Hints From Helauries


Get it?

You know…like Heloise, the prematurely gray Happy Homemaker from San Antonio who knows all these household short cuts and crap?   With a little ‘punny’ retooling, it’s just my name reworked.

As in…oh, never mind.

Besides, the following nifty household tips and hints which you are about to read aren’t from Heloise.  They were compiled by someone from that latter-day communist manifesto, the New York Times a few weeks ago as part of their “Spotlight On The Home” series that highlighted new and different and way cool creative ways to solve common problems around the home and office.   This edition features the lowly cucumber.  

Lowly?    Hardly.

Who knew the cucumber was so damn versatile?  Apparently, it can do just about anything you can imagine.  It’s like the MacGuyver of the vegetable world.  Like penis shaped duct tape.   

Dig this:

1. Cucumbers contain most of the vitamins you need every day, just one cucumber contains Vitamin B1, Vitamin B2, Vitamin B3, Vitamin B5, Vitamin B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnesium, Phosphorus, Potassium and Zinc.   Eat that bad boy raw or in a salad.

2. If you’re feeling tired in the afternoon, put down the caffeinated soda and pick up a cucumber. Cucumbers are a good source of B Vitamins and the good kind of carbohydrates that can provide that quick pick-me-up that can last for hours.   It’s also like Crank and Speed apparently. 

3. Tired of your bathroom mirror fogging up after a shower?   I know I am.  Try rubbing a cucumber slice along the mirror, it will eliminate the fog and provide a soothing, spa-like fragrance.

4. Are grubs and slugs ruining your planting beds?   And in your garden, too?  HA!  Then place a few cuke slices in a small pie plate (not Pyrex, by the way) and your garden will be free of pests all season long.  You see kids, the chemicals in the cucumber react with the aluminum to give off a scent undetectable to humans but drive garden pests crazy and make them am-scray from the garden and into your evil neighbors’ yard.

5. Looking for a fast and easy way to remove cellulite before going out or to the pool? For starters, put down that Baby Ruth candy bar,  Slim then try rubbing a slice or two of cucumbers along your problem area for a few minute.  The phytochemicals in the cucumber cause the collagen in your skin to tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing the visibility of cellulite. Works great on wrinkles too!!!

Wondering what phytochemicals are exactly?  We hear a lot about them.  Here you go; read the following and consider yourself educated:

Phytochemicals are non-nutritive plant chemicals that have protective or disease preventive properties. There are more than thousand known phytochemicals. It’s a well-known fact that plants produce these chemicals to protect itself  and the reason for all  hub-bub we’ve been hearing about recently is due to research.   Mr. Lab Coat tells that the phytochemicals protect humans against diseases. Some of the well-known phytochemicals are lycopene in tomatoes, isoflavone in soy and flavonoids in fruits. They are not essential nutrients and are not required by the human body for sustaining life.   The diseases in which the Big Brained Ones feel certain they chemicals can battle?   

The Big C…cancer, among others.

6. Want to avoid a hangover or terrible headache? Eat a few cucumber slices before going to bed and wake up refreshed and headache free. Cucumbers contain enough sugar, B vitamins and electrolytes to replenish essential nutrients the body lost, keeping everything in equilibrium, avoiding both a hangover and headache!!

7. Looking to fight off that afternoon or evening snacking binge? Cucumbers have been used for centuries and often used by European trappers, traders and explorers for quick meals to thwart off hunger.

8. Have an important meeting or job interview and you realize that you don’t have enough time to polish your shoes? Rub a freshly cut cucumber over the shoe, its chemicals will provide a quick and durable shine that not only looks great but also repels water.   I had NO idea about a cucumber’s natural Scotch Guarding abilities. 

9. Out of WD 40 and need to fix a squeaky hinge? Take a cucumber slice and rub it along the problematic hinge, and voila!!!– the squeak is gone!   Feed it to a mouse..or your dog’s chew toy!

10. Stressed out and don’t have time for massage, facial or visit to the spa?   Normally, I’d suggest popping a Xanax, but if your doctor is honest and stingy with his ‘scrip pad,  then try cutting up an entire cucumber and place it in a boiling pot of water, the chemicals and nutrients from the cucumber with react with the boiling water and be released in the steam, creating a soothing, relaxing aroma that has been shown the reduce stress in new mothers and college students during final exams. 

11. Just finish a business lunch and realize you don’t have gum or breath mints? Take a slice of cucumber and press it to the roof of your mouth with your tongue for 30 seconds to eliminate bad breath, the phytochemicals will kill the bacteria in your mouth responsible for causing bad breath.

12. Looking for a fairly ‘green’ way to clean your faucets, sinks or stainless steel? Take a slice of cucumber and rub it on the surface you want to clean, not only will it remove years of tarnish and bring back the shine, but is won’t leave streaks and won’t harm your fingers or fingernails while you clean.

13. Using a pen and made a mistake? Take the outside of the cucumber and slowly use it to erase the pen writing, also works great on crayons and markers that the kids have used to decorate the walls!!

14.  Horny?  Use it for punishing, monkey-style, self-satisfaction.

Cucumbers.   A fascinating, versatile veggie.

Keep one handy.

I do.



  1. Helauries, do you have any tips on getting blood out of furniture and carpet?


    HA! G,

    I liked that Thom Mabe phone bit, too!!


  2. What doesn’t this woman know!? I stand in awe of the majestic grandeur that
    is Helaurie…….
    Can you help with the fusion reactor in my basement? Been running rough lately.



    Well, permit me to offer these tips:

    When a relatively large fissile atomic nucleus (usually uranium-235, plutonium-239 or plutonium-241) absorbs a neutron it is likely to undergo nuclear fission. Yours may be hiccupping in this department. As I’m sure you’re aware, the original heavy nucleus splits into two or more lighter nuclei, releasing kinetic energy, gamma radiation and free neutrons; collectively known as fission products. A portion of these neutrons may later be absorbed by other fissile atoms and trigger further fission events, which release more neutrons, and so on.

    I would suggest trying to reboot your reactor. For a basement variety, this shouldn’t be difficult. Just keep in mind, that regardless of size, the nuclear chain reaction can be controlled by using neutron poisons and neutron moderators to change the fraction of neutrons that will go on to cause more fissions. In nuclear engineering, a neutron moderator is a medium which reduces the velocity of fast neutrons, thereby turning them into thermal neutrons capable of sustaining a nuclear chain reaction involving uranium-235.

    You can get some of this over to the Tom Thumb Page.

    Commonly used moderators include regular (light) water (75% of the world’s reactors) solid graphite (20% of reactors) and heavy water (5% of reactors). Beryllium has also been used in some experimental types, and hydrocarbons have been suggested as another possibility.[2] Increasing or decreasing the rate of fission will also increase or decrease the energy output of the reactor.

    Hope this helps some in nipping your problem in the bud. I know those NRC repairman charge an arm and six legs to repair a home unit.


  3. I was just using leftover coffee grounds & cheese….

    Gott in Himmel, woman! You’re funny.

  4. I find myself coming to your blog more and more often to the point where my visits are almost daily now!

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