I’ve been somewhat isolated from the world over the past two weeks. I spent a very quiet and sequestered Christmas and a rather uneventful New Years at home. My phone hasn’t rung much and on those occasions when it did, I rarely answered it.
Some might consider what I’m doing to be retreating.
I call it applying much needed emotional salve.
I’ve spent this time heavily engrossed in thought. You see, I celebrated a rather important emotional change recently and I now must forge ahead without a sizeable albatross around my neck. I’m happy that I removed it, but I lived with it for so long that it’s weightiness became part of the fabric of my life.
Travelling lighter feels odd, especially since I’ve spent a lifetime taking three-hour cruises with every piece of luggage I own. Just ask Thurston Howell, III and his lovely boa wearing gadfly wife, Lovey.
That takes some getting used to.
As a result, I’ve learned that there are times when even less can still be too much. We must all pack carefully for our journeys.
Gee, that was sappy. Made my pancreas ache.
So instead of recapping all that 2009 was and wasn’t and instead of attempting to encapsulate one of the worst decades of my life, I’ve decided to look ahead and vow to make the necessary changes (call them resolutions if you must) to ensure 2009 and years before it never, EVER repeat themselves.
1. While I don’t completely buy the Gore sponsored Global Warming front, I will make a concerted effort to conserve energy. I’ll try to reduce my carbon footprint which is currently at a 16 and a half, down to a more eco-friendly and cost-effective size 8.
2. I’ll never do another illegal drug—-that involves a dealer of any kind.
3. I’ll only self-pleasure when completely sexually aroused–not because I’ve grown bored in between Glenn Beck’s on-air crying jags.
4. I’ll COMPLETELY venture into the full throes of menopause and stop all this monthly menstruation nonsense. Besides, when it comes to feminine protection, I find that there are too many strings attached . (Anyone? Anyone???)
5. I’ll make every effort to be less racist over the next decade. Residents of the Seychelles will no longer be the butt of my ethnic cleansing rants.
6. I’ll contact a well-built priest and start exorcising more.
7. I’ll spend more time with family. Whose family has yet to be determined.
8. I’ll stop sending naked pictures to Casey Kasem, Ernest Borgnine and to the family of the late Lloyd Bridges.
9. I will no longer try to convince my male friends that strippers actually love them.
10. I will feel better about myself by focusing on the faults of others.
11. I’ll be unflinching in my fight to urge hot-shot film director, James Cameron to seriously rethink my concept of “Family Fued–The Movie”. Richard Dawson so desperately NEEDS a new star vehicle.
12. I will start writing adult oriented poetry. If only I could think of words that rhyme with Nantucket, runt, rock, stick and Brother Tucker.
13. I will do my part to stop the transmission of inter-species diseases and the number one STD among crabs—clawmydia. (Yeah, I know I could’ve used the word “clams” to have made the joke work to an even more phonetic degree, but really…wouldn’t that have been too easy???)
15. And finally, the last thing I will most definitely accomplish in 2010? Well, I have four words for you: Mrs. Laurie Kendrick Clooney