Why Am I Not Married?????


I have heard over the years that the older a woman becomes, the less likely she’ll EVER be able to find a suitable mate.    In fact, I was told recently that I stood a better chance of being kidnapped by a band of depressed Stalinists/Leninists and sold for cigarettes to a gang of Jewish abolitionists in the Sinai, then shipped to Key West , where I’d be imprisoned by Kelly McGillis  and forced to work as her Cabana Chick and beaten daily with pocket watch chains and sensible shoes.


Lately, my life has been a rag-tag tale of  not very much.   I’m still unemployed, home, alone, living almost full time in front of a computer keyboard and waiting by a phone that never rings.

 I lost my gig on Halloween last year.  Since then, I’ve sent well over 350 applications all across the country using every job board known to man and the end result?   Nothing, nada, zero, zilch, bupkis…one very big neg. 

Gee, am I depressed?   Uh, yeah!!!!!

And yes, I’ve resorted to a few behaviors that would indicate that I am.  I’m sad and lonely and junk food has become my solace.   And I should mention that yes, I’ve even delved into a vile, nasty habit that I’ve always tried to avoid like the plague……smoking.  Plus, my housekeeping habits have fallen by the wayside, somewhat. 

I hate it but my nerves are shot, I’m stressed, saddened, lonely and so unemployed that so cleaning is the last thing I want to do.  And, I’m so damn broke that I’vehad to resort to hooking, turning tricks…you know, being a whore.   On Saturdays, I traipse around the very busy intersection of Chow and Main where the other working girls ply their trade.   But they charge 20 dollars and up for their oral services.   Not me.  As someone unemp0led herself, I’m keenly aware of these recessionary times in which we currently live, so I charge accordingly.   My cost is 10  cents.   Yep, only one thin dime.

This past Saturday, I earned $6.10.   Two days later, I’m still tired, still sore and for some reason, I no longer like cheese.  I also see the futility of my tricking days.   The amount that is $6.10 isn’t enough to survive.  I can’t live on that!

I worried about my situation as I drove home from work early Sunday morning.   When I got home,  I couldn’t open my door, so I borrowed my neighbors battering ram and entered my humble apartment.

Once inside, I looked around and realized that I really needed to clean up my act. COMPLETELY!!!   My cigarette and fast food habit had taken over.   Today would begin “OPERATION SHOVEL”.

Just before I grabbed a hoe, a rake, a broom, mop and the Houston HAZ-MAT team, I decided to take photos of my apartment for before and after pictures.  You know, for posterity.

My first offering is a pic of the corner of my living room.  I spend a lot of time there.   What you’re about to see, is the result of a very panicky Friday and watching a day long marathon of the series, “Snapped”, a 30-minute program dedicated to women who have arrived at the end of their emotional and mental ropes and as a result, murdered people.    Watching that calms me down.

I sit right there and watch TV all day long, when I’m not on the computer praying to gods I don’t even in to help me land a decent job   You know, I had no idea that a cotton/linen blend couch covering was also comprised of flame retardent asbestos.   I;ve learned that it’s perfectly OK to stamp out a cigarette right on the arm!!

couch 1 cigarteets table in corners

If you’re a native of Southeast, Central or South Texas, you’ll recognize my love of WhataBurger large-sized drink cups.


 Next up is a wider view of my sofa and coffee table.   Yes, as the empty bags, cups, bottle and I’ve gained a little bit of weight, but I’ve been able to  modify damage by entsifying my smoking, coupled with the occasional bout with bulemia.

 couch 2 cups, cigarettes and  three quarters of couch

This is my kitchen table (I think)

couch 4 pizza boxes and cups

My kitchen has always been a “problem area” for me.; even in happier times.   The trouble is actually with the spatial limitations of counter space.  I’m hardly a minimalist, but as you can plainly see, there’s simply not enough counter space.  Thank God my ironing board comes in handy as an extender.

couch 6 kitchen roning board plastic jugs  

This is my bathroom.    Small, but at least it’s mine and I share it with no one. 

couch 11 toilet better view tootsie roll holder

Despite the way it appears, my toilet is still fully functional.  I just have to move a few things around to allow access, but it’s in fine working order.    The stain in front of the commode isn’t a stain at all.   That’s just where I mark all my encounters with rust colord tornadoes.  So, far I’ve on chased only one, but I intend to cover that bowl by June!!!

Also, my mother would KILL me if she knew I kept the candy box (I love mini Tootsie Rolls) in the bathroom. 

couch 8 cigs on keyboard

See?  Technicolor proof that I DO work on my computer.   It’s an inarguable fact….no ifs, ands and plenty of butts.

Lastly, my bedroom.

couch 14 wider shot of bedroom

I  actually prefer sleeping on real box springs.



  1. When I came to your apartment several years ago, it didn’t look like that. You weren’t smoking at the time. What’s a few cat hair balls scattered over your carpet anyway? I did recognize the sofa but I remembered it being blue striped. Don’t worry, Laurie, we’ll get in there with a dozer and pest control people and we’ll have your place torn apart and de-critercized in no time. The apartment manager might even pay you to get rid of all undesirables.

  2. Girl, you need to call the TV Show, Clean House. Please. If you lived closer to me I’d come and help you find your floor. You deserve better! Best wishes.


    All satire Swink. Promise. Photos were sent to me, I wrote stories around them.

    Thank you for you concern though.


  3. All I have to say is that yes, we actually used to have that exact blue and white couch. I so wish I was kidding.

  4. Murph,

    That’s STILL my couch. Got it at the old Foley’s Warehouse across form UH on 45. Bought mine in 1994 and I still have it. I fully intend to get rid of it once the god’s of the gainfully employed bestow upon me some gigs.

