June 2, 2009

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This morning, I woke up and heard a bird singing in the tree outside my balcony.  I stepped out to listen to it.   It’s shrill discords echoed in the quiet of the morning.   I listened for a while, then picked up a small a log and threw it in the general location of the singing little prick.    Today is not for joyous song; today is for dirges.

You see, there is a funeral to attend.    

There’s been a death in my family.  It wasn’t an accidental death; it was due to self-inflicted belief in something intangible…an ideal.    Laurie Kendrick  was someone I knew, but admittedly not that well.  From what I understand, she was kind and tried to make a difference… in her world, at least.  She was smart and funny. Well educated; the pride of some part of Karnes City, Texas.   She made people laugh and when she walked in a room people noticed.  Heads turned.  But oddly, they never noticed when she left.

Today, we bury what’s left of her innocence and her ability to trust.

In other words, we bury her.     

Laurie Kendrick  was 50.  She had no children and she never married, but  a few months ago, she  felt she had one shot left at finding that elusive brass round thing we all hope to grab  hold of.     The ring turned out to be zinc and her grip was never secure enough.

There will be no funeral service and no internment.    Unhappy endings have no start or finish. 

They just end.

She is survived by a cat and a blog.

Actually, band and pep squad, this is my last blog post.  I am retiring.    I’ve been contemplating quitting  for several months now and a recent event has convinced me it was time to go.    It won’t be easy, because I loved this little blog,  it suddenly stopped being relevant in my life.  In fact, I had to come to terms with the fact that it had become a hindrance and ultimately it’s ended up bringing  me more heartache than joy.    Blogging  took over my soul for a while, but not any longer.  Sometimes, spinning your wheels and looking at a menu from which you are forbidden to order,  just leaves you exhausted and empty.   Very, very empty.   Yes, I did indeed loved my blog, but it’s also leavning me feeling rather empty.   That’s why I find it rather odd now that my one time reason for living is now my reason for leaving.

Heartache was the reason it began; defiance is the reason it is ending.   But it won’t kill me.   In fact, it’s the reason why I won’t go quietly into the goodnightof post relationship malaise.   Business relationships, personal relationships, friendship….all of efforts of human contact.  I can talk big now and try to convince us both that I’m fine and in a way, I am.  And in a way, I’m angry as hell, but then again, arrears of faith always hurt. 

My God, life is so strange.   Ifyou listen, Change is audible.  It has a crescendo.   It gets louder as it approaches and then once it’s made its presence known—-deafening silence.    You open your eyes and listen.    Reality is harsh.   It always sounds like pain.

But enough of that drivel.   I’m going out into the world to apply salve all over my life and then, once my wounds have healed, I will endeavor to seek self-actualization and maybe in the process, I’ll discover why my life has been this ridiculous lightning rod for emotional chaos and the intgrusion of goddamned soul crushers hell bent on spreading it.

Then, once I realize my actualized self (the new and improved Teflon coated La Kendrick),  perhaps  I’ll do a little fishing, learn how to knit, tinker in my workroom, become a Joe Biden groupie.  Maybe, I’ll start a one-woman show about the life and times of  TV’s Screech from “Saved By The Bell”.  Perhaps, I’ll do a little restorative stand-up around the Houston area while searing those in my past who I once thought would be in my future.   And the audience will think….”Oh yes, Laurie Kendrick.  I remember her. She’s still pissed.???  Wasn’t she once a man???”  

Maybe I’ll take some classes at Berkeley and try to grasp the concept of doing nothing for something.  Maybe I’ll determine how to find the problem to the answer.   Maybe I’ll head east and sit in on Sotomayor’s confirmation hearing and make fart sounds every time someone stands up or bends over.    

There’s a chance I might start writing critiques of  fine wines and then in a fit of whimzy, I’ll crank e-mail several Napa area vintners and tell them that Mondavi is Italian for swill. 

Hopefully, I’ll learn to stop forcing so many issues and trusting so easily.  Love is so important to me.  But finding it is alot like searching for those intrepid little Lady Bugs.   Look for them and you’ll never a single one of them.   Forget about them…relax, do something else and they’ll be all over you.

