To Sit Or Not To Sit????

That is the question, is it not? 

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
or to take arms against a sea of troubles and end them by opposing them. 

And in this case, we’d be slinging arrows at a topic that I find rather amusing and one you just don’t  hear discussed that much:  men who urinate while sitting down.

My father would question a foe or rival’s masculinity by insinuating,”I’ll bet he sits down to pee!”.  I must have heard that a million times growing up.

Consequently, that phrase is etched in my psyche.  I have “known” for most of my life that—MEN WHO SIT DOWN TO VOID THEIR BLADDERS AREN’T MEN, BUT RATHER EFFEMINATE MOUTH BREATHERS WHO SHOULD BE SHOT AT DAWN!!

The repercussions of this belief came to a head and were questioned a decade ago when I dated a man who was macho in every sense of the word.  He even had a macho, masculine job that was manly;   the kind of  gig Elvis would have had in one of his movies.   And did you ever notice that in almost every Elvis movie, his characters always had a cool, manly one syllable name like Rick, Nick, Russ and  Mike?    

But I digress…

This ex of mine urinated in the classically feminine position. I remember encountering this for the first time and assuming one of those “flinging my back  against the wall, mouth agape, hand over my heart in shock and dismay” positions.   I questioned, albeit briefly, why I was involved with a squatter.  

I confronted him. 

He said  he sat because it was more convenient for him and easier on his man parts to sit. 

“Not good enough”,  I thought.  

Because of what my father had instilled in me, I encouraged him to ‘man up” and stand while peeing.  

He said he’d didn’t want make a mess all over the bathroom floor. 

I offered to get yellow carpet.

We broke up before the great Prostate Debate was ever settled, but it got me thinking.   I mean, after all, this single act ccan render every man  automatically  incapable of loving women,  siring heirs,  starting a fire, changing my oil and tires, scratching in public,  and schlepping my groceries from the car, right?   

Completely right, according to my father and the Right Reverend,  Steven L Anderson of the Faithful Word Baptist Church in Tempe, AZ.

Look what thou hath done, Germany!!!!   And we thought the Holocaust was the worst travesty you could inflict on humanity.   Oh no, you turned the males of your country into a bunch of Teutonic Tee-Tee’ers who sit while doing their business and THAT’S why Germany is lagging behind the rest of the civilized, industrial world.   

Well, as it happens,  I’ve been to Germany and while I didn’t spend an inordinate amount of time in die Toilette von Männern, entweder öffentlich oder privat, I don’t remember hearing the man I was with say he saw signs indicating  sittin’ only der men folk.

And as for the histrionics loving man of the cloth,  Pastor Anderson?   I wouldn’t take seriously anything  Reverend Whack Job has to say.   His “Men MUST Stand To Pee” diatribe was followed by, “If You Let Your Wife Go To A Male Gynecologist, You Need, To Get Right With God, Son!”  

Here’s the Gospel according to The Mainichi Daily News which is the English-language site of Japan’s Mainichi Newspapers:

About 40 percent of adult Japanese men sit on the toilet to urinate — a staggering figure almost three times the number recorded in 1999 — according to a survey by Western-style toilet manufacturer Matsushita Electric Works Ltd.

The survey of 518 men and an identical number of women whose ages ranged from their 30s to 50s showed that the younger the man, the more likely he is to sit down while peeing instead of the traditional method of standing up.

The 40 percent of men who sit while urinating is almost three times more than the 15 percent of men who did so when the company first started surveying toilet habits in 1999.

And Japan is a really progressive country, not overtly manly in accordance with Occidental sensibiloities, but rife with geniuses nonetheless.

I only wish woman could pee standing up without having to be as limber  as a nubile gymnast.     Now, in the interest of keeping disease and body crab infestation to a minimum, I mostly stand, bend at the waist and knees and hover over a public toilet.   And surprise!  I don’t make a mess and yes, I use a water gun that has…er, uh…has a very bent scope.   So, what’s the difference?

I know a lot of women who hover and pee and what’s interesting here is that we often don’t leave the same urine rich spray patterns all over the bathroom.   And we even have far, FAR less urethra to work with.  The male anatomy makes it easier for men to aim and discharge, but by virtue of the fact they’re the bigger, stronger, burlier of   the species, it comes out faster and with more speed.  

If you want to stand and pee, but  you thoughtfully want to bridge the distance between Mr. Muscular Maypole and his watery target, why not  assume the  classic ski jump position?   See the artist’s rendering to your left?    Just lean into the act. 

This should be extremely easy to do since toilets are rarely ever in the center of the bathroom and almost always butt up against a wall.

So, let’s assess where we are:   the offense of the men who pee standing/pee sitting and the mess it makes, actually comes in the form of the splash back from the stream hitting the water, due to forceful peeing.  We’re talking about that recently  consumed  six pack’s second act in the bathroom.

And what’s the bigger problem here?   Let’s be honest;  some men are rarely in the habit of putting the seat down (if they even lift it up at all)  or cleaning up around them if they make a urine mess.  If this neglect is the culprit in the hygiene debate, that beckons the question– can a then man control the speed and force of his urine?   A woman can to  a degree.   Different musculature “down there” allows us to stop and start in mid-stream, something I understand the majority of men can’t do.  OK, that’s stopping and starting;  where are men in their ability to control outflow and speed?  Well, my sources tell me that in men ages 14-45, the average flow rate is 21 mL/sec.   For women, it’s 18 mL/sec.

Men win.

As a woman, I don’t have an issue with men who choose to pee sitting or standing.  It matters not, but I do however, think you’re a selfish, insensitive clod if you don’t put the seat down.  And really, if you’re careful, do yu really need to lift the seat?   And don’t accuse women of being insensitive for not putting the seat back up for you!    Why?  Because you can pee, stand up while doing it without creating a mono chromatic Jackson Pollock all over the bathroom.   If you choose to stand you can do it with touching the toilet seat either with your hand or your stream.    You can pee cleanly and precisely,  if you do so with determination.

Just grab it, focus and aim. 

Come on, you can do it!!   Use two hands if you have to.  Build scaffolding; paint a target in the bowl;  become a fireman.    How complicated can it be?   Hell, you men mostly designed every intricate guided missiles system we have.;  one  that can hit its target with pin  point accuracy.  You build probes that land on Mars and beam back photos of the Red Planet (providing, of course, it wasn’t actually a movie set built in an old airplane hangar near Marfa, Texas).  You can do ALL of those incredibly, complicated and sophisticated things, yet you can’t pee within the parameters afforded you by an  11 by 8 inch oval-shaped hole above a what amounts to a water filled chair?

Again, just aim.

If you need help with that, just give me a hollar.   If I know you well enough,  I’ll be happy to give you a hand.

n

2 comments

  1. Oh . . . This is so funny in so many ways.

    That’s one bat-shit crazy Baptist pastor. But having lived in Portland, Texas I pretty much think they’re all crazy. Just not quite to that degree.

    I know a lot of women who hover and pee . . .

    This reminded me of an article, probably in the Houston Press about some hipster club that encouraged graffiti in the bathrooms. One said:

    “Don’t bother to hover
    Above the seat
    The crabs in here
    Can jump ten feet”

    The male anatomy makes it easier for men to aim and discharge, but by virtue of the fact they’re the bigger, stronger, burlier of the species, it comes out faster and with more speed.

    Also known as the “Venturi effect”.

  2. My NP told me to sit when peeing so the bladder would empty more fully and I wouldn’t have a hiccup of pee come out at the end when I was zipping up. Probably TMI, but you did broach the subject.

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