Things That Bother and Rile Me

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Wanna know what irks me? What gets in my psyche and stays there? What shifts my focus to it and it alone and then teeters on becoming annoyingly, blindingly “obsessive”???

To you, the gist of my ire might be considered petty or ridiculous. I might even be construed as shallow after you read this.

Well, I’ll risk it kids, because these are FOUR things that rrreeeeeaaaallllyyyy bother me.

1. White or black heads. If you have a visible black head or white head, especially one that’s in a prominent position on the face, please, don’t leave your house. Women have a natural tendency to want to pick, pluck, cast off these nasty things. And since I am a dame, whenever I’m face-to-zit, I find it very hard to concentrate on anything that’s being said. I can only see that….that nasty clogged pore and the desire to make what offends my eye, go far, far away is very strong.

IT MUST BE REMOVED and removal is a matter of black……or white.

2. People who order literally from the menu. Say for example, we’re in line at Wendy’s. The guy in front of you steps up to the counter and tells acne riddled Ricky, the 17-year-old Assistant Night Manager that he wants–in no uncertain terms– a “Wendy’s Hot and Juicy with with cheese and throw in a side Wendy’s crisp and tasty French Fries, cooked to a golden brown”.

Jeez…please.

I also knew a guy who once ordered, “Mom’s Old Fashioned Pot Roast, you know the one with Generous Slices of Beef with Tender Garden Vegetables in a Rich, Savory Brown Gravy”.

Yes, he actually ordered his entre that way. It was as grating as fingernails on a chalkboard or Fran Drescher’s “Nanny” voice at 3 am. Save yourself the embarrassment and order by number or generically and please….please never, ever order “a cola”….especially in Texas, Arkansas, Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee, Georgia, part of the Carolinas, most of the Virginias and all of Florida, save for Boca Raton.

3. Large facial moles. I’ve got a few moles myself, but none on my face. And you shouldn’t either. Sorry, if that offends, but I’m being honest. If you’ve a mole on your face that’s so large that even Richard Thomas and Aaron Neville are shaking their heads in disbelief, GO TO A DERMATOLOGIST… NOW! Nothing…I repeat…nothing protruding from your skin should be large enough to accommodate a Bunny Trail on one of it’s “slopes”.

4. Juicy Lisperers. I know lisping is a real problem. I feel sorry for those with a lisp–I suffered through a few years of it as a child. Many people have had the problem…many still do. In fact, lisping has hampered some of the biggest, roughest toughest “He-Men” around.

If you’re an adult and you lisp, you have my sympathy, but saliva control is a must. I speak from experience.

Allow me:

Karnes City, Texas  

September 1969.

My hometown always hosted an annual three day fair. The entire community shut down and as a whole, really got into the celebration that was “Town and Country Days”. Part of the reverie included a traveling carnival replete with a delightful personnel roster comprised of staffers that were–I swear to God–extracted from the seediest underbelly of Hell. In other words, if Hell had a bad neighborhood, these people would not only be residents, they’d also head up the Homeowners Association.

Anyway, a friend and I had a blast riding the Tilt-A-Whirl and the Whirl-A-Rock and the Rock and Jerk and the Jerk and Spew. Then after the fun of neon lit centrifuges for humans wore thin, we decided to play a few games, like the milk bottle toss game. That’s when we saw her: The Lisping Carnival Barker.

She was short, fat..completely oafish. Ugly matted hair was held in place by ancient bobby pins and even older applications of Aqua Net. She was Mephistopheles with a change apron; hairy armpits and what looked like Milk Duds under her fingernails. She was also a mouth breather… her lips never touched each other; and probably refused to out of protest.

Her teeth…all four of them…looked like an odd melding of molten bean dip and sinus infection. It was a gross homage to the otherwise beautiful browns and golden ochres of fall foliage. To make matters worse, a greenish froth appeared in the corners of her mouth when she spoke. It was caking before my eyes.

She was instructing me on the rules of the game when IT happened: she uttered the word “toss” and when she did, all those “s’s” projected a lob of contagion—a salivary salvo, which landed on my bottom lip. It was as if I’d been attacked.

The weaponry?

Dreaded carnie germs!!!

I ran from the milk bottle toss game and away from the carnival grounds in a panic. I defined the silent scream that day. In fact, I distinctly remember weeping at one point fearing that the microbes would somehow soak into my lip and alter my DNA or something.

I arrived home, having run/walked the entire way with two fingers grasping my lip in an attempt to immobilize it. In a fit of desperation, I actually dabbed Windex on the spot where the vile carnival slobber landed.

I was OK…no worse for the wear, but just as I feard, something did happen in the brief time that nasty saliva–rife with the essence of cotton candy, inbreeding and juvie hall— sat on my lip. I believe my system absorbed just enough to render me…..PART CARNIE!!!!

Nothing else can explain why I have had this ridiculous, inexplicable urge to eat Funnel Cake all the time or why I have this need to hire ex-cons or how I now measure the height of all prospective lovers with one of these infamous carnival ride signs:

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2 comments

  1. Carnes are like a different breed of their own. They are like the hyenas in the savannah. Just strange.

  2. Wow-3457! Has KC grown. You know your lisp is what I always thought was so endearing about you. It was hot!
    Little did I know you were part carnie.

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