Three Funerals And An Awakening

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It has been a very auspicious four days. 

In that short amount of time, I said goodbye  to three relationships.

I woke up this morning and realized that I’d just metaphorically buried one life-long relationship;  one 38-year-attachment that has in many ways, plagued me all of my adult life and one peripheral “friendshipship” that was as dysfunctional as it was brief.  

THE CAST OF CHARACTERS:  One family member; one old boyfriend and one new friend, three entities that comprise the trifecta of relationships.  I’m nothing if not thorough.

What I’m about to convey defies Biblical tenet, but I don’t believe one can completely honor thy father and mother.   Sorry Moses, but if there is cruelty and abuse, you must severe ties.   I did that and am quite comfortable in the choice I made.   In many ways, this person had been dead to me for a number of years, but he did something a few days ago that forced me to throw the last clump of dirt on his grave.

There is now finality.

That was Burial #1.

And old boyfriend who was my first love 38 years ago came back in my life recently and remained there for 29 days.   There were a million reasons why we couldn’t completely reconnect and I won’t bore you with the principle reasons, but I can tell you that it became obvious to me at least, that we’d grown up differently.   I know I did.   Talking to him though answered gnawing questions that I’d always wanted to ask.  

I only loved a distant memory, but I allowed it to interfere in many relationships.   First loves are incredible.  They set the bar because you have nothing to guage them against.  After he and I broke up,  I set up every other relationship to fail.  I thought he hung the moon and the stars only to realize that I forced myself to believe that in order to cover up my fear of committment and failure.  

In some ways, I never wanted to reconnect because I knew the man he had become was inconsequential.  I never wanted to meet him.  I only wanted to remember the young man he once was.    When we started talking again a few weeks ago, this became etched in stone.  Plus, the woman I had become made me realize that we had grown apart on so many levels.  I came from a diferent world.

But, people change and so do the circumstances of love.  The time; the place…everything really has to align just right.   There is even perfect alignment when things end, too.    And this relationship finally ended.

Closure.   The neat, tying up of loose ends…. forever.  

Emotional ashes to emotional ashes.

Farewell, my love.

This was  Burial #2.

I met her a mere five months ago.   We became friends despite the fact that we had little in common and eight years separated us in age.   We defied our our differences and tried to be friends, but things became  toxic and problematic and I stayed in the friendship longer than I should have.   Nothing was conducive to remaining friends.   She isn’t a bad person; neither am I.  We were just no good together.

Platonic dust to platonic dust.

Burial #3.

These were three very vital goodbyes, each pivotal to forward progression.  My forward progression.   Even so, I also awoke this morning to a somber day.   Solemn in mood and feel, but necessary.  I have no regrets, but I’m not happy about what happened either.   As I said, endings hurt, but despite the natural and appropriate sadness I feel, there’s an underlying sense of rightness to what I’ve done.

All of this, while right, is also confusing.   I used to have an idea of where I was going in life.   I don’t right now.  I’ve not a clue actually, but for the first time in my life, I have a real sense of where I’ve been and there’s a solidity to my past that never existed before.    No lingering questions–the welcomed absence of the painful and inevitable  “What if?” query;  nothing left unresolved.    I experienced everything and saw the door both swing open and then slam shut.   I got to witness the alpha and the omega.

Mercifully, I have closure and it’s wonderfully emphatic in its permanence.

Thank God.

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Onward.

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3 comments

  1. Incisive and painful commentary; wounds so fresh they are still raw, tender, and sensitive to the touch. Here’s to the future.

  2. After experiencing this weekend with you and all that happened, I’m at a loss of words of incouragement or sympathy. Besides, I’ve never been good at that sort of thing. People can try to say the things that they think will help but afterall they’re just words. I have a hard time with that, but that’s just me.

    All I’ll say is you’re my sister and you’re loved dearly and I want all the best for you in this hard, unfair world. It was your turn to be happy and Kathy and I wanted this so badly for you.

    As far as the other thing that happened, big deal. It was in some ways, a set up that I actually saw coming but put myself in harm’s way anyway. Now I know and that menas we’re all on the same level with this whole mess. I won’t look back. Choices in life are sometime painful to make but sometime they’re the right ones.

    As you say, onward.

  3. Interesting. You are so introspective about interpersonal relationships. I hope this helps you truly move onward. For some, it can cause lingering in the past.

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