I would like to believe that people come to my blog for a myriad of reasons. I hope their primary reason would be because they want to laugh, to emote. But lately, there are those who have come here to call me a political idiot, completely unfunny, a “Dennis Miller Wannabe”. They question my IQ, my genetic coding, call me a hack and so forth.
It is for this reason, that I often peruse the search engine terms on the administrative portion of my blog, just to see how visitors arrive in order to read my vainglorious, but yawn inducing fest of prolix.
Dennis Millerish? Hardly. He’s been writing like me for years!
Despite that fact, I get the strangest search terms tha tbring people to my blog:
- A lesbian reach around (???)
- exposed frozen cat nipples
- lewd behavior/HS principal
- crotch conquest
- corn and your rectum
That’s just to name a few.
I also get plenty of emails from people curious about a lot of things. Why they ask me, I’ve yet to determine. I’m just an unemployed journalist who blithers almost daily on a blog. Nevertheless, I get asked about writing, quantum physics, astronomy, entomology, psychotropic drugs, emotional pathologies, child rearing, stained glass making, crocheting, nuclear fusion and of course, the inner workings of the excretory systems of mammals, reptiles, rodents and someone’s 84 year-old Uncle Sherman. The questions literally run the gamut.
In fact, a Mr. Richard Feder from Ft. Lee, New Jersey recently wrote in and asked,
Why is bird doo doo white?
A Mr. Richard Feder
Ft. Lee, New Jersey”
Well Richard, thank you for your query. Let me preface this response with the following: I am not, nor have I ever been a veterinarian, nor am I an ornithologist….hell, I don’t even like raisins, but I will try to answer your question to the best of my limited ability.
Bird caca is chalky-white because it consists of this chalky-white paste which the White Coats call urate. Urate is made of uric-acid crystals which are a by-product of bird kidneys. What you actually see is the color of the whitish crystals. Now, within the urate is a chunk of stool–doo doo, caca, poo-poo, Number 2, fudge, a pinched nasty. a chocolate Linsday Lohan. This piece is usually hard and tube looking, and gets its color from the bird’s diet.
Bird feces is also an good indicator of the bird’s health. That’s one of the first things veterinarians look for. You see, checking doodie is their duty. Fecal hues range from greenish for birds who eat plant seeds and green vegetables, brownish for brown birdseed, and even a reddish color for those birds who eat strawberries.
For shrimp-eating seabirds, it’s pink!
Then, that can ONLY meen that the poop of the birds that feasted on Tippi Heddrin’s hair in “The Birds”, must be the color of Miss Clairol Morning Mist Blond Shade #4A???
To top it all off, bird poop contains a tiny sprinkle of urine. Why only a sprinkle, you ask? “Aside from the ostrich, birds don’t have bladders and can’t carry a lot of water around. They’d be too heavy to fly
and that’s why ostriches can’t fly”, explains one bird brain at small college in Florida.
As mentioned above, caca color can indicate a myriad of things, including poor health. Abnormal colors like red urine and urate may be signs of internal bleeding (other than a diet of red berries). Brown tinged urate may also signal lead poisoning, and green or yellow urate may mean liver disease.
This colorful spectrum could also be an indicator of poor health in humans.
So, the next time you “shit a rainbow”, I suggest you seek medical attention immediately.
Well, there you have it. I guess this could be the first in a series of posts I’ll call “Ask Laurie”. Therefore, if you have a question that you’re just too damn lazy to Google or inquire at Ask.com yourself, send it to me via e-mail and I’ll make every effort to copy and paste the answer from somewhere and then make a joke out of it. Be my first victim(s), won’t you?
I can be reached at laurie industries at gmail dot com.