Ask & Ye Shall Receive


I would like to believe that people come to my blog for a myriad of reasons.   I hope their primary reason would be because they want to laugh, to emote.  But lately, there are those who have come here to call me a political idiot, completely unfunny, a “Dennis Miller Wannabe”.   They question my IQ, my genetic coding, call me a hack and so forth.   

It is for this reason, that I often peruse the search engine terms on the administrative portion of my blog, just to see how visitors arrive in order to read my vainglorious, but yawn inducing fest of  prolix.   

Dennis Millerish?   Hardly.  He’s been writing like me for years!

Despite that fact, I get the strangest search terms tha tbring people to my blog:

  • A lesbian reach around (???)
  • exposed frozen cat nipples
  • lewd behavior/HS principal
  • crotch conquest
  • corn and your rectum  

That’s just to name a few. 

I also get plenty of emails from people curious about a lot of things.  Why they ask me, I’ve yet to determine.  I’m just an unemployed journalist who blithers almost daily on a blog.  Nevertheless,  I get asked about writing, quantum physics, astronomy, entomology, psychotropic drugs, emotional pathologies, child rearing, stained glass making, crocheting, nuclear fusion and of course, the inner workings of the excretory systems of mammals, reptiles, rodents and someone’s 84 year-old  Uncle Sherman.   The questions literally run the gamut.

In fact, a  Mr. Richard Feder from Ft. Lee, New Jersey recently wrote in and asked,

“Dear Laurie,

Why is bird doo doo white?


A Mr. Richard Feder

Ft. Lee, New Jersey”

Well Richard, thank you for your query.  Let me preface this response with the following: I am not, nor have I ever been  a veterinarian, nor  am I an ornithologist….hell, I don’t even like raisins,  but I will try to answer your question to the best of my limited ability.

Bird caca is chalky-white because it consists of this chalky-white paste which the White Coats call urate.  Urate is made of uric-acid crystals which are a by-product of bird kidneys. What you actually see is the color of the whitish crystals.  Now, within the urate is a chunk of stool–doo doo, caca, poo-poo, Number 2, fudge, a pinched nasty. a chocolate Linsday Lohan.   This piece is usually hard and tube looking, and gets its color from the bird’s diet. 

Bird feces is also  an good indicator of the bird’s health. That’s one of the first things veterinarians look for.  You see, checking doodie is their duty. Fecal hues range from greenish for birds who eat plant seeds and green vegetables,  brownish for brown birdseed, and even a reddish color for those birds who eat strawberries.

For shrimp-eating seabirds, it’s pink!  

Tippi Hendron in "The Birds" as interpreted by Barbie, performed at London's Royal Albert Collins Hall,  Circa 1967

Tippi Hendron in "The Birds" as interpreted by Barbie, performed at London's Royal Albert Collins Hall, Circa 1967

Then, that can ONLY meen that the poop of the birds that feasted on Tippi Heddrin’s hair in “The Birds”,  must be the color of Miss Clairol Morning Mist Blond Shade #4A???

To top it all off, bird poop contains a tiny sprinkle of urine. Why only a sprinkle, you ask? “Aside from the ostrich, birds don’t have bladders and can’t carry a lot of water around. They’d be too heavy to fly

and that’s why  ostriches can’t fly”, explains one bird brain at small college in Florida.

As mentioned above, caca color can indicate a myriad of things, including poor health.  Abnormal colors like red urine and urate may be signs of internal bleeding (other than a diet of red berries).  Brown tinged urate may also signal lead poisoning, and green or yellow skittlesurate may mean liver disease.

This colorful spectrum could also be an indicator of poor health in humans.  

So, the next time you “shit a rainbow”, I suggest you seek  medical attention immediately.

Well, there you have it.   I guess this could be the first in a series of posts I’ll call “Ask Laurie”.  Therefore, if you have a question that you’re just too damn lazy to Google or inquire at yourself, send it to me via  e-mail and I’ll make every effort to copy and paste the answer from somewhere and then make a joke out of it.  Be my first victim(s), won’t you?

I can be reached at laurie industries at gmail dot com.



  1. and when will they stop pooping on my black mailbox?

    Sorry Davis, but that will never happen. Birds are notorious for being racists.

    I suggest you move to a blue state and build a green home, on some property without trees, reduce energy rates, work until you’re red-faced and be in the pink by being in the black in terms of income and personal profit margins.

    Then again, you could just buy a white mail box

    All the best,

  2. That would explain why my Green Camry is littered with crap every morning but the white suburban right next to it is always clean. Damn those skin head birds!

    Yes Murph, racist, xenophobic, clannish, hate-filled, rage-fueled skinhead birds. I’ve seen gatherings of this vile flock. They have weekend retreats, deep in the back woods. The burn a nest, then gather round it, chirphing and cavorting all the while wearing Nazi swansticka ensignia around their their two right wings.

    All the best,

  3. Why is human urine yellow? Is blood really blue before it hits air? How does one make the color white? Hmmmm?

    Sister Dear;

    The color pale yellow (virtually colorless urine) is healthy urine. OK that’s cool, but what’s with the even slight yellow color? The answer is: broken down red blood cells. They’re gathered along with water, sugar, salts, wastes and other stuff that comprises urine which is then gathered in your kidneys and sent with other liquid waste to your bladder. What gives it the yellow color are “Bilirubins” (NO, this has nothing to do with Billy Rubens, the only Jewish kid in your eighth greade class!!) Bilirubin a dark tinged break down of hemoglobins in the liver. It’s what gives jaundice it’s lovely squash-like color, it yellows the whites of our eyes and is responsible for the deep shade of purple/dark blue color of our bruises.

    Ask Rhianna.

    As for the color that is white, here’s a Cliff Notes version of an explanation. White is generally the color that is created by the lack of all other colors. For example, why are they’re dark clouds and white clouds? Well, clouds are white because their water droplets or ice crystals are large enough to scatter the light of the seven wavelengths (red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet), which combine to produce white light. Clouds will appear dark or gray when either they are in another clouds shadow or the top of a cloud casts a shadow upon its own base. The darkness of a cloud also depends on the background sky.

    A cloud will look darker when it is surrounded by a bright sky and lighter when it is in front of darker ones. Dark clouds don’t always signify an impending storm

    ABOUT BLUE BLOOD: Essentially, blood can be described in two hues: dark red, as found in our veins or bright red which is the color of the stuff that spurts out of arteries in every Wes Craven film ever made. Our veins only look blue because we’re looking at them *through* our skin. The blood inside them is dark red and it doesn’t reflect light very well. The blood you see when you get hurt is usually venous blood, the slightly darker coloredof the two types.

    However, Blue Blood is possible ONLY if you’re a direct linear descendent of those who came over on the Mayflower.

    All the best,

  4. Why did my African Grey parrot crap green?


    Well, G-Man,

    According to the Information FlyWay, you should have been more concerned had youparrot NOT shat green. The FlyWay says parots in general always dispense St. Patrick’s day colored turds (and rather worm-like) If not, green, then brown is often the color doo doo jour.

    Did your feathered child ever eat lettuce? If so, the delightful chlorophyll, which gives green veggies their green color, could also contribute to the to a deeper hue and perhaps, even a bit more in terms of “download”. In that case, Polly shouldn’t want a cracker.

    Instead, Polly should want a crapper.

    All the best,

  5. Ahhh, my darlin’ Laurie. Thou hast always been funny, sometimes even screemingly so. But you have outdone yourself this time reaching heights of PUNny that even I dast not attempt.

    Have I told you lately that I luvs ya?

And now, you may opine your ass off...

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