Behold! Princess William???

No, that’s not William’s drag name.   

That’ll be Kate’s new royal moniker once she officially becomes a Windsor.   Why?  I’m not sure, but I think Kate is in for a whole lot of changes just like this one.  

Apparently, you get a lot when you marry royalty, but you also give up a lot, too.   I guess she forfeits her own name,  mainly because her’s just isn’t good enough.   You see, Kate will be the first real honest to God commoner to marry into the royal family.  UpYou think Diana was, right?  Wrong.  Dian was from a very aristocratic family.  Her dad was soemthing like 82nd in line to the thrown.   And that made her a blue blood.   If you remember before she was Princess Diana,  she was  Lady Diana, the youngest daughter of Earl Spencer a.k.a. Viscount Althorp.  Both are titles in British Peerage, along with Duke, Marquess and Baron.    Idon’t know what a peer is in the land of tea and crumpets, but apparently, if ya are one, you can sit in the House of Lords.

And that sounds like a goddamn laugh riot.

Anyway,  Kate comes from common stock all right.   She’s the eldest of three children born to Caroline Elizabeth née Goldsmith, a former flight attendant and Michael  Middleton, a son of a pilot who started out as a flight dispatcher then also became  pilot for British Airways.    In 1987, the couple handed in their collective wings and  founded “Party Pieces”, a mail order company that aims to help parents create ‘magical’ parties for their children at home. Party Pieces is run from a call center, with full-time staff of eight.  It’s headquarters are literally in a barn near Reading in Berkshire.   

I’ve not seen the company’s ledger books, but it has to be a money-maker because first of all, Prince William would not, could not marry a commoner of modest middle class means.  It’s simply not done.   A wealthy commoner, yes, but definitely not a poor one.    ANd make no mistake,  Kate is very much a commoner.  Her blood line isn’t blue…maybe just a smidge faint aqua in parts…but not a true blue. 

Her mom was a builder’s daughter who descended from a family of penniless coal miners in Durham.  Her father comes from a wealthier background that includes an 18th century wool manufacturer and merchant from Leeds who left  £33m in his will.   But that was well over 200 years ago and even though that amount has reportedly dwindled over the recent centuries, it along with profits from “Party Pieces”,  are still enough to keep the Middleton’s living lavishly.
 
For example, the  Middleton’s  live in a  £1m house in tony Berkshire.    Mom and Dad were able to put their three children through some of the most expensive private schools, which for Kate alone (she went to St. Andrews) would have cost an estimated £250,000.   And figure this in:  Mummy and Daddy bought Kate’s flat in Chelsea now worth between £750,000 and £1m.   And according to those who snooped through Land Registry records, there’s no mortgage on the property.

So, in less than two weeks, Kate Middleton’s life will change exponentially and like I said at the top of this post, she’ll probably feel the changes more potently than anyone before her.

There’s a bunch of things Kate can no longer do or be.    Here are ten no no’s for the bride-to-be’s new life in a big Waterford crystal fish bowl:

1. One she says “I do”, she’ll no longer be referred to as ‘Kate’

As the title of this post indicates, when Kate joins the House of Windsor, her official title will become ‘Her Royal Highness the Princess William of Wales’.  Why?  I’m not sure. But I would bet being a commoner has something to do with it.   After the wedding, she can be addressed as ‘Catherine’ or ‘Ma’am’, but not ‘Kate’.   In fact, I would imagine that the big Buckingham Palace PR machine known as Clarence House will probably ask Royal correspondents to refer to her ‘Catherine’ in the future.    Bet they won’t. 

2. She can vote, but she won’t

Technically, the Royal Family can vote, but they elect NOT to do so because it could be construed constitutional and  is contra to all aspects of remaining neutral and impartial.

3. She can’t run for political office

I doubt if running for office was ever on Kate’s ‘to do’ list,  but she can’t do it.  And for the reasons cited above.

4. She must escape  all scrutiny

Good damn luck with this one, Katie.   You’re entering one of  Britain’s most dysfunctional families.   Everything you do, say, wear, think will be scrutinized and maybe even more so, because you’re not a blue blood.  And to add insult to injury,  you’re young, thin and pretty.  I already loathe you.

5. You can no longer play Monopoly

This is odd.   In 2008, Prince Andrew, Duke of York, said that the Royal Family was not allowed to play Monopoly at home “because it gets too vicious”.  Guess touch football is out, too.

