My New Invention

I’ve not worked in four months.

I’m not only bored to tears, I’m going broke.  So in between trying to remain sane and groveling for jobs at the quarry, I’ve decided to ease my pain of impending poverty by inventing the most ingenious device for quick make-up application.

Women and drag queens are gonna LOVE IT!!!

PREMISE:  Women simply do not have the time to apply a full compliment of make-up every morning.  So, why not make make-up an exercise that takes only 5.2 seconds to apply?

The brain trust here at Laurie Industries under my direction, have come up with the physical product that I could only conceive in thought and on paper…

Behold….the Cleenax Insta-Make Up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


That’s right.  Each tissue in each box has a completely different look and each sheet comes with a full application of make-up…eye shadow and liner; mascara, eyebrows, blush, lipstick, foundation, the works!!

You simply pull out one Cleenax Insta Makeup sheet,  place it make-up side up; lay it flat against a table or countertop and simply roll your case across it like a common blotter!    And voila!!!    You’ve got a face full of make-up!

Quick, easy….it’s beauty in an instant!!!

Different looks run the gamut, too:  day, night…formal, casual, Emmett Kelly, dramatic, simple… everyday.

Here’s the look one will get from our most basic make-up application:  The No Frills Standard Issue Sheet:


This is for the gal who’s all about the “no fuss” approach to makeup.  You saw this particular sheet still in the box which I displayed at the top of this post.

Next, for the risk takers out there, we offer the  “Ash Wednesday” look.


Perfect, if this is what soots you!!

Taken right out of the surrealist  archives of Catalan, this is the “Salvador Dolly”:


Ladies, you know that gentlemen always love the Bukkake look:


Uh, er…make that Kabuki, that’s right Kabuki.

Oops!   Sorry.

And guys, we didn’t forget about you!!!   We offer two conservative looks that are crisp and clean and criminal.   We’ve based these two examples on former  Bush adviser, Karl Rove.

VERSION ONE is the original Karl Rove:



And this is VERSION TWO:  The Karl Rove-Slash-Mark David Chapman, Beatle Killer



Back to Femalia.  Here’s our last offering.  It’s a two-part Max Factor-based homage to that little cherubic Brit and younger daughter of a one Mr. Ozzie Osbourne:

VERSION ONE:   The Kelly Osbourne


And VERSION TWO:   The More Dramatic  Kelly Osbourne-Slash-Lon Chaney as The Phantom of The Opera.


Cleenax Insta-Makeup promises to make YOU look lovely and ME, rich beyond the dreams of avarice!

Buy Cleenax Insta-Makeup where ever acne products are sold!!!!

Some assembly required.

Not available in parts of Arkansas, Southern  Idaho, Poughkeepsie and Fire Island.



  1. Enjoy your ruminations. One note, though. Your photo is Lon Chaney as “The Phantom of the Opera,” not Quasimodo

  2. Hilarious post Laurie. Thanks for the laugh. 😀

    Kudos to your company for developing such an ingenious and helpful product!

    May I humbly suggest these 2 possible variants to enhance the Cleenax line? How about a “Heavy Duty” package for the hopelessly hideous? And a “Natural” version, which looks like you’re wearing “no makeup at all”? Just a thought …

  3. Yes David and thank you. The Brain Trust and I are in the process of working on the ways and means of a De-Uglifier. A rather complicated device that essentially works like a humidifier, but instead of using water based steam, this will emit Chlorine Gas.

    We’re awaiting patent approval from the EPA.

    As I see it if you’re that ugly, then you’re an affront to humanity. And as the Bible tells those who read it, if something offends, burn that bitch up.

    It’s just my little contribution to maintain the beauty of this Big Blue Marble.


  4. Are you sure that the pictures of Karl Rove and David Chapman aren’t the same guys? Amazing. They look more alike than you and Papa Sam do.

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