1. Open up a can of beans and get my cat, Charlotte all excited. She thinks all can opener sounds end in her getting to lick an empty can of tuna. I love it when she runs into the kitchen from God knows where, only to get a full on nose hit of green beans. She skulks away to the sullen sounding, “Charlie Brown Christmas Time Is Here Tune Which Will Play Underneath As I Walk Away In Utter Head Down Dejection and Disappointment” song.
She does this right after she sternly questions me about what I’ve done with the boiled ova she so loves.
2. Cuss the existence of a particular ex. I wish to fell him with an acute case of testicular torsion before coming to my senses and deciding to behave with far more benevolence.
I then wish him a mild case of Ebola, instead.
3. Look for a job. Fill out an application for a proctologist’s position at a local hospital just for ass grins.
4. Weep incessantly after lunch.
5. Make a pie…only because shit’s ruff nowadays, muthuh fuckuh.
6. Make my bed. Which means folding some of the laundry under which I’ve been sleeping for the past several nights.
7. Take off last week’s make-up. If make-up remover doesn’t work, resort to C-4 and other forms of incendiary Plastique.
8. Shave the word “welcome” on the shin of my left leg.
9. Look down at the compilation of death and contagion growing in and around my bathtub drain. Notice the copious amounts of hair; then become keenly aware of how completely Greek it looks. Mistakenly think it just offered to make you a Gyro.
10. Doodle the name of current paramour on a check. Briefly consider cashing it.
11. Tear up check, then look up the actual definition of paramour.
12. Find Angelina Jolie’s picture in a magazine and draw on it a moustache, eye patch, a few scars, devil horns and two excessively long upper canines.
13. Think about Queen Elizabeth’s toilet doin’s. Yuk. Taste a little ‘throw up’ in my mouth when I do.
14. Think about the obvious deal Dane Cook had to have made with Satan in order to get as far as this extremely unfunny asshole has gotten.
15. Listen to vintage 60’s videos on You Tube, eat a sugar cube, wait for the light show that never comes, but still question everyone over 30.
16. Call someone and mind fuck them. Gaslight their ass by INSISTING Pink Floyd always called “Pink Freud”.
17. Fart, then call a local talk show and ask host why it burned.
18. Remove the sheets from bed and with a Magic Marker, connect all the stains linearly with the hopes of producing an image of the Liberty Bell or Cassiopeia or a No Diving emblem.
19. Insist on believing that David Cassidy never responded to any of my fan mail decades ago becuase he was gay…GAYER THAN ASS!!!!
20. Watch reruns of “The Beverly Hillbillies” on TV Land and firmly believe that Nancy Culp, TV”s “Miss Jane” was probably a very nice fellow.