Picture Perfect (Redux)

Ninety-eight percent of the entire world is extremely non-photogenic.

And sometimes, cut-rate photography only exacerbates the situation. Sadly, if you were generally unattractive when you walked into the studio, when your proofs are ready a week later, you will find that even on special Kodak paper, you’re actually more unattractive.

And if your DNA, glacially slow metabolism, lack of dental insurance, taste in clothing and your unrefined hairstyling and make-up application skills weren’t bad enough, add horrific lighting, cheap and tawdry backdrops and schlocky, pathetic poses to the mix.

Put ’em altogether and they spell: P-H-O-T-O-G-R-A-P-H-I-C D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R

I have examples which were sent to me in a recent e-mail.

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This is Trey’s official yearbook photo after being awarded “Bitchinest Mullet” in the Junior class of Billy R. Cyrus High School in Sanguine Neck, Mississippi.

His Senior year, Trey was voted “Most Likely To Drive An ’85 Iroq-Z”.

He graduated in 1994.

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The famed “two-in-one” shot. Clark serious/Clark the impish scamp. The smiling pose makes him look like he just made a dubious batch of “ass crackers” in his pants.

The little devil.

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The Bartoviak family takes a break from it’s rough and tumble life traversing the rugged Cumberland Trail via a Conestoga wagon. This photo was taken just as Papa Wojciech , an amateur wheelwright, finished making necessary repairs. Minutes before, little Milos and Fermina played in the babbling brook.

Two days later, the dysentery took Mama to be with Jesus.

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Seven kids???? I’m impressed, but hey Mom and Dad–it’s a vagina; NOT a clown car!!!!!!!!!!

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Clyde and Doreen agreed that “The Brandy Snifter of Love” style made for the perfect wedding photo.

The style of their first anniversary photo? The loving couple has already made a decision..

Year One will be commemorated in the “Chafing Dish of Acrimony”.

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Fawn Laurel Rosencranz didn’t want convention to be a part of her Olan Mills experience. She wanted to get back to nature. So, for her backdrop, she chose this bucolic scene with an Abe Lincoln approved split rail fence, dead grass, a few shrubs and over her right shoulder, half of a wilderbeast carcass rotting in the afternoon sun.

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Proof of the very “hands on” nature of the Southern Baptists. More “laying of hands”, Trent and Bruce?

Go forth and drink and dance, you two same gendered ass clowns!!

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Nope. Don’t adjust your eyes. They’re fine. There’s nothing wrong with the photograph either. It wasn’t overexposed. Nothing like that.

It’s just that the Seventies really were that orange.

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Stanley bucked album cover tradition and elected to be photographed in drag (in a fabulous pastel yellow gown made of eyelet-lace and polyester charmeuse) as opposed to the stuffy jacket and bow tie look the other “boys in the band” chose.

You have to love his Alison Janney, early “West Wing” look. Few can pull that off. Stanley completely captured Janney’s homely, “come hither, then go away unless you can fix my face!!!” appeal.

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The Himmler Boys (now living in Argentina) are a close knit bunch, but one would think that Oma and Opa could’ve gone to “Der Lens Crafters” to spring for two more pairs of geek glasses for the un-spectacled “Teutonic kinder”in der family, Little Heinrich and Little Adolph.

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I’d like for you to meet Pete O’File, the nice, Irish man who just ADORES kids and lives across the street from the elementary school.

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An early portrait of famed bearded Hollywood director, John “Twilight Zone”Landis and his lovely bride, Trudy Lynn taken during the halcyon days of film school–well before one of his helicopters “killed” Vic Morrow.

Interesting choice of backdrop. It’s obviously that of a Communist library. Why else would all the books lean to the left?

AND FINALLY…

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Sissy Gallagher was selected from a bevy of zoftig High School beauties, to pose for the cover of the 2008 adult erotica version of Chuck Dickens’ book, “Tale of Two Titties”.

10 comments

  1. Laurie, remember the color of the carpet in the game room? The dad and little girl picture is the same color!!!!!

  2. Yeah, mother went ape shit with the earth tones back in ’68. I hated that house. I don’t go to KC that much, but when I do and I drive by there, I have a visceral reaction. Nausea and sputum.

    Those days are long gone, mercifully. Save for the Mark portion of that period of my life, it represents vile memories. Funny about MM–I think of him, but not as much. Other things have finally replaced him but what can you do about your first love? Nothing, nor should you.

    My one blissful memory of him is out in the back drive way under that white gas lamp. He was a freshman; I was in 8th grade. He was like a good seven inches taller than me and I remember he was wearing a blue shirt and jeans and was looking down at me and smiling. We were very close. It was position that is often, a prelude to a kiss. One hell of a kiss if I remember correctly. Mid Sis, things on my body that had no business curling, curled. Those fantastic blue eyes of his twinkled in the damnedest ways. I always knew where his heart was. I was so in love with him.

    Asshole.

  3. BBW? Laur, what I likes is women who are GGG. I’ll take the extra pound (or ten) of flesh on a woman who enjoys a sensual, sexual relationship over the self-absorbed sticks that I’ve dated over the years.

  4. Tom, Mozol to you. Seriously, I love a man who understands that the female body is uniquely different from our penis’d brethren.

    I respect a woman’s body. Real women have curves and real women also possess not one ounce of ambergris on their bods. Call it genetics, anorexia, wicked metabolism, of crystal meth. We’re all different in our own right and wonderfully lovely, regardless.

    Triple G???? Thank you my darling for never disappointing me with regard to showing your wonderfully, indelibly wanton pervy side. I love men like you.

    And one more thing, Kinkster…always remember that elevators smell different to midgets.

  5. Laur – you did know that GGG is shorthand for “Good, Giving, and Game,” right?

    Just so you didn’t think that I was referring to a bra size…

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