Lauriestrology For 2009

zodiac

.(As divined by the sage and wizened profits from  Laurie Industries and a grant from Mutual of Bob)

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ARIES: This year will be a year in which you will probably sleep at night and wake up in the morning. You’ll probably eat some breakfast, lunch and dinner in between. Be careful though…don’t indulge too much. We know about that little intestinal issue. What? There are bladder problems, too? Can’t hold yo water, Miss Daisy?? Are you going to winky in your drawers?   Well, I guess that just Depends.

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TAURUS: For bulls, 2009 will be a breeze. Absolutely nothing can or will go wrong. Life will be as easy as pie and as gentle as a kitten. Happiness abounds everywhere you look. Shucks, we even predict that you’ll fall madly in love and you’ll receive a financial windfall. Interesting haircut!   Didn’t know Flowbees were still around! Oops! Gotta split. I’m running late for my compulsive liars group therapy meeting . Have you lost weight, too?

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GEMINI: The moon for the most part of 2009, oh you mighty, mighty twins, will be primed for dealing with that hair issue you’ve been ignoring since 1974. We suggest actually getting a few sprouts on your noggin as opposed to cultivating all the ones growing in your palm. However, it’s doubtful that anyone will even notice the difference. This will annoy you since you are quite the attention whore. I mean, you are aging and everybody gets an iridescent electric green Mohawk when they reach the big five-one, right!! Besides, it goes beautifully with your yellow teeth.

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CANCER: On every day that ends in “Y” this year, you will be approached by a large mole—attached to the chin of a very old woman, probably of Slovak extraction. She will offer you a bite of her power bar. Decline the offer, then spit three times, scratch your left arm with your right foot while you woof/bark the musical bridge of “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley. You’re probably thinking these ludicrous things are breaking some ancient Eastern European spell, right? Nah, we’ll tell you anything to make you look like a total ass in public.

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LEO: What’s with that gray tooth of yours? Yeah…that one? Don’t you have dental insurance at work? You should. Even if you can’t afford it, there are other ways to achieve that freshly “I just had dental cosmetic techniques performed on my teethices” look without those pesky “dental cosmetic” prices. It’s simple. Snag a bottle of Liquid Paper and apply liberally. If that doesn’t work, slather bean dip across all the teeth that aren’t gray. That’ll deflect attention. Promise.

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VIRGO: Begin ALL business correspondence throughout the first half of the new year by addressing everyone as “Piss Breath”. Defy social convention at all costs and wear sexually ambiguous clothing…but think: “French trollop”, all the while. If you’re in a position of authority, demand that all staffers in your employ take a urine test. Then, proceed to grade them. How? Don’t ask me! What am I—psychic???  But I can tell you, if you find blood in any of them, hell, that’s gotta be worth something!

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LIBRA: This year is a great time to be paranoid. You ARE being followed; your phone IS being tapped AND Big Brother is reading every one of your e-mails. As a result, the feds will no doubt find your collection of kitty porn. There goes your chance to play top to that bottom stud, Chairman Meow. Man, that is one crazy cat!! You’re facing arrest, so look your best. Shave something. Your cell mate is a very large, hairy 38 year-old man named Bethany Anne.   We suggest keeping a copy of a vintage Hardy Boys mystery firmly attached as a preventative ass intrusion device.   Good luck…really!

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SCORPIO: Do nothing but ride the elevator at the office all day long on every Tuesday.  Insist on having pretend conversations with an imaginary friend, standing in the corner. Make fart sounds with your mouth and accuse other riders of the dirty deed. If they protest, immediately tell them in English that you only speak Esperanto and nothing else. Then, make sure you get out on the third floor, exiting the elevator in a series of grande plies and scream, ”I’m ready for my close up now, Mr. De Mille!!!” followed by, “Search my crotch and you’ll find it’s that lightly floured fucking little Pillsbury dough bastard.  For the love of God, someone squeeze me!!  SQUEEZE ME!!!”

Then start weeping incessantly.

