A Primer: The REAL Gross National Product

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Hi Kids,

Hate to break this to you, but we are a nation of hygienically challenged sloths. Oh yes, it’s true!!! We, as a people, are just as nasty and vile as the day is long.

Disgusting even.

As they used to say in the Sixties, I’m about to lay some facts on you, man and you will NOT like what you read.

Because well, let me put it this way—there’s a pizza with a pubic hair lying perilously close to  a piece of pepperoni and it’s got YOUR name on it.

I don’t know where these facts came from, but they’re so gross they have to be legit.  Perhaps, they come straight from the U.S. Department of Disease and Stuff.

Read on…. if you dare.

  • During an hour’s swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine. (That’s about 2.5 ounces…oooh, give me a crumpet for dipping!)
  • In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with things that 15 hands that didn’t wash after using the restroom (I’m talking about things such as door handles, stair railings, elevator buttons, shopping carts…a co-worker, etc.)
  • An average person’s yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs. (Yet you still insist on flossing?)
  • In a year, you will have swallowed 14 insects— while you slept!  (Wow.  This explains a lot!  I  once dated a guy whose morning breath always smelled like dead, rotting crickets)
  • Now here’s where it REALLY gets gross!!!

  • On a daily basis, you will breath in one liter of other peoples’ anal gases. Human methane exists everywhere, especially in crowded malls. (Sounds of coughing of tens of people walking behind LK in the mall)
  • At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests. (Sounds of LK refilling Acyclovir prescription at Walgreen’s)
  • In your lifetime, 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket when you weren’t home. Especially women’s clothes hampers (Sounds of frantic workmen gagging in LK’s bathroom)
  • Annually, you will shake hands with two women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands. (Sounds of frantic hand-washing in LK’s bathroom)
  • Annually, you will shake hands with 26-men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands. The majority of these men also fail to clean “themselves” (genitals) properly afterwards. This moisture, in combination with the snug conditions of underwear and pants can results in major germ and bacteria production (Sounds of frantic gargling coming from LK’s bathroom)

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So, the moral of this story is: Americans are very horney people with the masturbatory skills of zoo chimps and the hygenic responsibility of  Auqa Lung, the perpetually congested homeless Snot King, crazy-homeless-manwho’s quite insane and  blows his persistantly running nose a la field style without regard, who wears a parka in late August IN HOUSTON and lives in a grassy median in Montrose, a bohemian and gay friendly neighborhood that is downtown adjacent.

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And now, you may opine your ass off...

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