Life’s like that and I guess I’ve been forcing the issue.

Perhpas, this self-imposed blogging free zone will result in my writing a book  or two. 

God help him, if I do….

So, thank you all for your support. You’ve been great. I think a few of you have been with me from almost the beginning and I am indebted.  

You have helped make this one of the most memorable two years of my life.   Color me jaded, yes, but educated, too.    I will emerge ash covered from this unwitting Phoenician lair, a much stronger woman.   

So, onward kiddies.  Move forward.   Proceed through the blinding dissonance of  words, while learning the real, inarguable definition of what hopeful is and what heartache isn’t.    Never confuse the two.  Never toy with someone’s heart.   If you needsomething in your life; to quell boredom or to put  texture in your life,, do it by adding kindness, respect and charity.

And remember what I’ve always said about endings:   never, ever look back.   It will only turn you into a pillar of Mrs. Dash.   Hurt feelings yes, but  even in the midst of ruined Maybelline, we must always watch our salt intake.

LK

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35 comments

  1. Damn! You’re leaving? And I’ve only just discovered you today! Darn. I, too, am a fifty-something, living in San Francisco, shifting career gears. Oh well, I’ll amuse myself by reading your archives. Good luck!

  2. All the best, Laurie–since finding out about you, I doubt that I’ve missed more than a few of your posts–and I want you to know that I will miss you a lot.

  3. You chose the wrong day to retire damn you. I, like Caitlin, just discovered you today. Oh well. Best of luck.

  4. Say it ain’t so! I really enjoyed your writings, particularly the ones about that little South Texas town we used to call home. Good luck to you, Laurie.

  5. I would ask that you not stop your blog. Reasoning, and I’ve said it before: You are a professional writer. A blog – and it isn’t a reason for being or a justification of who you are – is only a method of exercise for professionals such as yourself. Use it to try a new voice. Even if one did choose to look at it professionally, it does put your voice out there to be read.

    Please reconsider. I am a yellow-dog democrat, and really enjoy your musings, political and otherwise.

  6. Hey Laur –

    Lissen up, hon: the guy was a jerk. Lots of guys are jerks. But know what? Lots more aren’t. I know this because the human race manages to reproduce and even thrive; if all men were jerks, women would still be making them sleep in the dog’s cave.

    But it would be insulting to you to assume that this is all about the pain that one idiot put you through. I’m sure it’s also about a mid-life crisis, and the fact that you’re catching up to me, age-wise. As one of the great unwashed who has been with you since near the beginning, I can see that you have sometimes used this blog to reaffirm that you are a real person, someone who has thoughts, feelings, and once in a while, even a sense of humor. Keep that in mind while you go off chasing those ladybugs.

    xoxox

    .

    Thanks Tom,

    This closure is more about a woman than it is a man….it’s about me. This is a particularly bad time in my life. I’m still unemployed and 50 and like everyone else, I’m being hit from all different directions from these metaphoric high speed particles in space, but here on Earth it’s a bill to pay this, a phone call demanding that you owe that and a someone from behind a desk insisting that “we need this in full before the 15th”. It’s no different than the battering the space shuttle takes upon re-entry.

    So yes, I am as you say, experiencing the consummate mid-life crisis, personally and professionally, and I have no idea where I’m going and where I’ve been is even starting to get blurry

    The man mentioned here was excised from my life in late October. What happened lately concerned him, but I’m not ceasing blogging because of a misanthrope, for the love of God!!

    This too shall pass as everything does, but this feeling of stagnancy is overwhelming. That’s what I need to correct. Knowing me, my ego and my need for me to write, I’ll probably be back, but on a different blog; under an alias. That way I can name names and be specific about tiny little body parts dangling from all the men who’ve crushed my soul.

    LK

  7. I hope you will reconsider. This is my first visit, and I find your writing wonderful (not to mention superb)!

  8. Bon Voyage, Sweet Pea. Take care and keep in touch. And anytime you want to channel your lovable, hysterically funny sense of humor into entertaining comments over at my blog, just pull up a chair and set a spell. I’m sure we can find somebody to talk about!

