Education: The 50 Year Difference

Scenario:  Young Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with a loaded shotgun in his truck’s gun rack

  • 1960 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack. They compare and contrast, then laugh uproariously about a recent hunting trip involving deer and beer.  Guns go back into their respective vehicles
  • 2010 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or shotgun again
  • Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers
  • Six parents sue
  • Three don’t even have children enrolled in that school

Scenario: Peter and Mark get into a fistfight after school

  • 1960 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Peter and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
  • 2010 – Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Peter and Mark. Both are charged with assault, both are expelled even, though Peter started it
  • Mark tries to cope with what has happened; he then makes every attempt to “settle down and fly right”
  • Eventually gets “The Calling” his Senior year in high school
  • Graduates from HS; Goes to seminary, becomes a priest, then amid nasty rumors, becomes a  “Youth Pastor” who within a brief, seven year span, the Diocese moves from parish to parish
  • A lot….

Scenario:  Jeffrey fidgets; can’t be still in class. Ends up disrupting other students.  This frustrates the teacher

  • 1960 – Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal at Columbia Elementary School.  He returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.  Ever.
  • 2010 – Jeffrey is sent to the school counselor and after three minute evaluation, is given note to take home  to his single parent mother who including Jeffrey, has “five kids from seven different fathers” (her words, not ours).  She is also an unemployed alcoholic and severely addicted to Benzodiazepam and Skittles.  Protests diagnosis saying it will present  even more of a hardship on her struggling family.  She sobers up long enough to send Jeffrey, as directed by the school counselor, to a free clinic.  The child is given huge doses of Ritalin.  Becomes a veritable zombie
  • This becomes just another “confirmed” case of ADD, but good news for school;  it receives extra funding from state because Jeffrey has “a disability”
  • New funds are used to purchase additional Mexican flags to place above “Old Glory” on flagpole in order to make children of illegal immigrants, which now comprise 65-percent of school’s student population, feel more “at home”
  • A militant Sean Penn holds a press conference on the matter; rages against a society and educational system that would rage against poor, alcholic single mothers with Skittles addictions.   Michael Moore starts writing a screenplay about it.  Working title is “Tiddly Winking for Columbia”
  • Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins sympathize with Jeffrey’s poor, alcholic mother. They decide to give her all the profits from their last two movies
  • She’s awarded a check for $635.92

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt

  • 1960 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman and father of three
  • 2010 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care, is sexually abused by older, foster brother. He turns to drugs and alcohol and the wrong element in school. Eventually, joins a gang known as “The Bloods”.   Their rivals are “The Platelets”.   Billy and company knock over a Crate and Barrel (this is a gang in an upper Middle Class neighborhood, you understand)
  • Gets caught, trying to sell stolen booty at a neighborhood yard sale
  • Sent up to serve seven years at Statesville Prison
  • Prison psychologist encourages sibling counseling.   Robert Turnbull informs Billy’s sister that she also remembers being abused and their dad is sentenced to five years at Statesville Prison
  • Mother also meets with Billy’s psychiatrist for sessions
  • She ends up having a torrid, two year long affair with him
  • So does Billy’s imprisoned father

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English

  • 1960 – Pedro goes to summer school, eventually passes English, goes to college.  Becomes a well known Civil Rights lawyer
  • 2010 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway, but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak any English
  • Keith Olbermann writes, produces and anchors an extremely slanted and bombastic 49-part series, “Pedro’s Failure: Still Bush’s Fault–Just One More Example This Man’s Epic Failure as President” to be aired on MSNBC in prime time

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed

  • 1960 – Ants die
  • 2010 – The ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are called.  Johnny charged with domestic terrorism.  The FBI investigates parents; siblings removed from home and all computers are confiscated.  Johnny’s immediate family is placed on an internatiopnal Terror Watch List and is never allowed to fly again
  • The New York Times declares him, “Jihad Jonnny–Ant Hater”
  • The Dixie Chicks perform in London and tell crowd of 900 in the Royal Albert Hall they’re embarrassed that Dick Cheney survived last heart attack which was caused by his obvious responsibility for “Jihad Johnny’s” horrible life experience that made him want to kill.   Psychiatrists label  him an  “Anty Semite” .  
  • If nothing is rectified immediately,  a very angry Alec Baldwin threatens to move to Europe
  • Alarmed by this impending move, the E.U. submits a formal protest to The Hague
  • Baldwin moves to Salina, Kansas instead
  • Angry, but confused residents of Salina, Kansas then file a formal protest with Al Haig

Scenario: Mikey falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He’s found crying by his teacher, Mary

  • 1960 – She hugs him to comfort him. He feels better, pain is quelled, self-esteem reinstated, he continues playing. Goes on to become very successful actor-turned-chemist
  • 2010 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job
  • She faces three years in the Statesville Prison
  • Mary is convicted; serves her time
  • Becomes a lesbian
  • Mikey undergoes five years of court intsense court ordered psychotherapy
  • He also becomes a lesbian

..,

3 comments

  1. so, so true! our first grade teacher, mrs little, paddled her students for not getting answers right. we stood in line after doing our classroom assignment and if they were wrong, she swatted our butts with a paddle (the wooden toy paddle that comes with a rubber “string” attached to a little ball). anyway, i don’t recall having it done to me but i was petrified of the old broad. i wonder if she’s still around.

    *****

    I doubt it, Sister Dear. Wasn’t Mrs. Little like 107 even back then????

    My first young teacher (under the age of 30 was Sharon Stewart in 5th) grade. Up until that time I had nothing but old spinsters or aging widows teach me. Roger Sides was my first male teacher. I think he was my Social Studies teacher in either 7th or 8th grade.

    I remember old Roger’s yellow teeth made that from years of smoking. That man smelled like Marboro factory and he always had a pack of ciggies in his shirt pocket.

    I remember those squinty little eyes of his and how they peered at the young girls in their short skirts. I always had my wwn opinions about Roger Sides the man. Yet, Karnes City goes and names an Elementary School after him.

    Go figure.

    If we use that philosophy, thy then couldn’t the building which houses grades 9 -12 be Henry Wax Karnes High School?? I mean, that’s who the city was named after?

    Susan Wagner was my speech and drama teacher–loved her. Rename it the Susan Moore Auditorium? Who the hell was Dave E. Moore anyway???

    The Herb Karnau Band Hall?

    The Laurie Kendrick Memorial Bathroom Stall, Third From The Left–Main Hallway???

    LK

  2. Is there not a porta potty in Waco named after you?

    ****

    Well, I do seem to remember conveying a story to you and yours about covering a tornado that struck Lancaster, just south of Dallas..it was 1993. Damage was extensive.

    And yes, I seem to remember there was a port-o-pissoir that had a faulty door hitch and I had a faulty bladder at the time. In a fit of urinary desperation, Iused the filthy facility with a door that wouldn’t stay shut and all well, long story short, some construction workers got an eye full o’Kendrick that day.

    Two died.
    Five went blind.
    Three turned gay.
    And one man turned to salt.

    All in all, it was a good day.

    LK

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