6. She is forbidden to say or do anything controversial

Yeah, this is gonna be another toughie, Sweetie.   Again…look at your new in laws.   They’re strange.   I strongly encourage you to avoid going  the Fergie route and accept large amounts of money from ‘businessmen’ to gain access to your husband and then please try to keep your bikini top on while getting your toes sucked in public by your financial adviser who obviously sucks or you wouldn’t need to pimp out your husband to pay your monthly Capital One bill.   

What’s in your wallet?  We’ll all know within a few weeks, I’m sure.

7. She can no longer eat shellfish

Say ta ta to crustaceans, Katie.  British Royals are never served shellfish, because of a fear of food poisoning.  I would also think that it wouldn’t be very becoming to suck the head off a crawdad with those big British choppers of theirs.   Not very pretty, but I’ll bet they can eat corn on the cob through a chain link fence, at ten paces. 

8. Work.  She won’t be doing a 9 to 5 any time soon

I don’t think this will be too difficult for Kate.  As it is, the 29-year-old has a very anemic curriculum vitae.   She worked some for her family at Party Pieces and then dabbled briefly in retail working for British retailer,  “Jigsaw”.  Somehow, I just can’t see Kate folding sweaters or bagging costume jewelry and assorted ear bobs for customers wearing synthetic fibers.   Besides, Royals and careers don’t mix well. As proven when Prince Charles’ plan to work part-time in a factory failed and Countess Sophie Wessex was forced to abandon her PR firm.    I Kate’s case though, the whole unemployment scenario shouldn’t be too difficult to handle. At 29 years of age she is the oldest spinster ever to marry a future king, and though she has a History of Art degree;  one she attained with a 2.1 GPA  at St. Andy’s.  Nah, Kate should do just fine in her career that includes launching ships, attending polo matches and pretending to dig sick kids in country’s that end in vowels.

9. She can’t sign anything unofficial

As a potential future counsellor of state if William becomes king, Kate might at some stage have to sign government papers and brings legislation into force in her husband’s place. People in this position are strictly not supposed to sign anything that could lead to their signature being copied and forged.   Last year Prince Harry was in hot water when he defied this rule and signed the plaster cast of a girl who’d broken her arm.

10 Finish her dinner

If sh’s a slower eater than her grandmother-in-law, Kate could go hungry. In Britain, when the Queen stops eating, you stop too, regardless of where you are in your course of boiled meat.

.

3 comments

  1. You state in number 1 that you “don’t know” why she will become ‘Her Royal Highness the Princess William of Wales’, but you will “bet being a commoner has something to do with it.” Actually it is quite simple, it is the practice of the woman gaining her husband’s place in society upon marriage regardless of that place being better or worse than her own. When Miss Mary Jones marries Mr. Peter Smith she becomes Mrs. Peter Smith. When Miss Catherine Middleton marries Prince William of Wales she become Princess William of Wales. It has nothing at all to do with a royal marrying a commoner.
    The same thing would happen if it was the other way around – her a royal and him a commoner. If she was Princess Catherine of England and he was Mr. William Wales she would become Mrs. William Wales and loose her title of Princess. Though if that were the case I imagine the Queen would have offered Mr. Wales a title so her granddaughter would still have a high standing within the royal family where protocol still matters so very much. It wouldn’t do for the Queen’s granddaughter (and later on the King’s own daughter) to be placed behind lower level royals and dukes and barons at official occasions just because she married “beneath her”.
    In short, a woman marrying beneath her will drop down to her husband’s place in society while a man marrying beneath him will raise the woman up to his place. It’s just the way it has always been but with proper titles becoming increasingly rare and, frankly, meaningless it doesn’t matter as much anymore.

  2. Hey ,Kate will never be come princess.All the law is stating is Kate will never rule anything ,just her husband not the crown.She truhfully cannot be call dutchess or any royal term ,her parent were not of royal blood like Hrh Lady Diana Spencer…Or even Like Hrh Sarah Ferguson ,who went by her Hrh NOT THE COUNTESS TERM SHE AND HER FAMILY HAVE..DIANA AND SARAH ARE THE ONLY TWO REAL ROYAL MARRIAGES IN THE CURRENT QUEEN OF ENGLAND HOUSE HOLD.WILLIAM,HRH PRINCE HENRY,HRH PRINCESS Beatrice,Hrh Princess Eugenia..

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