    And as far as the many men and their hurtful ways, just order a crate of tweezers from Oriental Trading and pass them out like party favors. Men are scum, most of the time.

    XOXOXO, Obi’s Sister (Ginny)

  9. Not to open old wounds but Nate hit the nail on the head! Nate, you reading this?

  10. Karol, I didn’t think of that but you are right.

    Laurie hang in there. I know it’s painful, but this too shall pass. You have to do what is best for Laurie and no one else. I am just glad I have you back in MY life. I am here for you.

    Why Alex? Why?

  11. I knew this day was coming. I’ve known for a long time. I am not at all happy about it but I understand that you have your reasons for doing this. I want you to find the path of least resistance to whatever makes you content. I really, really want that for you. I’m going to miss this. Thanks for all of it.

  12. Laurie,
    1. Please don’t go!

    2. Drop me a line if you do start blogging under another name. I love your writing.

    3. Please don’t go!

    4. Wish I could have seen your version of my “Classmates” series.

    5. Please don’t go!

    6. I’ve spent the last few hours looking at my X’s facebook page. Been divorced 32 years and it still hurts. Still hurts knowing that the baby (now a man) wasn’t mine.

    7. Please don’t go!

    Good luck to you. You are a very intelligent and tallented woman. I hope you find what you are looking for.

    Kev.

    P.S. Please don’t go!

  13. I’ve got some more things to say to PM. You fooled all of us, especially my sister. You were the spider and Laurie was the fly. How can you sleep at night fully knowing you treat someone as low down as you’ve treated her. She confined in you her past and you treat her like this? NO ONE deserves that, PM. I really pity your fiancee because you’ve lied to my sister the past two plus years, then you’ll lie to her. Hmm. Maybe she should know what you’ve been doing????????

    Happy life, PM.

    PS The hill country is better off with you not being here!!!!!!

    Love,
    Karol

  14. “we pass here but once” is the best news I’v heard all fucking day. I have so enjoyed your column, Laurie, and I know it’s like all blah-blah-blah “life will get better.” Rather than spout some sapish, trite bollocks, I leave you with the words of “One great, great broad..”*
    Your own fellow Texan, Janis Joplin whose poster in all her feathered glory graced my bedroom wall for about 30 seconds in 1968. She says, “Don’t take no shit from nobody. Tell ’em all to fuck off.”
    I’m in your shoes only in Indiana, so I think we need to meet in the middle. It’s okay to cry and not be Chuckles-the-Fucking-Clown, Happy Laurie all the damm time, because it is hard to laugh when life pokes a big stick up your ass. You’re a brave woman who has many admirers.
    Peace out,
    nancielizabeth

    *Bill Graham at the Filmore West. I THINK that’s what he said anyway. Boy, his head sure looked weird.

  15. Smacktle, what made you say that? I think you came onto Laurie’s blog to start some last effort shit tonight. I don’t think it’s going to happen and right now nobody cares what you think.

  16. Smacktle, it’s a good thing that all of us respect Laurie enough not to tell you what we really think of you and your comment. Otherwise, I would have said that you were a dickbrainjerkfucksonofabitchmotherfuckingassholelickingjackoffmonkeyfuckingdogshiteatingwasteofskin. But I think too much of Laurie to tell you that.

    As far as too many bloggers, there’s only 1 too many bloggers, and you’re it.

    And riddance……..I got your riddance right here! Riddance on this here one time.

    There’s nothing wrong with you that a Chicago Overcoat couldn’t cure!

    Kev.

    P.S. Have a nice day!

  17. Kev-I’m sorry about your #6 above. My heart goes out to you. I can’t imagine what you went through. I hope you started a new life with someone else and had your own children.

  18. Karol
    Thank you very much for your kind words. I really appreciate them.

    I really would like to have started a new life with someone else and had kids, but it didn’t work out. I dated around for a while and kept getting burned, so I guess I just gave up.