    Hope you’re well.

    I will e-mail soon about lunch. It will be good to see you!


  5. Those are real pictures? They aren’t staged? If not, there’s hope for me.

    Hope is needed these days. Seems like the economy is ambling along like Pig Pen through a Charlie Brown comic strip. Food can be comforting to numb financial insecurity or boost depression. But then depression goes deeper. Vicious cycle. Hope it ends for you soon. (I assume you weren’t being facetious.)

    Best wishes!

  6. Thank you so much for posting these pics! My wife is officially never allowed to complain about my mess again.

  7. Please take this as honest caring advice. You can escape this trap by finding mental health practitioners in your area. They can help you get back on track. Hope you’re already feeling better.


    You are kind and your sympathies and best wishes are indeed sweet, , but if you read what I wrote, you should have been able to pick up on the fact that this is total satire. I thought I had made that abundatly clear. Guess I didn’t.

    But I thank you for your concern.


  8. I just really don’t know what to say…don’t know even why I’m writing. How old is this pic? Have you ‘cleaned up’ since these pics were taken? If not, may I suggest you contact “How Clean Is Your House” with Kim and Aggie.

    I’m a clean freak, but not to a fault but your place is just, I don’t know. How can you live in that and still have a sense of humor about it??? For one thing, don’t you find it embarrassing to people that know you personally let alone advertising it on the net???

    Animals don’t even live that way…they collect things to build a neat home (birds)…dogs bury bones (covering it up neatly), cats groom themselves by washing themselves…the only animals that live like that are cats and dogs in back alleys, rats, mice, etc. You’re a human being with the ability to be clean and tidy.

    I wouldn’t want to even associate with you knowing the slobbish person you are.

    Depression or not, (mostly I see it as pure laziness) people just don’t live like this. Also, you can become very sick with all the garbage and butts around. Good Lord!

    If I was your landlord I’d definately evict you. That’s a fire waiting to happen!


    I don’t know if you read and actually digested any of the text that accompanied most of the photos in this blogpost, but had you, you might have realized that the entire piece was satire. The photos might have been real, but not snapped at my house. I’m a amazed that such a “thinking” person as yourself couldn’t see beyond that.

    I am a comedy writer by trade and many of my blogposts are satire. Someone sent me those photos and I included them in this piece. I don’t live like this and frankly, I don’t see how anyone could, but people do.

    You obviously don’t know me or anything about me or this blog and probably stumbled on to it by accident. Even so, I have to admit, I did find your comments interesting and quite telling, actually. I’m talking about your compulsion to say what you said and how you said it to a total stranger without knowing his or her back story; the reasons why he or she might live this way.

    You know, Kim… is it?….there is a mental depravity in feeling OK about living in abject filth and squalor. It’s the polar opposite, but yet right on par with the fragmented mental illness that IS anal retentive neat freakdom and unkind, unfiltered commentary fueled in part by ignorance, as exemplified by a comment like yours.

    You have no filters. Gee Kim, Aspergers on top of being a complete bitch??? Ouch! What a hellacious bifecta!! Had we been even the most casual of aquaintances, I would evict you from my circle of friends. You’re a nightmare incarnate.

    Oh well, I wish you luck and a speedy recovery with your obvious issues.


  9. OK so I kind of sort of maybe fell for it myself at first…but after reading that last comment to Kim I breathed a sigh of relief! lol! but then i thought to myself….uh….those pictures must have been taken somewhere…so someone does live like that somewhere in the world?! yikes! I really hope those scenes were staged! But then again, if you watch that show Hoarders…you’ll see waaaaaaaay worse. I’m talkin’ people living up to their eyeballs in filth and not being able to get rid of anything….like, they’ll claim a spec of dust as a momento



    I suppose I actually thought the commentary accompanying the photos indicated it was indeed satire. Guess I was wrong.

    Hoarding is very sad and something that I can understand–to a degree. I have a friend who comes from a family of of four girls and three of them are hoarders. She keeps the craziest things. At first I thought it was because she came from a poor family and never had “enough” as a child. She didn’t–her family was upper middle class and her mother was rather appearance conscious.

    I think hoarding and being OK with living in filth is obviously part and parcel of a greater mental condition. It can’t be healthy in any capacity. Then again, I think (as I stated) that anal retentive neat freakdom also indicates something wrong.

    I don’t know where the answer lies and I ache for these people with enough separation anxiety or cleanliness issues to start wars, but I wish them all eventual mental health and a living room that they can someday walk through without contorting the body.

    Thanks for stopping by and for your comment.


  10. Hello Laurie,

    I was just browsing my computer, and got the thought to type the words: “Why am I not Married” And found your websight. I wonder if you mind writing back please I need to talk to you more if it be okay with you. I thank you for your time in advance.



  11. Hey Laurie,

    I came across your blog here when I was looking for other women in the same life crisis I’m going through lately. “Why am I not married?”. I feel your pain and in the same position you “were?” This post was made over a year ago so maybe things have changed for you since then? Hopefully? I am unemployed, alone, broke and depressed. I don’t have a hoarding problem but I have severe ocd. I feel like a freak of nature cuz I’m in my late 28s and never been a serious relationship before. It sucks not having a reason to feel good about yourself. But its nice to have hope and do something about it before things get worse. I used to be a huge smoker and drinker but I quit those 7 months ago. I’ve been good with that but ended up gaining a lot of weight from eating more. Oh well, that’s something else to work on now.

    I am shocked by those pics but won’t judge. You,re going through it. You need something or someone to lift your spirits so you can move forward. Most people do. Well best wishes to you, Laurie!

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