Yesterday, we learned all about traditional items which are often given as gifts at Valentine’s Day.
We learned about the basics of giving and the options we have. Even though I’m not a fan of this Ponzi scheme of hearts and flowers, many of you are and well, I’m nothing if not generous. Therefore, your education continues today with ways to approach gift giving. Having been on the receiving end of Valentine’s Day “gifts”, I’ve learned the hard way, that often it isn’t what you give that’s important; it’s also what you don’t give. There are things you must keep in mind when pondering the perfect gift to give. So, to hammer that point home, this particular post has been written for men, by a man.
He’s the rotund enforcer er…uh…rather, he’s a Public Relations and Waste Management expert here at Laurie Industries. He compiled a specific list of the do’s, but mostly the don’ts of giving gifts to women on Valentine’s day and he should know–he’s been married for 17-years, he has three goombas (is that a Cajun seafood stew??) , he’s the father of three girls and he’s endured a decade of employment as my faithful Man Servant and major-domo.
Plus, he’s good with a baseball bat and exterminating pests and nuisance critters. He has problems with “dirty rats” and
“stool pigeons”. Vermin I get, but birds? I’m not sure why he hates birds, but he does. His reaction to them is visceral. They make him crazy.
He doesn’t even like Jose Canseco!!
But he’s loyal to a fault, he wears velour jogging suits and gold zodiac medallions like no one’s business and can make a mean gnocchi.
OK Jimmy, this is your cue.
“Uh, thanks a lot, LK. Now as many of yous know, most broads is complex and easily offended when it comes to gifts so don’t do or give your woman nuttin’ dat’ll offend her or it’s my nuts. Yous understand what I’m sayin to yous here? Aight den….dis here is my official, “She’s A Woman Dammit, So Don’t Buy or Get Her None of Dis Shit” list for Valentine’s Day 2010.” Deez is good rules to follow when thinkin’ about buyin’ any broad a gift, no matter what da holiday.
So listen up, Nitz…
1. Don’t get nuttin’ that reminds her that she ain’t in her nymphie twenties no more. You know, like nuttin’ that lets her know she ain’t perfect no more. A gym membership is completely out of da question. And for da love of God, no-self books and no appointments to get lipo. None of dat shit.
2. A bathing suit? Are you fuckin’ crazy? Unless dem two tiny samples of material you call a two piece come wit a trip to Bali attached, don’t bother.
3. Don’t get her no toys, neither. Most women don’t want video games. Now, she might ask for Botox, but dat ain’t an X-BOX. So, open ya ears jackass–listen to what she says to ya’s!!!! And if she do ask for da Botox, for da love of God, argue wit her dat she don’t need it or nuttin’. If you do, you could get some az later.
4. Don’t get her no gift certificate to no place. That’s what you do when you don’t care none and dat means you’s a lazy sumbitch.
6. Food? Nah, fuhget about it, unless you’re Emeril or a real butch Paula Dean. But you ain’t, so don’t cook or bake nuttin’. Food just ain’t a good idea. Mainly since most broads is already worried about her ass width and shit. Besides, when her friends ask her whatchu got her for Valentine’s Day, she don’t wanna have to lie……or trow up or nuthin’.
7. Get her a magazine subscription and it’ll be de last ting you get her.
8. Avoid getting dames a DVD box set of her favorite show, I don’t care how much she asks fer it. She’ll watch it once…maybe twice if she’s home fronm work wit da flu or she’s mendastraightin or what ever bitches do every month. Udderwise, she’ll just end up using it to help prop open da dining room door or maybe to pound out a veal cutlet.
9. CDs or iTunes??? You romantically retahded or what???
10. If you get her appliances, den yous gotta death wish or somethin’, stugots!!!! If she says she wanna waffle iron, dat don’t mean gettin’ her one, especially for Valentine’s Day. Jeez, if you do, you’s just tryin’ to make your life bat shit crazy. So yeah…if you’s insist on getting her an appliance, make sure it’s a meat grinder. Cuz if you do, look down and pucker, cuz you’ll be kissin’ your two fuzzies ARRIVEDERCI when she uses dat meat grinders on your figs, know what I’m sayin’ Sizzle Chest?”
11. What if you decide to go cheap ass and give her a gift you once bought for an ex-girlfriend. WRONG!!! Look…I know how most broads tink, dey WILL find out. Dey always do and when dey do, dey’ll punish you, BIG TIME. How so, you ask? Reference #10 above but den add Mr. Happy Dangly to da beefy mix.
Now, all of dis is nullfied if your dame actually DOES want some of this stuff, but it ain’t likely. Dis holiday is one in which women wanna be spoiled and whatchu call, “indulged in” or some shit, so be prepared to spend some dough.
Now, all you’s go out and have a happy freakin’ Valentine’s Day or somebody gonna get whacked.”