Now, I’ve Heard Everything


The young woman stood there with  the most loving of looks on her face.  She beamed.   She was with him again.  It had been too long.

She stated how much she missed him.    How much she loved him.  How beautiful he was; how he fulfilled her sexually and how wonderful he smelled.

She then reached up and gently stroked his side with her hand, then dipped her finger in axle grease and sniffed it.

No, that’s not a new man’s fragrance from Calvin Klein;   we’re talking real  axle grease; the lubricant which possesses a higher initial viscosity than oil.  You know, the kind used in a mechanism that can only be lubricated infrequently in places where a lubricating oil wouldn’t stay in position. 

Your next question would be (and rightly so) “Why would a man need axle grease?”

Well, a man wouldn’t, but a carnival ride would.

This woman is professing her love for and to….. a Tilt-A-Whirl.     

She suffers from something called “Objectum Sexual”.   Commonly referred to as OS, it’s a  pronounced emotional desire towards particular inanimate objects.   You know…stuff.   Individuals with expressed preference (and there are far more female OSers than make) may feel strong feelings of arousal, attraction, love, and commitment to certain items or structures of their fixation.   For many,  sexual or even close emotional relationships with humans are completely incomprehensible.

Objectum Sexuality is a relatively new term, coined in the 70′  by Eija-Riitta Eklöf Berliner-Mauer, a Swedish woman who fell in love with and then was “married” to the Berlin Wall.     Many OSers also believe in animism which is the belief that objects have souls, intelligence, feelings and are able to communicate mentally and physically.

And yes, even sexually.

My strange and cursed television viewing habits are responsible for this post.   I was mesmerized Thursday night by a British documentary on the subject entitled,  “Married To The Eiffel Tower”.  

The title stems from Erika Eiffel, a two time world champion in archery, who married the Eiffel Tower in 2008.   Yes, she “married it” and even took its
last name.   Interestingly enough, Erika claims to be able to sense an object’s sexuality and she’s dead certain that the Eiffel Tower is decidedly female.  So that makes her….what?   A lesbian???????

Amy Wolf is the Pennsylvania woman I mentioned at the top of this post.   The ride she’s in love with is actually called “The 1001 Nacht”.  Now, if appearances are anything, Amy looks like a very in-your-face lesbian–masculine looking with a burr haircut.    Looks are deceiving.  She has absolutely no interest in being with human beings of any gender.    I should also mention here that she’s not being completely faithful to Mr. Nacht.  She’s also in love with a church banister.

Amy also loves a banister in her home and the Empire State Building, which as a phallic symbol I get, but stair railings????

Obviously, to “love” an inanimate object is not something mentally and emotionally healthy people seek.    There are psychological reasons for lapsing into object love.  

In Erika Eiffel’s case, she suffered physical and emotional as a child and consequently, she was bounced from foster home to foster home.   She eventually joined  United States Air Force but during training she was sexually assaulted and defended herself with a Japanese sword, which was her lover at the time.    She refused to part with the sword and was discharged from the military for psychological reasons.  

She then fell in love with an archery bow she named Lance.   As mentioned earlier, she was a US medalist in the field of archery, but shortly after that her relationship with Lance began to crumble.     And when when first laid eyes on the Eiffel Tower–she knew she was hooked.   She married it in 2007.  On their one-year anniversary,  Erika went back to visit the Lady Tower to consummate their marriage. She lifted up her skirt, and straddled one of the beams with “no barrier” between them.

After her assignation session in France, she hopped a train over to Sweden to visit her other lover, the Berlin Wall and his wife,  Eija-Riitta Eklöf Berliner-Mauer.   The two women are friends and I should mention that there is no jealousy here.  Those with OS believe in wholesale polygamy.

Look, I understand fetishes.  God knows when I worked on The Stevens and Pruett Show on KLOL-FM in Houston in the 90’s, I saw things a woman ain’t oughta see, but this?   Can these even be deemed as acceptible behavior?   Sexologist Olkmar Sisusch believes that objectophiles aren’t hurting anyone. nor or they abusing or traumatizing anyone.    Therefore, Sisusch won’t classify this behavior as pathological.


Not much is known about OS, but first year Psych students are starting to see it on their class syllabusses.  What’s interesting is that of the research being conducted on Objectum Sexual, experts are finding a higher incidence of  Asperger’s Syndrome and Autism among those with the syndrome.  Erica Eiffel doesn’t cop to this finding and instead believes she was born this way. Her years of  abuse had nothing to do with her social withdrawal.

Oh yeah,  she also believes the Eiffel Tower loves her back.

“Married To The Eiffel Tower” is a fascinating study on the fragile human psyche in all its obsessive/compulsive, anti-social zaniness.   I watched it on BBC America and I’ve not a clue when it’ll be broadcast again, but because you are so freakin’ special to me fair reader, I’m going to include some of the more interesting scenes here.   

And one more thing, Erika also loves the Golden Gate Bridge.


But these two clips only scratch the surface.   This documentary is a must see for the fetish voyeur and any and all erstwhile psychologists.

There’s also a website devoted to OS.  Click here to be take there.

So, there you go, Kids.  Objectum Sexual–the love of inanimate objects in a nutshell, which I’m sure if I Googled “nutshell”, Id probably find that it too, is probably married.   

And for those of you playing the home game, OS is not to be confused with Paraphilia, which describes sexual arousal to objects, situations, or individuals that are not part of normal stimulation and that may cause distress or serious problems for the paraphiliac or persons associated with him or her.

I hope that cleared up any confusion.   

Now, if you’ll excuse me, my car is suddenly looking mighty sensual to me.  “Pierre” and I will share some Vichy water, we’ll read a little Keats together, then I’ll dress in something skimpy.   But I’d like to remain friends and nothing more.   He’s a car. 

 Besides, I’d really hate to blow a gasket.



  1. So… would the following be an example of an OS fetish?


    If so, I’d be seriously questioning whether there are more female than male OS’ers.

    The Eiffel Tower as a female? Let’s just say that is frightening – very frightening!

  2. I hope that cleared up any confusion.

    It didn’t. I’m only more confused.

    I didn’t know that Dr. Drew was also a priest.

  3. I’m curious to know how the Berlin Walls’ wives handled it being torn down? I don’t recall them on TV while the hammers and chisels were flying…did they not make any attempt to save it’s, sorry his life? I have a piece of the wall in my possesion, given to me by a group from Berlin while here on business from my days of International Marketing. Maybe they would like to arrange a visit. Conjugal perhaps…I’ll even provide the soap, condoms, tissue, sheets, pillowcase, face towel and a bath towel!

  4. Sorry-I just can’t understand this preference. I guess it isn’t a sin because a) it isn’t human and b) it isn’t breaking a commandment. Or is it??? I don’t know.

  5. I can only imagine this happening in a world filled with texting and websites and chat and little real human interaction.

    And I still love your blog.

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