In between turning 50 and dealing with the emotional upheaval created by being unemployed, unloved and completely unamused by it all, I have been remiss in not properly acknowledging a day that is of vital importance to every straight woman and gay man on the planet.
It protruded onto the scene earlier this month in Japan. It’s a long holiday–lasting the first weekend in April. It’s a simple affair. No Vesuvian-like eruptions of fun and all its fluidity. It is instead, a semenal moment in which our non-Occidental bretheren to the East celebrate the penis. Often feted with parades.
Modern day Japanese celebrate “Penis Day” as a rite of seasonal passage. It’s Springtime and spring springs to mind newness, birth and rebirth, and of course, fertility. And we all know the penis is one of two ingredients needed to pinpoint the real, grass roots definition of creationism.
And celebrate, they do. They have for centuries. This particular Japanese festival in Komaki, celebrates a statue of a penis to which Geisha and her lovely bevy of prostitutes prayed in the 17th Century to protect them from sexually transmitted diseases.
THE HISTORY OF PENIS DAY
Legend has it that a demon in the statue would manifest itself as the deity “Tamponisu” and would hide inside the nether privates of a young girl and upon having sex, that enabled her to castrate every one of her husbands on their wedding nights. Why? Because it was thought that the penis is a font of disease.
Welcome to penile institution that is marriage, honey!!!
In response to this, a local blacksmith fashioned a large, iron phallus that was used to break the demon’s teeth, leading to the enshrinement of the big metal penis. God only knows then just HOW the demons teeth were bashed in if in fact, it was “inside” the young girl. Perish the thought.
Oh, and I should mention that almost all of the penises in modern day Komaki are hand-carved (as if there could be any other kind) and made of wood.
All things considered, when venturing into the realm of American lexicon and euphamism, wood is quite the appropriate substance.
Apparently, it’s good luck to stroke the ceremonial penis. I, however, have never found that to be plausible.
Nowadays this large, fully aroused penis festival is used to raise awareness & money for HIV/AIDS research.
If you ever go to the Penis Day festivities, you will see lots and lots of bandana sporting locals parading a giant penis around the streets gyrating it to the pulsating rhythms of penis songs. In Japan, this mode of music is called “Gag Time”. It’s an interesting undulating beat.
But I digress….
The parade leads to a temple where the huge penis is erected and then the rest of the day is spent paying homage to the phallus. And there are two big events that evening: one is a mock war in which Japanese get to laugh at Western religion. It’s a battle royale between Jews and Genitals and the object of the fisticuffs is to argue which is better: wholesale or retail. And then that’s topped off with an auction in which penis-shaped radishes go to the highest bidder.
I used to know a guy in college named Dick Garnish…
The locals force open the door to the temple with this ramming rod.
THE COLOR AND PENIS DAY PAGEANTRY
Local maidens in traditional cockstume, don the almighty penis as part of the parade procession.
For tourists, souvenirs are plentiful. You’ll find shops along the parade route engorged with penis shaped trinkets and what not to remind of you of that very spatial day.
As you can plainly see, Buddha represents Japan’s girth of a nation.
Concession stands are rife with penis shaped treats. At this particular festival you will put nothing in your mouth that’s not penis shaped and you will drink imported Vodka only from penis shaped vessels. The locals will tell you that nothing helps celebrate “Penis Day” better than a shot of chilled Russian Jackov. As the logo states, “When you say Jackov, you’ve said a mouthful. Please swallow responsibly”.
Well, that’ll do it for this post. Happy Belated Penis Day, ya’ll. And next year, I encourage you to celebrate this wonderful tribute to the male dork. You’ll have fun, plus it’s a great party.
Don’t blow it…or do.