    When I was married, I took my vows very very seriously. She, on the other hand, did not. I think that caused some trust issues (sounds familiar?).

    I just hope LK doesn’t have to go through some of the same stuff I went through. After a while it takes a toll on a person.

    I think if we all keep a postitive thought for her, she’ll be alright. That’s what I pray for, anyway.

    Kev

  19. We all want Laurie to be happy. She’s paid her dues and it’s her turn whether it’s in Houston or someplace else. She’s a fighter and no matter what the circumstances are she’ll just get stronger from it.

    I thought old Alex was going to be my brother-in-law someday. I liked the guy, once. Terrible shame. Now he won’t be connected with the Sisters Kendrick anymore. Sorry, lil sis for what’s he put you through. Wish Kathy and I could get a hold of him!

  20. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I will SO MISS UR THOUGHTS ON LIFE! CRAP! WORDS cannot say how I want the very best for my friend Laurie. LUV AND HUGS, Forever, Barb :O(

  21. Well I am very sorry to hear that LK. Your blog has been consistently fun to read, even when you got all dark.

    I understand your decision, wish it wasn’t true, hope that you find your way out of whatever gloom that’s dogging you, and beseech you to NOT DELETE the wonderful work you have done on our blessed internet.

    I woulda thrown something at the fucking tweety bird too.

    Take care of yourself blog friend.

  22. Thanks, Laurie, for brightening my days with a little laughter. All the best.

  23. First the Revolutionary War, then Coldplay, now this. Where will British tyranny end?

    You can’t stay away, LK. Come be anonymous with the rest of us at 6MB. We’re the blog where guestbloggers come to not blog. You’d fit right in.

  24. I recently saw a link to this blog at GM’s place. I read a lot of the stuff here, despite the lack of spellcheck action, its a helluva interesting and personal and funny blog. Wish I’d seen it sooner. What’s the deal with that Siggy/PM/Alex guy? Trying to schtoop everyone? Really? Did Laurie ever meet the guy in person? or was it just a cyber thing? Were they ever really engaged, or was that just talk? I had not heard bad things about him before but, it sounds like his fiance needs a heads up as Karol noted above. Anyone know the unlucky broad?

    Keep at it Laurie. Sounds like he was looking for something different. Maybe the fiance wants kids or something. Who knows why men say and do the things they do.

    .

  25. Thanks, Laurie. All sounds really ugly. The fiance has a DAUGHTER? Pretty sick of him to go after a woman with a kid. Since you’re talking about him so freely, why aren’t folks flooding the “newest victim” / fiance with email? I would think folks would forward a link to her, right here, to your site. You should email her, or have someone forward his daily missives to you sent her way. As a woman, I think the sisterhood should do this woman a service. Are you still in love with this guy? Have you ever met him in person? or do I understand correctly that he never quite “gets there.” Maybe he’s impotent.

    Someone hand me a pitchfork. Really a shame, the whole thing. Best of luck to you. Be sure to shoot me an email when you resurrect your writing.

  26. Alex had everyone fooled. In the past, I spoke to him a couple of times on the phone and he sounded charming and his English accent was beautiful. Or was he faking that? Someone with a narcisstic personality is like that-charming, sweet, promises the moon then WHAM! he stabs you, almost killing you.

    Laurie wanted out many months ago but the man wouldn’t leave her alone-from what I hear, he still tries to call her-says he doesn’t want her out of his life. Here’s a man that’s engaged to be married in the fall and he doesn’t want Laurie out of his life???? So what’s wrong with this picture? I pity whats-her-name. She’s in for a life of shaky ground if she marries Alex.

    Glad it’s not me!!!!!

  27. Wow, Karol. Just wow. May I reiterate: someone with real info ought to contact that woman if they know her. This guy takes it to an all new level of weird. He shouldn’t be having any contact with an old flame if he’s planning to marry another woman. Sounds like he’s more than a malignant narcisisst to me. Looked him up, he’s a part of the “Sanity Squad?” WTF. I wonder if the rest of the Squad people know what the real deal is.

