Your Assignment? Reading All This Shit, This Weekend
If nothing else, I want my blog to be a compendium of worthless, irrelevent knowledge. A place you come to get bored.
On the new hundred-dollar bill the time on the clock tower of Independence Hall is 4:10. (Just ten more minutes until our founding fathers could light up and get all baked on hemp and non-potent domestic weed)
Almonds are members of the peach family (Testicles belong to the nut family)
The symbol on the “pound” key (#) is called an octothorpe. ( I hear it just gave birth to eight ampersans, artifically insiminated by same crazy ass Arab looking Reproductive Expert. The vertical lines in this symbol have recently been made fuller in an effort to resemble actress and self proclaimmed humantarian and crazy fellow keyboard symbol, Angelina Joliequal-Sign (=)
The dot over the letter ‘i’ is called a tittle. (Some are obviously more mature and better developed than other “tittles“).
Charlie Brown’s father was a barber. ( That explains nothing)
The largest city in the United States with a one syllable name is Flint, Michigan. (Flint is also the the American city with only one member of the populace, currentlyemployed)
On the cartoon show ‘The Jetsons’, Jane is 33 years old and her daughter Judy is 15. (Odd, I always thought Judy’s tits indicated she was 13)
Only humans and horses have hymens. (And most young women break theirs while riding a horse…Sure beats that other flimsy excuse about riding a boy’s bike)
The state with the longest coastline in the US is Alaska. (Perfect for year round swimming, sunbathing and seeing Sarah Palin’s house from every other sand dune)
Spot, Data’s cat on Star Trek: The Next Generation, was played by six different cats. (Most recently, the role was portrayed Irving Katz, who took the gig because he needed more press for his struggling Nashville deli)
If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture side weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom. (Just like that big queen, Andy Dick)
The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F. (It shits to the octaves of P and U)
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. (And Las Vegas consists of TWO one syllable words. What are the “odds” of that? What?? You don’t think so. Put you money where your mouth is….like a sherpa, you want Tibet?)
There are only four words in the English language which end in “-dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain.(So is Lindsay Lohan’s)
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
Deborah Winger did the voice of E.T. (To quote the late Johnny Carson, “I did not know that!”)
There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs six times: Indivisibility. (Great if you date a human reference desk)
In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery. (I could have lived anther 20 years without knowing that)
The first word spoken by an ape in the movie Planet of the Apes was “Smile”.
Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays. (Burt Reynold’ career died on his 47th birthday, 17 years ago)
Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer. (Maybe, but if I were buying my furniture from this cold blooded killer, I’d NEVER look in the drawers)
When two words are combined to form a single word (e.g., motor + hotel = motel, breakfast + lunch = brunch) the new word is called a “portmanteau. ( A lovely wine that goes well with fish)
Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln’s assassin John Wilkes Booth … and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, “His name is Mudd.” (That one was new to me! Now, we know!)
No two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.
Betsy Ross was born with a fully formed set of teeth. (How do you think she cut the material for all that flag makin’?)
Betsy Ross’s other contribution to the American Revolution, beside sewing the first American flag, was running a munitions factory in her basement. (It was called “Ye Olde Rocket’s Red Glare Ammunition Shop and Flaggeria)
Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device depicted in the book ‘The Naked Lunch’.
Wilma Flintstone’s maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble’s Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker. (Both women used Yabba Dabba Douche when they didn’t feel…you know….fresh)
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. (Some have more hair than the others)
The Ramses brand condom is named after the great phaoroh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children. (He was ribbed for his wife’s pleasure)
When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state’s third largest city. (Tom Osborne is both mayor and pope)
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (Lord Have Mercy!! Really??? Man, I’m going to start eating for three)
A male pig’s penis is shaped like a corkscrew. (Oooh! This woman is going to start eating for six!)
A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours. (that probably also applies to really horny post orgasmic pigs)
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (As I approach 50, I become more goldfish-like)
The A&W of root beer fame stands for Allen and Wright. (And the D and R of “I’m a Pepper, You’re a Pepper” fame, stands for Doctor)
A baby eel is called an elver, a baby oyster is called a spat. (A spat (usually on the floor or in the toilet) is also the very action by which most women keep from getting baby boys and baby girls)
Bingo is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box.
