“It IS A Wonderful Life, Right?” Version 2010

“I owe everything to Laurie Kendrick. Please be with her, Dear Lord.”

“Laurie is a nice gal, God. Give her a break.”

“Please take care of my friend, LK. She never thinks of herself and that’s why she’s in trouble now.”


God: Hello Joseph. Trouble?

Joseph: Yes. Looks like we’ll have to send someone down. A lot of people are asking for help for Laurie Kendrick.

God: Ah yes, it’s her crucial time. We’ll need to send someone down immediately. Who’s turn is it?

Joseph: That’s why I came to see you, Sir. It’s that little angel. The nasty, vulgar one named Clarence–that clockmaker.  He refuses to wear clothes and has that incessant rectal itch.   We make him sit on his halo so none of us will get that funk.

Clarence (arrives on screen  looking like a nebulous white tumor or bloodclot to the lullaby, “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star”) : You sent for me, sir?

Joseph: Hello Clarence. I know you’ve been waiting a while to get your real wings.

Clarence: Yes, people are talking. These cotton pieces of shit are fine for half-ass angels in training, but I want the real things. You know, them gossamer sumbitches and I have been waiting almost 300 years.  What the fuck is that all about, huh?

Joseph: Perhaps then Clarence, you can help this Earth woman.  She’s about to commit the biggest sin of all.

Clarence: You mean she’s going to take her own life?

Joseph: No, worse. She’s going to try to cook Christmas Eve dinner for her incredibly dysfunctional family at precisely 7:45 tonight Earth time.

Clarence: Then I better hurry. Can I assume then Joseph, that if I can assist this crazy ass bitch in successfully cooking Christmas Eve dinner for the ingrates that comprise her family, I’ll finally get my wings?

Joseph: Yes, you foul mouthed little troll…..yes, you will.

5:30 pm CHRISTMAS EVE:

Laurie is out of work and has been since Halloween of 2008.  She never married; she’s a homely spinster who looks like Donna Reed in a George Bailey fantasy of what life would’ve been like had he never been born.

The resemblance to the actress once known as Donna Stone, wife of a doctor and mom to Jeff and Mary, who would one day record “Johnny Angel” and be married parenthetically to coach, Craig T. Nelson,  is uncanny.   In fact,  she could also use a decent lip wax not unlike Mary all homely’d out as the dowdy, spinster Pottersville Librarian.

donna-reed

And because she’s been unemployed for so long, Laurie can’t afford to buy the items needed to prepare the Kendrick family Christmas Eve dinner.  Even if she could, her culinary talents are so lacking.

If circumstances weren’t bad enough, her kitchen is filthy.   Stalks of corn and unidentifiable flora grow in the dirty corners of the floor.  And if that wasn’t bad enough,  Laurie’s baby sister, LuLu desperately wants  Santa Claus  to bring her a bicycle for Christmas.   But this year, she’d have to be told once again, that Santa couldn’t find “Loserville” on his sleigh’s GPS.   Sadly, there wasn’t enough money or time to buy one for this sweet but very ill and crippled little girl, who because of severe Penis Envy issues, everyone calls “Tiny Tim”.

And yes, all of these negatives; these stumbling blocks persist in spite of Angel Second Class Clarence’s help.  He wanted to  intervene by showing her what that night would be like if the Kendrick family had somewhere else to go.  If so, they’d realize that they’d be far more sober and sated in terms of a festive Christmas meal, but Laurie will have none of this.  She’s hell bent on feeding her family, even with no money and with her kitchen in need of a visit by the World Health Organization, the CDC and a priest .

As every second passes,  the Kendrick family gets hungrier and drunker and Clarence sees yet another opportunity to get his wings slip through his fingertips.  He knows that to accomplish dinner, he must supplement Laurie’s income, but how?   He does the only thing he knows to do and that’s contacting Heaven’s gatekeeper and patron of children’s aspirin, St. Joseph, who suggests rolling drunks.    Then suddenly,  a miracle of miracles  occurs.

LK’s friend, taxi cab  driver and Dobie Gillis’  TV father, “Mr. G”,  Ernie arrives with a telegram in hand.  He enthusiastically reads the following to the gathering crowd:

Mr. Gower cabled you need cash– stop.
My office instructed to advance you up to twenty-five thousand dollars– stop.
Hee Haw and Merry Christmas!
Sam Wainwright.

No one has a clue as to who Sam Wainwright is, much less  Mr. Gower, but with the OK to advance LK 25-grand, a glorious Kendrick family Christmas  meal is all but a reality.

So, Clarence gave LK a little hit of some Angel Dust and that, plus the spirit of the season and motivated her to clean her kitchen, do all the shopping, the  cooking,  all in the 34 minutse left before all the stores closed.

And when the flurried, frenzy was over….a sumptuous Kendrick Family Christmas Eve meal!!!

The photo below shows Aunt Sissy Louise  Dawn Anna Roselyn in the flattering vertical striped sweater and her husband, Big Dave is talking to their youngin’, Dale “Skeeter” Earnhart Kendrick.

The family just calls him Joyce.

white-trash-christmas

Nothing says “festive Christmas meal” better than paper plates, cans of beer, Styrofoam cups, turkey pieces seeped in brownish water, hamburger buns with ketchup, a hastily thrown together salad,  something kinda yellowish in color and all mashed up in an amber Pyrex bowl.

After the family feed, everyone gathered round  the tree to sing Christmas carols.   Uncle Bobby excused himself to take his annual post-holiday meal dump while  inappropriate toucher and “jail boid”, Uncle Billy held a very nervous and uncomfortable Little Laurie in his arms.

laurie-holiday

Then, they heard  “a tinkle”.    And no, not Uncle Bob’s post fecal wiz/slash.

This was sound of an ornament on the tree.  That’s when Little Laurie told her way too touchy/feely Uncle Billy that her  teacher taught her class the old world belief that every time Tim Tebow gets his bell rung,  an angel gets his wings.

Just then, the entire family noticed a copy of the script from the epic movie,  “Birth Of A Nation” under the tree.   Megan’s Law uber violater, Uncle Bob picked it up and Little Laurie clumsily opened to the forward written by Norman Mailer.

Beneath that, what did the Family Kendrick spy?

A handwritten note from Clarence announcing he was now flyin’ high.

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“Atta boy, Clarence!”

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clarence1

Just then, Little Laurie felt something protruding from Uncle Billy’s coat.    She started screaming and well, the entire family was alarmed since everyone knew Uncle Billy was such a perv.   So, Nick from Mr. Martini’s bar tackled him and gave him the once over only to discover that nestled in a pocket of his coat, wasn’t anything revoltingly phallic at all…

It was LuLu’s pedals!!

Aw, when no one was looking Uncle Billy copped some of the money sent from Sam Wainwright (whoever that is) and sneaked out to buy LuLu a bike for Christmas.  Santa WOULD find Loserville this year afterall!!!

Apparently, this sweet ol’ pedophile was in the middle of putting  the bike together when the opportunity to hold a small child distracted him from his efforts.

It was indeed a time to celebrate.

The entire Kendrick knew this was a special moment that only rarely comes about.  It was time to  be happy and rejoice.    So, they held hands and smiled.   Then they all  drank some of Mr. Martini’s wine while Little Laurie latched on to one of her favorite  juice boxes.  She loves the flavor that is Red.

That was followed by happy family fellowship and a very rousing  lively rendition of Auld Lang Syn, complete with full orchestra accompaniment and Hollywood backup singers, composed of women, a few baritones and several members of  Castrati,  Local #39571.

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…………………………… ………..  .………………THE END

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