What should you do in case of a natural emergency or terrorist attack?
Well, if you have any interest in surviving, we strongly encourage you not to read this blog post.
Someone else actually did this first. But we lost the original satirical link, otherwise we’d give the author credit…honest! However, we can’t find it, but we promise it is the basis of this post. And it was funny, too! But as it happens, the ego-riddled, award-winning maestros d’hoot at Laurie Industries thought they/we could make it much sillier and far funnier.
And damned if we didn’t.
So, take a gander at these HILARIOUS, nonsensical artist renderings which were actually used as illustrations in an official website www.ready.gov, (circa 2003). The focus was on “informative” ways Americans could survive terrorist attacks and natural disasters.
1. At the height of an emergency, you must blow your “Help!! I’m either being attacked by terrorists OR in some sort of natural emergency” whistle. If you’re without a whistle, make sure bald, character actor Michael Berryman is nearby to yell really loudly.
Make sure any and all sound waves emitted are orange in color. If not, don’t bother.
You’re probably going to die anyway.
This is Michael Berryman.
The LA born actor suffers from Hypohidrotic Ectodermal Dysplasia, which is a rare condition leaving him with no sweat glands, hair, fingernails or teeth. No teeth? Really? He always plays assorted pudding-eating mutants and toothless malcontents. You might have seen him as “Pluto” in Wes Craven’s 1977 horror film, “The Hills Have Eyes”.
Study his face. Learn to love it. Chances are if you survive a nuclear attack, you’ll end up looking a lot like him.
Or marrying him.
Oh and as for the doll Michael B. is clutching? Well, I have no idea why it has two oddly anemic colored, juvenile penises protruding from it’s head in this horn-like presentation. But in a post apocalyptic setting, it really isn’t nice to stare.
2. Keep a narrow beam, greenish incandescent flashlight with you at all times. We think this will help, especially if you’re trapped under a collapsed Stonehenge.
3. If jagged parts of the ceiling, along with strange, red arrows are falling down on top of you, the ONLY thing you can do is to hide under a desk or table, curl up into a ball and fellate yourself.
If you survive, you should at the very least, offer to take yourself to dinner after wards.
4. If your crotch has been targeted by an over-sized aerosol spray container–and the substance is orange and considered toxic– it’s vital to assume a thoughtful stance a la TV’s Hugh Beaumont—an absolute vision in shades of bluish/gray–and ponder it for a while.
5. Abandon all contemporary radios and keep ONLY old school Boom Boxes in your home or office. Listen for official instructions….or some fresh jams.
Regardless of the information being disseminated, we suggest you either curl up in a ball and fellate yourself yet again…..OR deny anything horrific is happening by pretending it’s 1991. Put in an MC Hammer CD and rehearse your “Running Man” dance moves in front of a big, red arrow.
6. If you’ve been exposed to Anthrax, Smallpax or any assorted and sundry plague, douse your hand under a floating faucet which emits the same fake blue tinged water you see in amusement park fountains, while coaxing what’s left of an extremity of your absorbed Chimera twin growing out of your palm, to assist you in a good “scrubbin’.”
7. As we’re learning from our “Left O’Center” radical friends at Berkley, pink is the new color of global terrorism. Therefore, if you see any terrorist with severe conjunctivitis, encourage him to be nicer to Jews, try pork rinds just once and wash his filthy, blood-stained hands in generous portions of Pepto Bismal. We don’t know why, but we assume his hand diarrhea should clear up…like that!
8. If a mandatory evacuation has been ordered, attempt to do so ONLY in small, turquoise colored Ford station wagons with a utility poll protruding from the hood.
DO NOT drive if a wire is loose and hanging down or if there are small, orange lightning bolts in your general direction. That could be dangerous.
9. If you find that you’re the victim of a “dirty bomb” attack, chances are you’ve been exposed to copious amounts of dangerous radiation. Study the example in the image below: if your hand is deforming right before your very eyes and a fourth index finger is now growing from your palm, you must become very embarrassed and consider yourself a social outcast. Do this before anyone else does. You’ll be shunned anyway, so cower and turn away from people and light sources.
And by all means, stay the hell away from windows. No one wants to see that shit!
10. Exposure to vast amounts of radiation could also result in gigantism. If that happens, it is conceivable, that you could grow quite suddenly— 32 feet and higher in a matter of hours.
If you start start Manut Bol-ing, wqe suggest as soon as the “all clear” has been sounded, run–don’t walk to your nearest Blockbuster–duck inside (literally) and rent, “Attack of the 50-Foot Man” for new lifestyle tips.
Clothing will definitely be an issue as a result of your new height. Because your junk alone will be the size of a two story building (and…uh, congrats on that, by the way), you’ll need to wear a parachute for a loin cloth.
Urinate ONLY in Lake Superior.
Use Oklahoma as a litter box.
11. In a civil emergency, what does a hurricane, a bio-hazard symbol, one bird carcass and three dying trout have in common???
We have no idea.
12. And finally, for absolutely no reason in the world, keep a bad drawing of a can of generic orange drink and an apple with you at all times.
Well, there you go. You are now completely unfit to survive a windy Saturday afternoon, much less a national disaster of any kind.
I wish you good luck and God speed.