O.J.’s Ultimate Fate


One day in the relatively near future, O J Simpson has a heart attack and dies.oj-hell

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. Satan is clutching a clip board rife with papers.
‘Welcome Mr. Simpson.  This is where you’ll spend eternity…in a place that’s really of your own making on Earth!”  The devil belts out this deviant, evil laugh befitting a Wes Craven movie or a John Milton novel.   The devil then rifles through the papers on his clip board.    

“Gee, Mr. S,  I’m at a loss here.  You see, you’re are on my list of incoming residents and actually, I’ve had you earmarked to head due south ever since that that little bloddy glove incident on Bundy Avenue L.A. during the summer of 1994, but for some reason,  I have no room for you.  Hell is all filled up.  So, I have to find space for you while keeping in mind that I have to keep extra room for Obama’s Cabinet.   My problem is that you definitely have to stay here”.

The devil put a cloven hoof up to his chin, tapped it a few times as he pondered what to do with the formerly decent human being. 

“OK, I’ve got it!”, said the devil.  “Tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a few folks here who weren’t quite evil as you, so I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves!   How’s that for accomodating?”

OJ thought about it for a minute or two, then decided that sounded quite doable, so the devil asked for former football legend if he was ready to see the first room.   The devil opened the door.

In it, was Al Gore,  He was wearing only his integrity—and a pair of boxers and a “John Kerry Sux” T-shirt. He was sitting there,  shivering and freezing in an igloo that will never, ever melt.  A very hungry Kodiak bear, who feels encroached upon by Inuits  and the Broadway touring company of “No, No Nanook!,  Not only that, the bear voted Republican in ’08.   The huge creature patrols the igloo’s portal constantly. Every time Al tried to exit the frozen, tiny fortress, the bear would roar and claw at him.  Gore had no option but to go back inside and exist in a cold world, with none of  the deep pocketed, yet gullible Young Glittery Hollywood types to bail him out…much less toss him a Member’s Only jacket.
Such was his fate in hell.
No way!!”, OJ said. ‘I don’t think so. I’m a warm weather kind of guy.  Hell, I played pro-ball in Buffalo.  I know cold and no thank you; I’m done with that shit.  What’s next?”
”As you wish.” said the abominable one.  The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it, was Hillary Clinton with a sledgehammer, seeking a vast, right ring conspiracy, along with the last bastion of her dignity, her femininity  and a rare collection of Indigo CD’s. in a room full of huge rocks and boulders.   All she did was swing the hammer, time after time,  breaking stone after stone and never making a dent in the igneous mass before her.
“No man, this is no good!   I played pro-ball.  I got a bad shoulder. I’m arthritic and I’d be in constant agony if I had to  bust up rocks day in and day out!”,The devil nodded his head, then opened a third door.

Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica performing one of her trade mark Lewinskys.. OJ looked at the scene before him in shocked disbelief, and said, “Oh hell yeah, man!!  Now, this I can do forever. I can handle this for sure.  I want to spend eternity like this, Devil!   And that’s my final answer!!” 

The devil smiled and said, “OK Monica, you’re free to go…..”




  1. HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEH…….Laurie, that is funny stuff. I could think of a few more that could be(and most probably will be) patrons of that place.

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