    I don’t understand why Laurie keeps up any correspondence with him. She should add him to the blocked email list, change her number, and move on. Because if he screwed her more than once, he’ll keep doing it because as long as he has access he can. Some men are very strange. So are some women. This Alex guy takes the cake, though.

    Maybe folks should put together a website or open-thread somewhere? Email the blog women he’s supposedly strug along and out him. He sounds like a predator.

    As for the woman he marries, I feel for her too. Does she know any of his history? How many lies has he told her? I once had a dirty, rotten, scoundrel of a husband. I left when he cheated with a woman he met on the internet. This Alex guy sounds like his twin. Very, very shameful indeed. The big question I have is, what if the fiance already knows what a jerk he is? Maybe she just doesn’t believe? We women are prone to denial.

    Like I said, whole thing is just a damn shame. Sad for Laurie. Sad for the fiance. Nothing but contempt for this serial exploiter.

  28. We liked Alex. He lured Laurie’s family into his web of conceit. He charmed us and we really felt like he would fit into our family nicely. Bad shame. As for his fiancee, I don’t know if she knows about Laurie-actually she should by now. I really pity her, also, especially if she is in denial.

  29. Karol,

    I feel for you too. How much time did he put in with Laurie? Did he ever come to meet her in person? My husband left and he had not even met the woman yet. Just a lot of phone calls and emails. Phone calls on a cell I did not know he had and an email that I did not know he had. It was shocking at the time. Your family must be horrified. If I may, if it was last October when he was out of her life, what happened recently that brought him back on the scene?

    Who is the fiancee? Is she a blogger too? I just feel for her and her daughter. What a tragedy for the kid.

    Such a lowdown dirty shame. I will pray for Laurie’s swift healing.
    .

    You are kind, Constance, thank you. I’m fine. I’m going out. Met a great guy last Friday, in fact. If I grapple with anything, it’s shame. I fell for this and spent a lot of time in the process of falling. I always thought I was smarter.

    In recent days, I have been bombarded by e-mails about this guy. I am amazed at what I am learning. I think this will make one hell of a book. It’ll certainly have a hell of an ending.

    I’m sorry for what you went through. You’re story, like mine wound me. They’re all so goddamned familiar. The Internet while being something we can’t live without, is also a dangerous place for so many reasons. I’d hate men after so many arrears of faith in love and relationships, but my heterosexuality compels me to keep on keeping on, which I’m making every effort to do.

    You sound strong; certainly wizened. Good for you. I’m getting there.

    LK

  30. Laurie,

    Good for you, getting back out there is important. I remarried last year to a man who is dedicated to truth and honesty. There are very good men out there. I anticipate your book will be a barn burner. Purge his toxins from your soul. Men like that love to circle back around, test the waters with something innocuous, then wait until you fall back in the old pattern. Predators do the wonded-bird routine well. Be careful.

    To Karol,

    If I knew who she was, I would send her a link here. Let her read this exchange. Let her read Laurie’s words. I bet she’d recognize things and even though it would hurt her to see the truth in black and white, she might question if Ol Alex was worth marrying. If she’s anything like Laurie, I bet a lot of men would be happy to have her.

    Info,

    Right on with dontdatethisguy.com. I read some of the Sanity Squad stuff. While I am not a big fan of radical Islam, it looks like no matter the topic, they relate everything back to Islam. For a bunch of hypereducated people, they aren’t terribly inventive. I think someone should look through Laurie’s website, find every comment posted by PM/Siggy/Alex and send it via pdf to the fiancee. I wonder if he uses the same MO every time. The thing about liars: they tell almost the same lies every time. They just improve on their last lie a little.

    All,

    I’ll keep checking back here. Take care.

  31. Again, I say, Nate how did you know about this guy???? I would guess that a huge apology would be in order here, at least from me.

    Take care of yourself, Nate.

  32. Laurie,
    I’m so sorry that you’re discontinuing your blog. I dropped by to read it every now and then. I hope that things look up for you on all fronts very soon.

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