’re young, thin and pretty. I already loathe you.
5. You can no longer play Monopoly
This is odd. In 2008, Prince Andrew, Duke of York, said that the Royal Family was not allowed to play Monopoly at home “because it gets too vicious”. Guess touch football is out, too.
6. She is forbidden to say or do anything controversial
Yeah, this is gonna be another toughie, Sweetie. Again…look at your new in laws. They’re strange. I strongly encourage you to avoid going the Fergie route and accept large amounts of money from ‘businessmen’ to gain access to your husband and then please try to keep your bikini top on while getting your toes sucked in public by your financial adviser who obviously sucks or you wouldn’t need to pimp out your husband to pay your monthly Capital One bill.
What’s in your wallet? We’ll all know within a few weeks, I’m sure.
Say ta ta to crustaceans, Katie. British Royals are never served shellfish, because of a fear of food poisoning. I would also think that it wouldn’t be very becoming to suck the head off a crawdad with those big British choppers of theirs. Not very pretty, but I’ll bet they can eat corn on the cob through a chain link fence, at ten paces.
8. Work. She won’t be doing a 9 to 5 any time soon
I don’t think this will be too difficult for Kate. As it is, the 29-year-old has a very anemic curriculum vitae. She worked some for her family at Party Pieces and then dabbled briefly in retail working for British retailer, “Jigsaw”. Somehow, I just can’t see Kate folding sweaters or bagging costume jewelry and assorted ear bobs for customers wearing synthetic fibers. Besides, Royals and careers don’t mix well. As proven when Prince Charles’ plan to work part-time in a factory failed and Countess Sophie Wessex was forced to abandon her PR firm. I Kate’s case though, the whole unemployment scenario shouldn’t be too difficult to handle. At 29 years of age she is the oldest spinster ever to marry a future king, and though she has a History of Art degree; one she attained with a 2.1 GPA at St. Andy’s. Nah, Kate should do just fine in her career that includes launching ships, attending polo matches and pretending to dig sick kids in country’s that end in vowels.
9. She can’t sign anything unofficial
As a potential future counsellor of state if William becomes king, Kate might at some stage have to sign government papers and brings legislation into force in her husband’s place. People in this position are strictly not supposed to sign anything that could lead to their signature being copied and forged. Last year Prince Harry was in hot water when he defied this rule and signed the plaster cast of a girl who’d broken her arm.
10 Finish her dinner
If sh’s a slower eater than her grandmother-in-law, Kate could go hungry. In Britain, when the Queen stops eating, you stop too, regardless of where you are in your course of boiled meat.