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SAGITTARIUS: If by some chance you live in Atlanta, this year you must insist on speaking with a Boston accent for one minute intervals every time the clock strikes :20 after every hour. Tell people you love Ricotta cheese, although it killed your uncle Cosgrove who drowned in a vat of it back in the Old Country, where they worship cheeses every Sunday morning. If someone asks you which “Old Country”, look at them oddly as though you’re watching a fly circling his or her face.   One last thing: when you’re introduced to new clients this year, say nothing and immediately drop on all fours to smell their asses.  Yip and pant twice for yes and once for “My, you smell freshly wiped!”.

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CAPRICORN: Don’t wear cologne at all this year. Why?  Because you’re going to develop your own line of fragrances.  Your introductory scent will be called “Oriface”…one of them scratch and sniff contraptions.  One problem though; well it might be a problem.  The scenet strongly resembles a half empty bottle of Ripple..  This  WILL attract unwanted attention from people who live in old refrigerator boxes in SW Kansas. Additionally, walk only on the right side of the street with your head completely tilted back. Run into the occasional flag pole or mailbox and when you do, back up making that irritating beeping sound like a big truck. Every once in a while, pretend to shift invisible gears with your right fist and shout, “Vroom, vroom!!!”

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AQUARIUS: What’s with all this talk about globalization? Nonsense!!! You tell them that your testicles are just fine. This is a good year to start that diet you’ve been putting off.  We advise walking up and kissing strangers. Once the herpes clear up, take a trip around the office and look for someone taking a little snooze at his or her desk. Grab a permanent marker and draw Harry Potter glasses around their eyes as they sleep. When they wake up, hold a mirror up to their faces and demand, with the HR Director standing by you,  that they admit they do in fact, think vaginas are the portals to hell AND that the “Lord of the Rings Trilogy” is a MUCH better produced series of…not movies…but movin’ pictures.

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PISCES: Sometime around March, you’ll finally find a pair of gym socks that have been missing. Look inside. There’s a treasure; it’s a wayward dryer sheet. Shout “Hallelujah” repeatedly into the face of the first person you see. Before you walk away, hand them a pre-written bill demanding payment for “services rendered”. Then, stand there impatiently with your arms folded, a scowl on your face and tap your foot incessantly. If that doesn’t work, pull out an unwrapped Tootsie Roll from your back pocket, take a large bite out of it and then say, “Wow, this some kind of tasty anal fruit! Want some?”

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8 comments

  1. Being a Gemini, I was a bit confuzzled by this, because I don’t have a hair problem. In fact, I have to shave my back or else people will think I’m wearing a sweater at the beach.

  2. Hmm, you’re pretty good, LK. I am a Cancer, and my paternal grandmother’s people were Slovakian coal miners who settled in Ohio in the late 19th century. No moles, though, and no Gnarls Barkley either, so I’m not sure whether to totally trust your powers or not.

  3. I’ve been away for awhile but must comment on some past posts.

    LK you said that you don’t go to sleep thinking of starving children in Darfur, but wish you did. Why?

    Karol, you wrote “It was “great in 08″-now it’s “gonna be fine in 09”. What is it going to be in ’12 and ’13 and so on? These are uncharted annual rhyming waters for us born in the last century, very scary.

    Went to an opera in Milan the other night that a friend got us tickets for (why? I have no idea, never mentioned we wanted to see opera, but what the fuck). We dressed up in the Milanese style and waited to be blessed with sophistication by some invisible hand that a rented tux and an evening gown that can be only worn once could offer. After an hour of our ears and eyes bleeding we excused ourselves to the audiences horror, bought a bottle of good old American Jack Daniels and sat in the Piazza del Duomo and got shitfaced. Now that is a Christmas that I’m thankful for as we will never forget it, we had a blast, we realized our limits, we made a few friends, there were no leftovers, and the best part is we didn’t have to clean up.

    Ciao

  4. Kel-actually I was referring to my personal life. I became a first time grandmother on Dec 2. 08 was great for me and I am hoping 09 is even greater. I don’t know about 12 & 13-haven’t found them to rhyme with any words yet.

  5. Laurie, for the past year I’ve been wearing Hawaii style shirts (I said it that way so I wouldn’t have to figure our how to spell Hawaiian) Does my Virgo fortune then mean that I can do a multi-cultural bit… French Trollop/Hawaiian sounds really kinky and might get my butt fired. But then, calling my boss Piss Breath sounds like it might anyway.

    Cheers dear friend, Have a Wonder-filled New Year.

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