Human Resources HELL!!!!!!!!!!

 

Company Memo
FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:         All Employees

DATE:    December 10,  2009

RE:         Gala Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House, at 2397 Washoe Circle.. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!  So, please join us in a glass of good cheer! 

We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets.  This gathering is only for the employers of Roscoe Redwood, Inc.

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty


Company Memo

FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:         All Employees

DATE:    December 10, 2009

RE:         Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that  Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.  However, from now on,  we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.”  The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day and Kwaanza.   There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.  We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

So on that note, Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty


Company Memo

FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:        All Employees

DATE:   December 10,  2009

RE:          Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name..  I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that  reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy and I mean that in terms of being a little cheap.  That  wasn’t a swipe at the Jews.. Serioiusly, it wasn’t.  Forget I even used the term chintzy.

SO REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
 


Company Memo

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To:        All Employees

DATE:   December 10, 2009

RE:        Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are!  For starters, I’m sorry for offending the Muslims on our staff by using a Yiddish terms in an earlier memo.   I knew things were that bad in Gaza but  here in Toledo??? 

 Also, I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.  There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. And I’ll insist that NO PORK  can be be found anywhere near the dining room.

 Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.

We’ll have booster seats for short people and low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

Socially conscious Democrats can can eat scraps and leftovers if that makes them feel better and Republicans can quietly say a blessing to themselves before they eat if they’d like.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food .  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste the food first.

There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

I’m sure you’ll let me know if I have.

Patty


Company Memo

FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:         All Fucking Assholes Also Known as Employees

DATE:    December 10, 2009

RE:         The Fucking Holiday Party

Hey Dipshits,

You all make me sick.  You do.   SICK!   And I’ve had it with you vegetarian asshole pricks!!!  We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your fucking salad bar, including goddamned organic tomatoes.  But you DO know, tomatoes have feelings, too, don’t you?   Oh yes, they do.  They scream when you slice them.  Didn’t know that did you, walking nutsacks???  Well,  I’ve heard them scream.  In fact, they screaming right NOW!     

The rest of you fucking weirdos can kiss my  meat eating, alcchol-swilling, Muslim hating, Pro-Zionist, salt-licking,  Conservative voting, heterosexual  ass!!!  I hope you all have a holiday so rotten  that your balls rot off and your ovaries sprout fucking horns!

One more thing;  For God’s sake, drive drunk and die. 

With hate,

The Crazed Bitch from Hell!!!

Eat me!!!!!!!


Company Memo

FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE:   December 13, 2009

RE:        Patty Lewis’ Illness and the Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her family.   Hosptial officials have yet to establish visiting hours for her, as she’s still heavily medicated and in restraints 24/7.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party altogether and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Enjoy your December vacations!

Joan

.

4 comments

  1. I find it disturbing as well as disgusting that, we the people, cannot have a holiday or a party not to mention a greeting without some group complaining of discrimination etc. Get real. It it offends your beliefs, stay the heck home or keep your child home. Life does go on whether or not you are present. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

    I guess freedom is just for your particular group. Right

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