The E-mails & E-Miles Between Them Pt. 1

Hi,

I just wanted you to know that I haven’t thought about you once today and if I did, it was most assuredly, an accident.    And that accident occurred this morning at breakfast and then again around mid morning, lunch and later this afternoon when I flushed.    If it’s ANY consolation, that particular notion of you made me smile.

And now, if you’ll permit me to feign interest, I hope your day has gone well…as well as days can go for complicated women such as yourself.   Got your e-mail.  Gee, bitch much?

The reality is this:  I hope you know that nothing I ever say is meant to draw blood.  This is (as the kids say) “how we do”.  The adversarial roles we play were decided for us long before we met.  Guided by the stars, in effect.  We can’t help it.   Think about it, two strong personalities like ours can’t be anything but like the way they are.  So, draw your rapier, my dear and en guard!

Besides, you know that in some weird, distorted way that would boggle every shrink with ANY psychiatric acumen, we’re quite decently matched.  You’ve finally met someone as smart as you.   My, how that must confound you!

Even so,  I’d even go so far as to say that we may even be happy;  whatever “happy” means.

.

Him

Darling,

As for questioning the definition of happy in our world, how Prince Charles of you?

And that you’d even hint at us being “decently matched”, well that only forces to me ask if you’re taking your meds?  You’ve never said anything so decent to me as to call us “decently matched”.   If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were softening in your middle age.  Ah, the fear of an enlarged prostrate hath healing powers, does it not?

Tell me something, Narcissus, does it give you stage fright to even think about acting like a decent man?    I wonder that about you.

Well, unlike you, I can admit I’ve thought about you today.   But even so, I have decided that we are to spend this evening apart. I have good reason.

I am battling intense hormonally induced mania right now and considering the rapidly parabolic nature of my mood swings, I think it best that we don’t talk to each other tonight.  If we did, you’d undoubtedly say something smart ass to me in an emboldened attempt to be cute and/or clever and it would fail miserably and only result in my loathing you more.  And considering that you are already an anathema to me on my best day, it’s imperative that I not allow you to risk impugning this relationship any further.

And my darling, it already lies perilously close to the precipice of nothingness, ya dig?

And I do this because I know that in spite of your frequent and pedantic ramblings to the contrary, you love me.   Yes, I know you love me, and tragically, I love you.  And because you are probably the best/worst thing to EVER happen to me, I would like this relationship to last a while.  I’m thinking possibly forever.  But I assure you, that won’t happen if we talk this evening.

So goodnight.  If I’m able to obtain an emergency infusion of HRT in the wee hours of the morrow,  we might be able to commune mid to late Sunday morning.

Maybe.

.

Her

Sweetie,

Carry on, then.   We’ll talk tomorrow—MUCH later tomorrow.  God forbid I should attempt to feed the hounds tonight.

.

Him

Thanks Babe,

Wise decision on not “attempting to feed the hounds tonight”.  I do believe you need to pee with that thing, do you not?

Later,

.

Her

.

E-Mails & E-Miles Part 2

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4 comments

  1. From one woman to another: Sneaks in on tiptoe, places a pan of brownies quietly on the floor and slides them gently to The Laurie with the handle of a rake.

    Runs like hell.

  2. Are these real? If not or if they are, they’re funny even if I didn’t understand half the words you used. I don’t know what’s really going on with you lately Kendrick, but I hope you’re OK. I know things are kind of tough right now, but you’re a trooper. Things are about to happen for you. I;m rarely wrong. I feel this and on a lighter note, remind me, that if you and I ever date, I would need a portable thesaurus.

    You’re still a hell of a writer, my dear and yes, he would need “that thing” to pee with. You’re kind to remember that.

  3. Nice. Seriously, I revel in your ability to deliver such magnificent snippiness. I enjoyed a series of scathing email exchanges with the breakup of my last significant ex. He ended by telling me to enjoy my growing collection of wild animals. I retorded by reminding him that unlike anything I could say about him, my animals were all domesticated. And housebroken, for that matter. It was a good day.

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