They Grow Up So Fast

Elaina and Juan are a great couple.  Young, hip, good looking, successful and conscientious.  Perfect–almost Stepfordian, really. couple-son Before they got married, they agreed to raise their children conservatively.  Three years later, Elaina gave birth to Jason.   Papa Juan was in the birthing room.  He cried when he first laid eyes on his son.

I’ve heard that Elaina felt  motherhood was incredible; a dream come true.  She was happy; Juan was over the moon and little Jason was lucky enough to have been born to parents who adored him.

It certainly didn’t hurt that Jason was a good baby…a sweet, well-behaved toddler and overall,  just a great kid.  Juan taught him how to throw a football, play baseball and at age six, he  taught his son how to ride a bike.

Elaina restricted his TV viewing and closely monitored what he was allowed to watch and read.   She bought him educational toys and  worked with him on his numbers and the alphabet.   She enrolled him in a prestigious school that guaranteed it would instill values and impervious character traits in her son–the things she and Juan wanted.    She wanted to keep Jason innocent for as long as she could.    The world is, she thought, sinister enough.   Why taint his young, impressionable mind?  This was his youth.   Besides, he’ll be older so much longer.

Jason wanted a puppy and for his fifth birthday, his parents gave him a Shetland Sheepdog named “Barnie”.   He was a great puppy.  No trouble at all.  Juan and Elaina felt it was important for Jason to learn how to be  responsible.  He was in charge of  Barnie’s care.   He took his duties seriously.  His charge was healthy and happy and Jason didn’t disappoint his proud parents.

That said, life was good for the Family Fernandez.    Living was easy.   Nothing messy; nothing complicated.   It flowed like a font of positivity and when you were in the presence of this family, you knew  they had it together.   They were real and loving and one might even deem, worthy of the  existence that’s seemingly, sans hardship.

But….such is life.

And life always happens when you’re busy  making other plans.  That became evident in the summer of 2000.   The family planned a road trip the month after Jason had just turned eight.   They would drive through Colorado.  It was time for the young lad to discover geography.

Obviously, the biggest trek was trying to get through Texas.   Juan and Elaina listened to NPR and classical music CDs throughout the trip.  They taught Jason about orchestra, instruments and provided details about the composer.  Jason was fascinated with Mozart and his enmity riddled relationship with Salieri.  During a nap,  Elaina and Juan looked in the back seat where their precious, precocious, gentle child sleeping.  They looked at each other and smiled.  They were convinced they were raising a good boy who was destined to grow up to be a good man.

All was right in the Fernandez world.

Just as they passed the outskirts of Dallas,  Jason woke up.  He stretched and asked where they were.

“We went through Dallas.  You know Jason, that’s home to the Cowboys who Daddy likes so much!” said Juan.

Jason shook his head.

By that time, the family car was trailing  behind a large garbage truck that was belching out it’s vile contents all over creation. Debris was flying out of the unsecured back.  Their car was hit by coffee grounds,  fast food bags, a renegade salvo of stale french fries, something oddly green and another wad of paper that was an all to familiar brown. Juan said he was going to write down  the license place number and report this spewing garbage truck for reckless endangerment and littering.

They would’ve been content had they just been pummeled by mere trash–but that wasn’t the case.   The next thing emitted from the garbage truck was, in Elaina’s opinion, the biggest insult of all.  Juan and Elaina witnessed a HUGE dildo virtually catapult from the garbage scowl on wheels ahead of them.  It hit the hood of the car, then slammed against the windshield before falling to the paved interstate beneath them.

It startled all three of them and because their son was so young, innocent and inquisitive,  Elaina knew she had to shield him from a subject beyond his years.  She decided to tell  Jason what the object was without explaining exactly what the object did.   In typical Elaina fashion, she couched her explanation deftly.

“Now Sweetie, the garbage truck ahead of us is full of trash and because of that fact, it attracts a lot of insects.  So that’s what hit our car…just one big flying insect.  You’ve nothing to worry about!”

To which Jason replied,  “Gee, I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a huge dick like that!!”

Elaina home schooled him for the next five years.



  1. okay, lk. you asked me the difference between what you do and technical writing. here is how a technical writer would tell that:

    A boy and his mother were riding in a car behind a garbage truck. A large dildo flew out the back of the truck and hit their windshield.

    The mom said, “That was just a bug.” The boy said, “Gee, I’m surprised it could fly with such a huge dick!!”

  2. I have asked Laurie for years about how she comes up with this stuff. Karol and I have already decided to make sure her brain is left for science. I still think that if she had run for Vice President instead of Palin, maybe the Repubs could have had a chance!!!! Imagine that…VP Laurie Kendrick…our family “get togethers” in the White House..OMG!~!~

  3. Listen Hammer, Kathy and I’ve spent our lifetimes in her head and we still don’t know how it works!!!!! However, she has a spontaneous wit and knows when to turn it on.

  4. Laurie was a most unique child. If you want to research her stories, you can go back as far as March 07 when she started this. She has let people know about our upbringing, mother and daddy, their divorce, my kids, Kathy’s life, etc.

    Yes, Kathy and I are her older sisters. Last year, she posted our picture in one of her stories, however, we were told we looked like brothers instead of sisters (but that’s not true).

    Welcome, Hammer, to Laurie’s world. Kathy, this is Hammer. He would like to know what Laurie was like as a child.

  5. Laurie taught me how to unwrap Christmas presents without tearing a thing and then rewrap them. She was an exceptional child, who at 4 years could recite JFKs address to the nation speech. Then when she was 8 or 9 could recite the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet. Genius and gifted.

    Wait, Hammer, they’ll be more on Laurie soon.

  6. The UK-why do we attract people in the mental health profession?? I do think that we are quite mentally stable, at least now compared to earlier.

  7. A Scottish dish consisting of a mixture of the minced heart, lungs, and liver of a sheep or calf mixed with suet, onions, oatmeal, and seasonings and boiled in the stomach of the slaughtered animal.

  8. Hammer asked if Kathy and I are as funny as Laurie. No, we aren’t as quick witted, but we have been known to pop off every now and then. Especially when we have embibed in the spirits!

  9. I have a fairly decent British readership. Can’t put any numbers on it, but my reader maps and what have you sure have a lot of Britain covered with location markers.

    As for the mental health types? Well, take a look at us. We three crazy ass broads!!

  10. It’s a real dish. Lots of folk over there eat it. Why? I’ve nary a clue but go figure the UK is home to very interesting people.

    They’re not the warmest people on the planet. No offense Mr. Hammer.

  11. gimme my Texmex any time! We shouldn’t be critical of those people from foreign lands-they could be our kinfolk, you know!!!!Coming from Nonie and LG -can you imagine our bloodline??

  12. There have been some doozies in the past. Real women haters. They had this thing for Laurie-you know love her/hate her kind of affection. It got extremely interesting here several times in the past.

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