Love & The Carcharodon Carcharias

When I think of love and how it has often played out in my life, this photo really kind of says it all…

shark-love.jpg

Right?

A gross exaggeration maybe, but not completely.

Entering into a love relationship when you’re not emotionally ready is a lot like swimming in shark infested waters wearing a swim suit made of chum.

I’ve spent a lifetime doing just that.

After all these years of falling in love and failing at it miserably, I know one thing for sure: that I know nothing at all about it.

Oh yeah..sure– you can read all the books like “The Rules” and “Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus” and you can even read “He’s Just Not That Into You” and apply what they say. You can live by their every line and treat every word like scripture if you want—but you shouldn’t because when the books are wrong, when you’ve let them lead you astray, to whom are supposed to turn?   Huh?  Who?

These books assume that every man is alike and that the blanket stances they stress regarding ways to handle yourself and your man will work in every relationship. Well, they won’t. Every relationship is idiosyncratic. Lump sum dime store self-help advice won’t always work.

Dr. Feel McGraw is finding that out the hard way and on syndicated TV, no less.

Sure, all men rose from the same gender-based primordial goo all those eons ago and as a result, they do share some of the same psychopathy. They have similar hard wiring. But one man’s view of the world is just that–HIS VIEW OF THE WORLD!! Every man is different. I learned that in a post from earlier this year.  I asked men for their perspective on a few situations that had happened to me and a few friends. I walked away feeling even more confused. I asked eight men and got eight different responses. Men are all so damn different! Hell, the only thing that the men in my life had in common was a penis…except for that guy in Austin named Jeff.   Hell, I’m not sure WHAT that was!!??!??

The reality is that women have to walk a rickety, narrow path that’s fraught with obstacles. We’re supposed to keep emotional distance WHILE trying to establish some semblance of close intimacy with these men. How impossibly passive/ aggressive is that?

At this stage of my life, I AM NOT in the mood to pretend I don’t care when I do and feign being busy when I’m not because being otherwise, might step on the toes of some hard and fast law of testosterone. I’m talking about the one concerning man not being happy unless he can chase and pursuit his female prey.

I can hear what you’re saying–then prepare to be alone, LK.

If that’s really your thought, blow it out your ass, THEN submit that argument elsewhere, Skippy!

At my age, the mere thought of a chase is ridiculous! Hell, half the men I’d even be interested in can’t physically stand up that long, much less waste time pursuing me or anything short of the exact location of the nearest restroom.

I’d throw my hands up in the air and give up, but you see, I’m not hardwired for that. So, instead of relenting and in my frustration, insanely agreeing to start pinch hitting for Rita Mae Brown’s team, I’m in the midst of learning about love. It’s a life course and I’m taking it pass/fail. Really, there’s no other way to do it.

And it has been educational.

So far, I’ve learned that love is elusive for many. It’s also wonderful and at times, incredibly painful. It can sometimes be quite easy and sometimes, it’s extremely difficult. I’ve learned that contrary to Eric Segal’s ridiculous drivel, love never negates the need to say “I’m sorry” and it is never, ever blind.

Not really, anyway.

Life is such a classroom. We can learn so much if we allow our memories to form the quill; our experience to become the ink.

And what about love? Where does it come into play? Well, after the quest for riches and libidinous satiation, love is one of the most sought-after intangibles known to man.

So the question then morphs in to this: how do you know when you’re in love?

Really, how do you know?

That very question was posed to me once.  I thought about it for a second, then I drifted back several years to recall one instance.  Minutes later through the miracle of Vodka, I was whisked back 37 years for the other time I knew real love and for a few fleeting moments, I remembered how it felt.

For some, it could be that you get light headed. Maybe your mouth gets all Sahara-esque or your nipples harden.

For me, it’s different.

It usually requires looking into his eyes. At first, I feel a tightening in my solar plexus…that means it’s preparing itself for the gut punch and/or kick that love will invariably dispense in the coming weeks.

Then, I wonder what this man looked like as a child.

Lastly, if it’s love, real love, I suddenly realize that my life is no longer just about me anymore.

.

.

Then six months later, he leaves me for someone younger and thinner and I end up wishing him perpetual penile flaccidity. Even in the midst of my anger, I find that always “softens the blow”.

flaccid.jpg

Well, for him anyway…

God, I’m funny!

.

45 comments

  1. It often doesn’t work out because of unrealistic expectations. It’s only worse when the fantasy we play out in our minds over and over again, doesn’t come anywhere close to reality.

    We’re all looking for the solid brass ring when a brass plated one will do just fine.

