They’d Think “Testament” Was What Moses Used To Fight Bad Breath

As some of you know, I am the founder and CEO of Laurie Industries, a world renown consortium of noted thinkers and deflated egos who have joined forces to do nothing at all.

Laurie Industries is where these people do what they do.  They actually do stuff; namely they sit,  think and create mayhem and chaos.   I am their leader.   In fact, we are the brain trust behind some of the most pivotal business mergers and aquisitions in history.   We’re also consultants:  Dennis Kozlowski and Ken Lay were clients. 

And I think some guy named Arthur Anderson, too. 

As we sit and think, we’ve a massive support staff consisting of townspeople who aid us in this effort.   You see, Laurie Industries is the principal employer to all those living in Laurieland, a small, tight-knit community of which also I founded and serve as Mayor in Perpetuity.   Everyone knows everybody and few ever complain about the fact that I built this city on rock and roll AND on top of a condemned landfill.   

Hey, a great cost per acre, is a great cost per acre, people!!. 

Besides, I passed the savings onto townsfolk AND I personally warned every one of them NOT to trust the infrastructure.  

You see, we’ve always had this little “issue” with water.   I mean, we’ve tried to bring it up to par.    Like a few years ago,  we were ordered by the Supreme Court to make it potable.  We didn’t even know what that meant!!!   And I’ll admit it–money was an issue.  It was tight; there was very little cash flow in city coffers.

We did the best we could but apparently, that wasn’t enough.   We were investigated by the Federal government after this birth→→ 

Yeah, I know.  Young Prunella was born with her chimera twin’s arm growing out of her head.    It looked odd, but she gets a great amount of attention in class.    For some reason, her teachers always call on her first.

Trust me…never drink water you can chew.

Anyway, we were almost forced to closed the town down and abandon our dream of a utopian junta.  We were so severely fined.    As mandated, we “flouridated” the water…but in our own special way; in ways that fit our budget.    Instead, I “Floridated” the water.  I stuck a Cuban refugee, an alligator and a photo of Tim Tebow in the main water source.

The feds were not amused.

I wish I could have done more for my people, because I’m afraid they drank the water and all that that implies.    At least two and a half generations of Laurielandians have lived in the modest homes in this berg.  But I’m afraid there’s proof in the pudding.  The kids are…uh, the kids are….well, they just don’t seem to test that well. 

It was brought to my attention recently that the current Junior class at Herman Glimpshire High School–Home of the Fighting Miscreants, has THE single worst test scores in the country. 

 

Could it be the water?   If it isn’t, then what?  We’re daunted by the possible reasons, as is our capable teaching staff,  Mizzes Crump,  Crabapple and Craboppel.  Wer’re all flumoxed.   I got a call from Glimpsher Principal, Ann Interest and she came to my office with tests in hand, and laid them on my desk.   I saw them for myself. 

I  was horrified.

  • Q:  Name the four seasons
  • A:  Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar 
  • Q.  What are steroids?
  • A.  Things that keep carpets and rungs on stairs  
  • Q.  What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
  • A.  He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
  • Q.  Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
  • A.  Premature death
  • Q.  What is artificial insemination?
  • A.  When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
  • Q.  How are the principle 20 part of the human body categorized? (for example, the abdomen) 
  • A.  The is consisted into three parts–the brainum,  the borax and the abominal cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax has the heart, lung  and the abdomen contains the five bowels:   A…E…I…O and U
  • Q.  What is a fibula?
  • A.  A little white lie
  • Q.  What does ‘varicose’ mean?
  • A.  Nearby
  • Q.  What is a seizure?
  • A.  A Roman Emporer killed by E 2 Brutus 
  • Q.  Define the phrase  terminal illness”
  • A.  When you get sick at the airport
  • Q.  Give an example of a fungus.  What is a characteristic feature?
  • A.  Mushrooms.   They look like little umbrellas
  • Q.  What is a turbine?
  • A.  Something one of them Arabs wears as a hat
  • Q.  Define momentum
  • A.  A little gift you give someone when they move
  • Q.  What is a vacuum?
  • A.  A place where the pope lives.
  • Q.  Define the term “benign”
  • A.  It’s your age after you be eight

5 comments

  1. I’m from Laurieland, and would lyke to commint on the abuv artikul, as soon as I finish reeding it. I hav my dikshunary and maad it thru the first sentense – only tuk me 25 minuts. I shuld be dun in a littel moar than a yeer, and you kneed to giv me a bit of thyme to come up with sum wittie things to say. OK, bak to reeding. Oh, and “Go Miscreer, er.. Miscreation.. no… er… Go whatever r maskot is.”

  2. Your description of Laurieland sounds suspiciously like that of a town east of where I live called Baytown. Your name sounds familiar. Were you at one time a city official in some town called Chanapasabaypark or Pasachanabayporte?

    .

    That would be North Pasachanadenaportshoreview Park, G.

    LK

  3. If you ONLY knew how long and hard I looked for that in your archives . . . Thanks.

    .

    Yes I knew that.

    You are indeed one of my most devoted readers, G. I thank you.

    LK

  4. One last comment here. It’s about that group photo. I’m not sure whether I should be laughing at it or not. Is it OK to laugh at one-eyed Jim, Munster, cave girl and confused Pete? If not, I am most certainly going straight to hell for all the time I’ve spent doing doing just that.

And now, you may opine your ass off...

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