College Football Season Approacheth

Ah yes.  It’s almost here. 

You can always tell the first college football game is around the corner.  There’s something in the air. Sure it’s early September, but here in Texas, it’s still hotter than a crotch, but it’s as though you can feel an underlying coolness.  OK, maybe not coolness per se, but there’s something different about the atmosphere.  It’s palpable, like a density that you can run your fingers through and actually feel something…like resistance.   And not only that, but the days are already starting to get noticeably shorter while shadows get longer.   Soon, fallen leaves, sweaters and declining deodorant sales will become a part of the vista of which we are all a part. 

I love college football.  And if you’ve been reading this blog for any of the three football seasons it’s been alive, then you know I am a dyed in the wool Texas Longhorn fan and have been since the Horns beat Arkansas in the Big Shootout on December 6, 1969. Yes, I remember the date  They won the National Championship that year.     I was ten and enamored with the Longhorns and this happened to be Texas’ last all Anglo football team.  Odd, that it took that long for integration to happen, huh?   That year, I seem to remember the team’s helmets were white cotton and pointy with eye holes cut out and I say that as a faithful follower and contributor to both the John Birch Society AND the NAACP, thank you very much.

Aside from their social irresponsibility in the last 40 plus years, Longhorn football has meant and continues to mean a great deal to me.   I don’t know why–I suppose it’s because I’m a native Texan; I went to UT for a while ( graduated from a smaller university not far from Austin, but never lost my Longhorn allegiance) and well, let’s face it;  so few people outside Texas look good in burnt orange.   And like other devoted and loyal fanatics of sports teams, I have supported the Horns through great seasons (such as the BCS Championship one of 2005, courtesy of a pigskin clutching Harry Potteresque wizard named Vince Young)  and not so great seasons which would be any that didn’t include a finely tuned Vince,  Colt McCoy or Ricky “Blunt” Williams.

But I’ll spare you the overt burnt orange fawning this time around and wish the Horns well;  they’ll need it.  I know they’ll have a blemished seasoned.   This is something of a rebuilding year for the team.   Colt is gone and in his stead is a worthy replacement.  The young but gifted, Garrett Gilbert was forced into action when Colt bruised his shoulder (or was it his ego???)  in Texas’ initial drive in the National Championship game at the Rose Bowl against Alabama this past January. 

The uh…the Horns, well, they lost that game.

Sigh.

While new, unfamiliar names will grace the jerseys of players who we  don’t yet know this season, the team, I hear, is loaded with talent at just about every position on the field.   Young talent too; the kind that will only get better as they ripen on the vine that is 100 yards long and covered with green grass and white chalk hash marks.    

Texas is known for its depth and in 2010, it has it.  Head Coach, Mac Brown is often criticised for everything he does, but the man has made Texas one of true powerhouses in college football.   Maybe not this year or next, but Texas by and large has always been a contender.  Thanks to Brown and his team of Play Creators, but Brown has taken things well beyond what even Saint Darrell of Royal was able to accomplish.   Brown has created a super team in a sea of super teams.   And I don’t care who you root for; even if you hate the Steers, Texas’ power is undeniable.    And not just on the field.  

CASE IN POINT:   Texas getting to play Michigan in the Rose Bowl in 2005 without REALLY deserving to be there.   I say that as humble Longhorn fan AND as a very a staunch critic of BCS partisan politics, especially where elite teams are concerned, and yes, UT is one of the most elite.   Money talks–loudly and Texas has loads of it, meaning they can afford the best speech coaches.

During the off season, Brown continued his stellar recruiting run..he calls this current team of recruits “the best ever”.  That’s saying something .   I understand this team is once again chocked full of extremely talented athletes; just inexperienced ones.   I’ve heard that in spite of  Gilbert’s more than adequate throwing arm,  Mac and Co. will shift the team to more of a run-oriented offense this year.  Perhaps that’s by design, because Gilbert, while experienced  in real-time play, is still quite a rookie in burnt orange.  I hope he can prove something to himself and all detractors when he has a sensational first three weeks of the season playing against cupcake teams.   Seriously…love you Horns, but who in the hell schedules your schedule, especially early in the schedule???  

