KFC, You Is Crraaaaaaazzzzy

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I don’t want much network TV, save for a few select shows  and now that I’m a member of the working class once again, I watch even less.  So, it was in between cat naps during an extremely uninspired Saturday Night Live last night that I learned that the Kentucky Fried Chicken people have invented a Fried Chicken on Fried Chicken sandwich. 

Behold! This caloric monstrosity that is called the KFC Double Down:

Its contents aren’t a secret.  They’re clearly visible, though why KFC isn’t being apologetic, surprises me. I mean, this country is in the throes of am obesity epidemic.  The American Bald eagle, can no longer see it’s freakin’ talons, yet KFC (and do NOT EVEN THINK FOR ONE minute, Colonel Sanders that merely taking the word “fried” out of your chain’s title is going to fool anybody) is downright specious about the creation of the Double Down–which is a gambling term and one is risking a lot I would imagine by ording one of these “sandwiches”.

The Double Down consists of  two slabs of fried chicken parts and between them lies two pieces of bacon, two slabs of cheese, and the Colonel’s “special sauce”, whatever that is.  It comes in the form of a sandwich, with the breaded chicken where the bread used to be.   

And all of this for a mere,  $5.49; but why not go for the combo deal, which includes a small order of steak fries and a Pepsi for eight-bucks?

This is as 540-calorie sandwich but in reality, that’s only 10 more calories than the Big Mac but let’s break it down even further: eat this sandwich and yout end up eating 32 grams of fat and 1,380 milligrams of sodium. 

 

If I were stoned, I’d kill for this sammich.

But alas, I am not.

I am straight sane sober and looking at this “meal” scares me.   It’s mere presence in my line of sight gives me angina, even though there’s not supposed to be a Double Down any where near me.  Mr. Newsman here says it’s only being “test marketed” in two states and two states only.

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That’s right, ya Commie. 

I’ve never had a KFC Bowl because, well, I don’t like Kentucky Fried Chicken generally speaking–it’s cursed 11 herbs and spices be damned, so chances are, I won’t ever have this Double Down go down my human gullet.  Not because I’m too good for two slabs of chicken hugging two pieces of bacon and two kinds of cheese and something with the consistency of the Colonel’s congealed DNA holding it all together like some lab-made fast food epoxy, but because I refuse to eat anything that creates “buzz”.

Yet, I’m writing about it.

Hhhhh’mmmmmm….that’s interesting.   I help create the very buzz I hate.  That’s like hating any food with raisins in it, but liking raisins by themselves.

Still, this is America and KFC  is very much an American company that for decades, has helped define American capitalism and Teabags to Trotsky, I swear, THAT’S what this country is all about, dammit!!!

Now,  I won’t go off on some tirade and say that KFC is Satan and mass markets to the lower class and the uneducated by creating foodstuffs like this to create walking plaque-filled blimps who’ll die due to massive coronaries  like this is some sort of big, calculated Darwinian deconstruction effort.

People have a choice in what they eat…and what they don’t eat, regardless of the mass marketing/branding assault on their psyche and taste buds.   Being from a lower socio-economic level in this country doesn’t necessarily translate into gullibility.

Still, this is an interesting tack for KFC to take just as fast food is evolving.  McDonald’s seriously contemplates dumping Ronald McDonald as a mascot and going with an even leaner, healthier menu and Burger King (who makes a much better burgerI think) seems to be picking up the Mickey D’s slack by continuing to give Joe Lunch Box the big, greasy, carb-laden burger he’s always wanted.    

I’m really surprised by all of this.  Congress continues to act concerned about the waistlines of its constituency, so members publish White Paper and White Paper on obesity and the WHO, the  CDC, the Diabetes Association, Jenny Craig and that idiot vitamin pusher on the tube at 3 am, will tell you that we as a populace are fat, because we’re mal-nourished not necessarily because we overeat (though we do) but  because we eat all the wrong things and at all the wrong times.  

All right then Congress, if you’re that concerned about our  unhealthy dependency on junk and fast food, then do to it what you do to everything else:  sin tax the hell out of it.   Make the price of a Double Whopper with cheese so outrageous, that people will HAVE to either just so no..or go seek out fast food on the dreaded black market.

I just imagine the new breed of fast fooddealers, wearing hats low on their brows and sunglasses, trickles of hamburger grease running down their chins.  It’s 4 am, they’re peering around the corner of a dark, desolate, delapidated building on the poor side of town; on the bad side of the tracks where “burger labs” and “burger chefs” ply their insidious trade.  

They’ll ask as you pass by, “Yo yo yo, you wanna dime bag of BK sliders with fries?   And dig this, they’s dusted, man…..  

“With salt.”

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2 comments

  1. I almost posted something about this myself last week when I heard about it. I think it “debuted” today. Some thought it was a late April Fool’s joke. Then I heard it was true. Call me “Joe lunchbox” or “Joe six-pack” (probably more accurate) but I was looking for this heart attack in a sack today. I’ll find one before the week is over.

    What I don’t understand is why they suddenly announced to the whole damned world that they now have grilled chicken because they suddenly became concerned about your health and like you said are trying to get away from that F word only to turn around and offer this shit. I can’t wait to try one.

  2. I tried it today. Never again! It’s a sloppy, greasy, dripping mess that is too thick to get your mouth around. I didn’t even finish it.

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