    Perfection is rarely met head on. Perfection grows as we get to the know our partners and only time can move that forward progression. You can’t know someone based on phone conversations and e-mails. It takes being cara a cara and a lot of work and effort and eating your words when you want to scream and talking when you don’t feel like opening your mouth.

    Both genders are guilty of this and if we both looked outside of ourselves and compared that to what we think we want and need to what and who is actually standing before us–WANTING TO BE WITH US–we’d be better off.

    We want the Hellenic face, the bod, the pecs, the great guy with the million dollar job or the chick with the great ass or one with a rich, old daddy. Funny, how those things can make an ugly person tolerable. But a poor man or woman with OK looks? And God forbid, no personality? These people end up living lonely lives, but that’s their call, really isn’t it?

    We all control our fates to a degree. At the very least, we control how we react to our fate.

    A guy I ONCE knew compared being with an overweight woman to a mo-ped. He said they’re fun to ride but you don’t want your buddies to see you anywhere near one. That’s just as sad.

    The shallowness of the human condition never ceases to amaze me and I wish to God it did.

  2. Why? He was much too pretty for me. Remember those blue eyes and long eye lashes? He had a convenience store in Stockdale, I was told, but he isn’t there anymore.

  3. damn, laurie. i didn’t have that outfit in jr high. what i did wear alot was a short, white jumpsuit that had navy and white dots on the ruffle around the legs. that was a “going to the show” outfit. oh, the memories i had in that!!!!

    the apple green one i wore in high school. enough said.

  4. No, I remember picking you up from the show and you were in that Apple Green number. Wasn’t the top part of a pajama ensmble?

    ATTENTION ALL LK READERS: Karol was voted “Best Dressed” in Karnes City High School’s Class of “73. Every Kendrick was a cheerleader in Jr. High and High School, but Karol…KAROL was a cheerleader……wait for it…wait for it…

    In college.

    You little minx

  5. You are an asshole form the git-go, Crappo. I do not like you at all. There’s nothing nice about you and you’re a horrible specimen of a man, if you are indeed one.

  6. I was just a jr college cheerleader. I had to quit because since I was involved with a controlling boyfriend he gave me a choice of staying with him or being a cheerleader. Guess which one I chose.

  7. Laur, remember when I got pulled over by an HP and you thought we got stopped because I bought a pack cigarettes?

  8. I had an empty suitcase in the back seat because we were taking that to Europe. It belonged to our neighbors, I think. The HP just shined his flashlight on it, asked for my DL and when he saw the last name, he said, “you’re Lug Kendrick’s daughter?”

    Nice to have a little pull.

  9. That was the true reason I didn’t remain a cheerleader. I did very well in my classes, because of it being a jr college, it was easy, Loser man.

  10. Laurie, remember the patchwork printed dresses we had? We could wear them as dresses or with jeans. Those were my favorite.

  11. I wore those hot pants in the KC pageant in the active wear category. What a joke that was. I did make the top 10 but that’s where it ended.

  12. Remember that red baby doll outfit? The one old man Lyssy said I looked like a Cupie Doll in. He was such an old fart.

  13. You got Miss Congeniality, bitch. That’s an honor. You got a trophy or something-they don’t give out anything for being in the top 10.

  14. That red thing with which we wore the matching monochromatic red turtle neck sweater?

    What about those cool looking Hang Ten outfits and my favorite, that navy and blue Hang Ten shirt?

    Why were we so crazy about Hang Ten? Cause those Brady Bitches always wore that shit?

  15. Little did we know those Brady bitches had many, many issues going on in their lives while we were trying to emulate them. Wonder if they wore their own clothes?

  16. I remember the story you told about going down a dirt road so fast, causing people to get thrown from your car.

  17. It just so happened it was the same color green as my bell bottomed pants. Didn’t make too bad of an outfit. Course, I also had the same color green Old Main Trotters to complete the ensem.

  18. I remember that! Oh my God, I’m laughing at their peril. I was such a fucked up, disturbed woman child, Cobbie.

    Call Kathy and get her in on this. The #’s are soaring right now.

  19. I remember being wasted myself and told someone I would waste them if I ever found out they were narcing on people. Remember that? I must have been out of my mind.

  20. He doesn’t know how to be nice. But I think Kathy will be able to hold her own with him. She did a good job with Nate.

  21. The heck w/ cable….I’m getting my wine and settling in for the night…this is gettin’ good…

  22. I with you Karol. Coon, Juan come out, come out, where ever you ARE!!!!!

    Wow, I went to San Antonio for the day and missed out on so much.

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