This year I hear you’re playing the University of Phoenix On-Line!!??!!!??!  

Damn!  I said I wouldn’t go on about the Horns but I did anyway.   Sorry.  My bad.

So to make up for this egregious error, I am offering you some funny football related videos to help get you in the mood for the College Gridiron: Version 2010.   

Let’s begin with USC. 

The Beach Boys said California girls were cute.  And it is undeniable.  By and large they are–and I say that as a tried and true heterosexual woman, but apparently (and OK, OK… I’m strictly referring to the California girls who cheer for USC)  they’re just not that bright when they don maroon and gold cheerleading uniforms.  Either that or ethey’re xtremely specious when it comes to the opposing team and scoring drives.    

What exactly is this all about?  What’s with the cheerleader?  A hidden trampoline? Springs instead of  femurs, maybe???    An idiotic frog impersonation??? 

YOU DECIDE!!!  

Remember this embarrassing moment?   The bench clearing fisticuffs you’re about to see, ensued after some strange play or something.  It all went down in the game between Miami and Florida International University a few years ago.

One fan said of this brawl, “I thought this was sickening and an embarrassment to the sport.  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  I was angered and mortified for both teams.  I was stunned at the levels to which these teams sank.   Then, I saw the body slam…..that was freakin’ AWESOME!!!

And finally, behave all you sports anchors!!   This means you, Herb and Corso, Chris, Desmond and Craig.   All that rage against the machines you’ve expressed over the year, plus those horribly wrong on-camera game predictions could come back to haunt you….like it did with these cats.

Well, there you have it.  I’ll leave you with these tried and true college football jokes.  Feel free to use them and interchange the teams as you see fit–I did.  

Happy college football season 2010, ya’ll.   May Notre Dame lose often; may Boise get the respect it deserves; may USC receive an additional Death Penalty for the next 20 years, and may the Sooners see the errors of their ways.  I mean they are from Oklahomo after all, and I say that as a devoted Fag Hag.

And as always, GO HORNS!!!!!

Q: What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: How do you get an Alabama cheerleader into your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push.

Q: How do you get a LSU graduate off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: Why is the Baylor football team like a possum?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: What are the longest three years of a Oklahoma football player’s life?
A: His freshman year.

Q: How many Nebraska freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That’s a sophomore course.

Q: Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco all those years ago?
A: College Station, TX.  He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.

Q:  What did the average USC quarterback get on his SAT test?
A:   Drool. 

And proof that I can even make fun of my own…

Q: Why did Texas choose orange as their team color?
A: You can wear it for the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

v

36 comments

  1. Long time UGA fan here. Although I’m not a longhorn fan, I do have a lot of respect for McCoy. He was a great QB for Texas, and I think is one of the players that will truly shine in the NFL. He went 13 for 13 and 131 yards in 2 quarters with the Browns last night, and it was fun watching him. Best of luck to him. And best of luck to Texas in the 2010 season.

  2. Hi Laurie, and Hook ’em, Horns!
    But do you really think we’ll have to wait till the foptball season of 2910?
    Enjoyed the jokes a lot.
    Regards from southern Texas,
    Pit

    *

    Thanks for pointing out the error of my ways. Where in South Texas? I grew up down there.

    LK

  3. Hook ’em Horns! As both a college football fan and a Texas Ex I enjoyed your post a great deal. I look forward to reading more.

    Thanks,

    DFW Gambler

  4. Love your college jokes!
    Hey, why can’t they have a nativity scene at Auburn??
    .
    They can’t find three wise men and a virgin.

  5. I think the great thing about this football season is that Hofstra has finally given up the ghost and dropped their program. For the first time in ages, Darrell Royal doesn’t have to worry about them telling him what to do.

