Zero 930 Hours: LK arrives in Boerne, a mere 28 miles from San Antonio…a tiny berg of Teutonic heritage, nestled in the geophysical rises of the Texas Hill Country.
Zero 945 Hours: Karol looks Laurie over in order to chide her about continuing weight loss and the plateau that she will obviously accuse Laurie of hitting. This, plus Laurie’s rather punky hairdo that’s completely age inappropriate will incur Karol’s sisterly ire.
Zero 11-Hundred Hours: Karol and Laurie arrive at spa appointment. Karol’s wants her talons addressed. Laurie wants her hooves buffed. The farrier speaks little English, but she is from a squatting people and can do so for hours. For a few bucks more, she will massage longer all the while thinking in a language or all consonants, that her clients are bloated albino cows.
Zero 1430 Hours: Laurie and Karol arrive at Mother’s swankienda to await arrival of other sister, Kathy. She is driving in from the city that killed JFK.
Zero 15 Hundred Hours: Kathy finally arrives and they unpack and allow grandpets, including Laurie’s familiar, Charlotte the Calico to get to know each other.
Zero 16 Hundred Hours: It is cocktail hour. Laurie opens first bottle of wine and with that, Karol gets drunk immediately. Her face turns crimson. Mother insists that’s the exact color in which she wants her den.
Zero 17 Hundred Hours: Sisters and Mother indulge in alcohol fueled laughter and the traditional mocking people for their odd gates and of course, making fun of anyone who isn’t them.
Zero 1730 Hours: Dinner is served. It consists of light nibbles.
Zero 1732 Hours: It is unanimously decided that more liquor is required.
Zero 20 hundred Hours: Collective passing out of all four Kendrick’s….with drooling.
Zero 700 Hours: Sisters awake and dress to some semblance of decorum.
Zero 800 Hours: Sisters prepare a breakfast fit for a narcissist.
Zero 900 Hours: After a decent hour of talking all things maternal and sororital, food is put away, dishes washed, Sister are packed, they gather the grandpets, kiss Her Majesty goodbye and disembark for target location: Yanta House…A Nancy Drew Mystery.
Zero 920 Hours: Sisters arrive at target destination. Situate pets. Unpack pre-selected goods to wear to the trip to San Antonio.
Zero 930 Hours: Sisters bathe, dry off then primp, scrub, rub, apply, smear, cover, coat, spray, pluck and julienne themselves to the point where at least 1/3 of all the Kendrick evils perpetrated on their now middle aged faces are somewhat concealed.
Zero 1015 to NO LATER THAN 1030 Hours: Sisters should be seated and buckled in to a pre-selected vehicle. Trunk is packed. 60’s and 70’s music will be blaring with vocal accompaniment that is off pitch by leaps and bounds. Sisters aim their private personnel carrier to the next target destination: San Antonio, where “Operation Sassy Sisters Who Really Shouldn’t Will, For One Weekend Anyway, Skank It Up For The Masochists Also Visiting The Riverwalk” will be fully deployed.
Zero 1120 Hours: Sisters arrive at storied, Menger Hotel. Drive up, have valet park the SPSV (Sisters’ Private Personnel Vehicle) in the appropriate parking space. If no valet, Sisters will hire street urchin to do all their vehicle bidding. His melanin-rich face looks dirty to Kathy, who’s never met anyone not white. He doesn’t look much older than eight or nine years of age. Kathy picks a partially snot smeared tissue from her purse and proceeds to spit on it, announcing to God and everyone else, that “this child neds a good scrubbin;”. She then wipes the face of the little dark complected ragamuffin. The boy struggles to free himself as he insists he bathed that morning. Kathy gets angry at his impudence and kicks his left buttock as he makes his escape. As he breaks free, she claims she felt whiskers on his chin. Kathy screams “Terrorist!!!” as he darts into an alley.
Karol starts to weep. Laurie calls a clinic to have her DNA tested.
Zero 1130 Hour: Sisters check into The Menger, where Teddy Roosevelt established the Rough Riders. Sisters and luggage are taken to their suite by a pimple-faced 19 year old Bell Boy named, Greg “Face Like The Back of A Nestle’s Crunch Bar” Fernandez. Karol gives him a dollar tip and he utters something like “Old Bitch”. Karol is angry. Fights back by opening mini bar.
Zero 12 Hundred Hours: The Sisters sit around, excited, everyone talking at once about what they should do. Laurie suggests nachos and beer within the hour. Kathy and Karol debate that decision. 10 to 20-minutes transpire until Sisters decide what to do. Karol is curious about how Coke tastes in San Antonio; Kathy would like to shop. Laurie is adamant about beer and nachos. It is decided that Sisters will do all three things as requested individually.
Zero 1230 Hours: Sisters retouch the last vestiges of make-up applied three hours earlier. Spritz with way too much parfum, then grab purses, sunglasses, comfy shoes and walk 438 yards from hotel entrance and portico to either River Center Mall or the Riverwalk. That decision will be made at precisely 12:45 Hours.
Zero 1250 to 1600 Hours: Sisters endeavor to honor all three requests in and around the legendary San Antonio Riverwalk. It had been more than 20 years since the Sibs have been there. They are friends as well as Sisters. That said, there is eating, imbibing, shopping and massive kvetching about the pain in all three Sisters’ backs. They condemn being middle aged and all the damned inferior Kendrick genes. Karol insists her favorites are Levi’s. Laurie soils her herself upon realization that either one of these two women could lend her a kidney. Kathy frowns with crinkled forehead which protrudes slightly. Laurie notices this and since she’s still a bit inebriated after imbibing 6.5 Corona’s in four minutes, accuses Kathy of being an inbred extra from the movie, “Deliverance”. Kathy, still buzzed from seven glasses of wine, insists she’s never starred in a Biblical movie. Karol laughs uproariously and Laurie wonders if she was adopted.
Zero 1630 Hours: Sisters unwind, lie upon beds, hoping there’s still some semblance of English programming on San Antonio TV stations. Karol dozes off. Kathy and Laurie contemplate putting her hand in the room’s ice bucket, filled with warm water. Nothing happens; she pees not. Laurie and Kathy contemplate drawing fake blackheads all over Karol’s nose with black Bic fine point pen. They then decide to drink what’s left in the mini bar. Laurie and Kathy fall asleep.
Laurie dreams of a new family.
Zero 1700 Hours: Karol wakes before her sisters and is already primping for the night’s festivities. Laurie and Kathy then wake-up and rush to hit the shower first to wash off a series of black Bic fine point pen blackheads on their noses. Kathy gets there first. Laurie punishes Karol for her prank by burping the preamble of the U.S. Constitution.
Zero 1800 Hours: Sisters emerge from tastefully appointed suite and proceed to exit the Menger and once again, traverse the 438 yards to the Riverwalk. Dinner is on the agenda. Laurie wants to flirt with men. Karol shakes her head in disgust as she attempts to restyle Laurie’s punky and inappropriate haircut and then pointedly asks, “Why?”
Laurie bristles and considers asking a nearby Black couple to foster her.
EPILOGUE PART ONE : In what kind of hijinx will the Sisters find themselves? Where will the Sisters eat? What will the Sisters eat? How much more slovenly drunk can they get? Will Kathy and Karol have enough cash for LK’s bail? And lastly, will Karol like the taste of San Antonio Cokes?
We know you want the answers, but we advise you to first read the next post about Laurie’s strange trip to her ill computer’s Cyberchologist. Then, come so come back here Monday…same bat time, same bat mitzvah, to read Part Two of The Sisters Kendrick Weekend in the town that killed Davey Crockett.