In the 1983 film “JAWS 3D” the shark blows up. Some of the shark guts were the stuffed ET dolls being sold at the time. (And the little ET dolls were stuffed with Reese’s Pieces)
St. Paul, Minnesota was originally called Pigs Eye after a man who ran a saloon there. (Good thing it changed its name or Mary Tyler Moore would NEVER have worked there)
The numbers ‘172’ can be found on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar bill in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial. (And atop of the tents in M*A*S*H, you can clearly see the numbers 4-0-7-7)
Moon was Buzz Aldrin’s mother’s maiden name. (Buzz Aldrin was the second man on the moon in 1969.)
Who’s that playing the piano on the “Mad About You” theme? It’s Paul Reiser himself.. And Greg Evigan sang the “My Two Dads” theme. Kelsey Grammar sings and plays the piano for the theme song of Fraiser. Alan Thicke, the father in the TV show Growing Pains wrote the theme songs for The Facts of Life and Diff’rent Strokes . (Have you ever noticed just how GAY sounding the names of these sitcoms are? “My Two Dads”, “Growing Pains” and “Diff’rent Strokes” ? Things would be only be worse if Tom Cruise sang the theme for his latest made-for-TV movie, “Hey Bob, Grip My Cock Harder”)
On TV’s “Gilligan’s Island”, the Professor’s real name was Roy Hinkley, Mary Ann’s last name was Summers and Mrs. Howell’s maiden name was Wentworth. (Ginger’s real name was Henry “Hank” Moskowitz)
Alexander the Great was an epileptic. (His cousin, Jody The Epilectic, was considered a great lay)
The name for Oz in the “Wizard of Oz” was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence “Oz.” (The fact that he’d just did a couple of lines of various powdered opiates also contributed to the discovery)
Horses cannot vomit. (And vomit is rarely hoarse)
S.O.S. doesn’t stand for “Save Our Ship” or “Save Our Souls” — It was just chosen by an 1908 international conference on Morse Code because the letters S and O were easy to remember and just about anyone couldkey it and read it, S = dot dot dot, O = dash dash dash (I thought it was the name of a steel wool pad, perfect for scrubbin’ dirty pots and pans)
Pocahontas appeared on the back of the $20 bill in 1875. (Sacajawea is still pissed at that bitch for getting far more press!)
The way to get more mules is to mate a male donkey with a female horse. (Or Madonna)
A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won’t.
John Lennon’s first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles. (He referred to her as a fine ass peice of garnish)
Slinkys were invented by an airplane mechanic; (NOT Lisa Lupner’s father as Jane Curtin and SNL implied 30-plus years ago). He was playing with engine parts and realized the possible secondary use of one of the springs.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball. (783 on my ass alone. How did you think Walt and the boys came up with the dimpled concept of the Epcot globe/ball thing????)
Octopi have gardens. (And one particular OctoMom in California has a great deal of “splainin’ to do, Lucy!!!””)
Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox. (This crazy cat also took dumps there!)
When a giraffe’s baby is born it falls from a height of six feet, normally without being hurt.
To “testify” was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.
Both Hitler and Napoleon were missing one testicle. (So THAT’S what the problem was)
Swans and Ducks are the only birds with penises. In fact, the longest bird penis on record belongs to a duck (named John Holmes)
A whale’s penis is called a dork. (Several of my ex boyfriends share this common name as well)
The raised reflective dots in the middle of highways are called Botts dots.
A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
Twelve or more cows are known as a “flink.”
A group of frogs is called an army.
A group of rhinos is called a crash.
A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
A group of whales is called a pod.
A group of geese is called a gaggle.
A group of ravens is called a murder.
A group of officers is called a mess.
A group of larks is called an exaltation.
A group of owls is called a parliament.
Starfish don’t have brains.
Shrimps’ hearts are in their heads.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. (Unless you’re a Continental Express plane)
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first class.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
Turtles can breathe through their butts
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this…) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
In Massachusetts – It is illegal to put tomatoes in clam chowder
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden…. and thus the word “GOLF” entered into the English language.
Your fingernail are made of the same ingredients found in fly doodie poop (You just go ahead and bite them nails, Skippy….enjoy the rich, full bodied flavor of regurgiated shit!!)
The average garden variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head.
And finally, the typical Behemoth Caterpillar found in Houston has five rectums.