  6. I love you. I’ll definitely be reading just because it’s so hard to find a woman who also enjoys college football. I go to school in New York, and nothing makes me miss the South more like football season (and this is coming from someone who grew up in Miami, which isn’t Southern at all). I’m so happy it’s finally football season. GO CANES! Though I do have plenty of respect for the Longhorns. 🙂

  7. Hi Laurie,
    You asked where in southern Texas I am from. Well, as a German who has only recently come to Texas I can’t really say I AM from Karnes City, but I’ve been living here for a few years now, after having visited here regularly for more than 10 years. So, for me it’s not only “Hook ’em, Horns”, but also – more locally – “Go Badgers, Go!”.
    Best regards,
    Pit
    P.S.: And, please, excuse my typo [“foptball”] in my previous comment.

    **

    Mein Gott, Pit..I was born and raised in Karnes City!!! Graduated from Karnes City High School, class of ’77. Donned the orange and black short uniform and was a Badger cheerleader in Jr. High and High School. I’m related to the once huge and prominent Crews family…my mother’s maiden name. Most of that side of the family who one lived there are either dead or moved on.

    Wow.

    I write about life in Karnes City from time to time. I give it credit for producing a person like me. Small town life and its limitations forced me to read a lot and actively seek the things I wanted to know more about. As much as I didn’t like life there, especially during my High School years, I realize it was pivotal to the creation of the person I became.

    And of all people, you come to my blog. Did you by any chance know that I was from Karnes City or was this just a serendiptious accident? Well, either way…wilkommen.

    Es ist eine sehr kleine Welt.

    LK

  8. Your post made me laugh! I did not grow up in the US, so I am a little well, challenged in the finer points of football, but even I get caught in the excitement of it all…

  9. Hi! My boyfriend is a Michigan fan. He goes to football sites and watches football replays in the internet rather than watching porn lol

  10. I fully support your bashing of the less-than-brilliant U$C cheerleaders! However, I’ll thank you to not equate them with ALL California girls 🙂 You won’t catch a UCLA girl cheering for an SC field goal!

  11. The college sports scene isn’t as big here in Illinois as it is in other places in America, but we also really don’t have many annual powerhouse teams here to speak of.

    We have allot on our plates as far as pro sports go though. In Chicago, we have the defending Stanley Cup Champs in the Chicago BlackHawks, an up & coming playoff NBA contender in the Chicago Bulls, the 2005 World Series Champs and a constant division contender in the Chicago White Sox, A pretty good NFL football team that you might have heard of called the Chicago Bears, and then we also have the Chicago Cubs.

    I try following the college football & basketball scene as much as I can though, but for different reasons than most. I like watching how some players adapt to the next level, but I also don’t have an allegiance towards any particular college team.

    When I saw Dwayne Wade play basketball in college, I knew immediately that he was gonna be someone special to watch at the next level. The same can be said about Brian Urlacher when I saw him play football in college.

    The two players that I’m keeping my eye on currently are both football players. I enjoyed watching both Matthew Stafford and Tim Tebow play college football, and I think that they are both gonna be something special at the next level.

  12. I accidentally clicked on the link to your post from the front page of wordpress, and was pleasantly surprised! I love football season, and as an avid LSU fan, was incredibly excited that we beat UNC last night! SO it begins!

    Thanks for the enjoyable post 🙂

  13. Loved the post! The jokes were very funny. I write a sports humor blog and with your okay I’ll link to this article.

    *

    Please feel free and thank you for your kind words.

    LK

  14. Hi Laurie,
    It was pure chance that I found your blog. I’ll write more about me and KC in an e-mail. Hope I got your e-mail address correct from this blog.
    Regard, and “Go, Badgers, go!”,
    Pit

  15. Great post Laurie. I bled burnt orange as well. Love me some longhorns. Though I have to say I really admire and love colt. Heck, we almost named my son Colt. And even though he is not with the Browns (Yeesh!) I still love the guy and plan to follow him in his progression. Hook em horns!!!

  16. What do you call a Longhorns fan?
    A high School drop out.

    ****

    Gee, that’s odd Collin…that’s what UT alums call Red Raider fans.

    LK

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