This morning, I woke up and heard a bird singing in the tree outside my balcony. I stepped out to listen to it. It’s shrill discords echoed in the quiet of the morning. I listened for a while, then picked up a small a log and threw it in the general location of the singing little prick. Today is not for joyous song; today is for dirges.
You see, there is a funeral to attend.
There’s been a death in my family. It wasn’t an accidental death; it was due to self-inflicted belief in something intangible…an ideal. Laurie Kendrick was someone I knew, but admittedly not that well. From what I understand, she was kind and tried to make a difference… in her world, at least. She was smart and funny. Well educated; the pride of some part of Karnes City, Texas. She made people laugh and when she walked in a room people noticed. Heads turned. But oddly, they never noticed when she left.
Today, we bury what’s left of her innocence and her ability to trust.
In other words, we bury her.
Laurie Kendrick was 50. She had no children and she never married, but a few months ago, she felt she had one shot left at finding that elusive brass round thing we all hope to grab hold of. The ring turned out to be zinc and her grip was never secure enough.
There will be no funeral service and no internment. Unhappy endings have no start or finish.
They just end.
She is survived by a cat and a blog.
Actually, band and pep squad, this is my last blog post. I am retiring. I’ve been contemplating quitting for several months now and a recent event has convinced me it was time to go. It won’t be easy, because I loved this little blog, it suddenly stopped being relevant in my life. In fact, I had to come to terms with the fact that it had become a hindrance and ultimately it’s ended up bringing me more heartache than joy. Blogging took over my soul for a while, but not any longer. Sometimes, spinning your wheels and looking at a menu from which you are forbidden to order, just leaves you exhausted and empty. Very, very empty. Yes, I did indeed loved my blog, but it’s also leavning me feeling rather empty. That’s why I find it rather odd now that my one time reason for living is now my reason for leaving.
Heartache was the reason it began; defiance is the reason it is ending. But it won’t kill me. In fact, it’s the reason why I won’t go quietly into the goodnightof post relationship malaise. Business relationships, personal relationships, friendship….all of efforts of human contact. I can talk big now and try to convince us both that I’m fine and in a way, I am. And in a way, I’m angry as hell, but then again, arrears of faith always hurt.
My God, life is so strange. Ifyou listen, Change is audible. It has a crescendo. It gets louder as it approaches and then once it’s made its presence known—-deafening silence. You open your eyes and listen. Reality is harsh. It always sounds like pain.
But enough of that drivel. I’m going out into the world to apply salve all over my life and then, once my wounds have healed, I will endeavor to seek self-actualization and maybe in the process, I’ll discover why my life has been this ridiculous lightning rod for emotional chaos and the intgrusion of goddamned soul crushers hell bent on spreading it.
Then, once I realize my actualized self (the new and improved Teflon coated La Kendrick), perhaps I’ll do a little fishing, learn how to knit, tinker in my workroom, become a Joe Biden groupie. Maybe, I’ll start a one-woman show about the life and times of TV’s Screech from “Saved By The Bell”. Perhaps, I’ll do a little restorative stand-up around the Houston area while searing those in my past who I once thought would be in my future. And the audience will think….”Oh yes, Laurie Kendrick. I remember her. She’s still pissed.??? Wasn’t she once a man???”
Maybe I’ll take some classes at Berkeley and try to grasp the concept of doing nothing for something. Maybe I’ll determine how to find the problem to the answer. Maybe I’ll head east and sit in on Sotomayor’s confirmation hearing and make fart sounds every time someone stands up or bends over.
There’s a chance I might start writing critiques of fine wines and then in a fit of whimzy, I’ll crank e-mail several Napa area vintners and tell them that Mondavi is Italian for swill.
Hopefully, I’ll learn to stop forcing so many issues and trusting so easily. Love is so important to me. But finding it is alot like searching for those intrepid little Lady Bugs. Look for them and you’ll never a single one of them. Forget about them…relax, do something else and they’ll be all over you.
Life’s like that and I guess I’ve been forcing the issue.
Perhpas, this self-imposed blogging free zone will result in my writing a book or two.
God help him, if I do….
So, thank you all for your support. You’ve been great. I think a few of you have been with me from almost the beginning and I am indebted.
You have helped make this one of the most memorable two years of my life. Color me jaded, yes, but educated, too. I will emerge ash covered from this unwitting Phoenician lair, a much stronger woman.
So, onward kiddies. Move forward. Proceed through the blinding dissonance of words, while learning the real, inarguable definition of what hopeful is and what heartache isn’t. Never confuse the two. Never toy with someone’s heart. If you needsomething in your life; to quell boredom or to put texture in your life,, do it by adding kindness, respect and charity.
And remember what I’ve always said about endings: never, ever look back. It will only turn you into a pillar of Mrs. Dash. Hurt feelings yes, but even in the midst of ruined Maybelline, we must always watch our salt intake.