And Now For Something Completely Different

A heartfelt thanks to everyone who submitted menu ideas and recipes for my upcoming dinner plans.

Every suggestion was so good and unique.  It’s a toss up between the Osso Bucco and the Pissghetti.   Veal or pasta in urine sauce; pasta with urine sauce or veal.  Gee, I’m torn, but I’ll make a decision soon.   In fact, expect an announcement in the coming weeks.

In the meantime, I’ve been challenged by someone much younger than me and paid a salary that makes me want to puke, who suggested that I should try my hand at writing an advice column.  My first response was, “How much?” and then I was quickly reminded that I’ve never tackled anything like this before, therefore I am an “unproven commodity” and often “unproven commodities” work for free.

And until “proven”,  this would be one of those free occasions.

It was then “suggested” that I get my feet wet with this new writing venture right here on my blog.   I hear tell that it’s cheap, easy, quite accessible AND would remove the magazine from any and all libel.

Thanks corporate America!!!

Cheap as bastards.

So, if both of my readers are game, can I use you as my first patsies, er uh, pawns...I mean, advice seekers?

You can leave your questions here in the comments section or you can e-mail me at Laurie Industries.

laurieindustries at

I need your name or sure, you can use a fake one and I’d like you to include the name of the city in which you currently live.

No question is off limits, but admittedly, my knowledge of quantum physics, polypeptides and Faust has been waning lately.  However, I vow that I will attempt to answer and provide obnoxious and irrelevant advice to any query submitted.   I’ll be serious if warranted–I have access to a wide array of experts in their fields, but know this:  I retain the right to edit a question to make it more palatable for a wide range of readers.

Both of you.

So, you gotta question?  Need some advice?  I’ll make every attempt to ferret out an answer.

Depending on how this fares; if there’s enough interest, I’ll publish every Thursday…this Friday if  there’s any response.  But subsequent posts will be on Thursdays.  One more thing, your willingness to submit a question to this column represents your willingness to participate  in this advice column and therefore, I can’t be held responsible for anything I tell you and all that other crap.

The intent of this so called “advice column” is tongue and cheek.  Seriously tongue and cheek

I also need a catchy name.  “Dear Laurie” is so passe and “Yo Bitch” is just a smidge too urban for this middle aged bag o’boobs.  Got any recommendations?

Well, there you go. I have no idea where this will go, if anywhere at all, but obviously,   this will take some time.  Hell,  even Pam Anderson wasn’t built in a day!!

Thanks in advance.


  1. Hi Laurie,

    I’m going to ask–how do I deal with a loved one (my youngest son-23yrs.) who sent me…HIS MOTHER…porn as Hurricane Ike was raging through Southeast Texas? As you know, this is where we live and I contacted him first, merely wanting to make sure he was safe at his father’s house. He was, but he responded with porn??? And to make matters worse, he’s now calling me asking for help with gas and food. I told him, NO, he needs to get help on his own. I’m not his banker or his porn depository.

    Well Laurie, this has really hurt me. Not to mention the fact that I’m completely baffled by the psychological strangeness involved in what he sent me of all people.

    Can you or perhaps, even a few of your readers can help me? I feel like I have lost a son!

    Christine in Hockley, Tx.

  2. So LK,

    What you got in your bag of advice tricks for ugly fungas toenails? I’ve tried all that shit, the creams and all that. Nothing happened. Still a fungus among us.


    Toadstool Toes Tommy
    Somewhere in Upstate NY

  3. Hey! I bring your readership up to THREE!!!
    I’m thinking of a question….just a sec….

    Okay. How can I get my students to realize that grade 10 boy humour is NOT funny? What does it take for a boy to become a man? I realize the pathetic humour never dies, but at least at some age they learn to keep it to themselves, right? RIGHT? How can I make that happen sooner?

  4. Dear Laurie:

    My wife told me to find a left handed squeegee (sic) sharpener. I have been to every store in town and all I get is unbridled laughter or dirty looks. Please help as this is also affected my love life. You see I never thought I would be in to colostomy bags until I met Sue, but she was into it and I was nervous at first but an exciting new opening has opened up in my life that I can’t let go and the squeegee sharpener thing is coming between us in a shitbag kind of way.

    Please advise or find me this device.

    Lost without my 4th hole lovin

  5. Dear LK,
    I recently entered a prestigious food contest wherein I am awaiting with baited breathe as I just learned that I am in the finals. I need advice as to whether I should be thrilled to be in the finals at all or insulted that I am in the finals with pissghetti…

    OK, just kidding. Here’s a real question. I have an older sister that is extremely needy, very talkative, and is always complaining – about everything, everyday. I can’t remember the last time she has ever been positive, seriously about anything. The recent death of our father has given her even more reason and fodder to call me 6 to 8 times a day, just to complain. I have tried to not answer the phone, but she will continuously call and leave hysterical messages until I finally answer. It is impeding my ability to raise my 3 year-old son, since I am on the phone all day and night. I’ve told her this, she apologizes but continues the same behavior. Any advice will be appreciated.

    Southern Goddess
    Fort Worth, Texas

  6. Dear Word-A-Matrix,

    Since hitting my mid-life-crisis years, I’ve been imagining myself in some (how shall I put this?) sensually stimulating circumstances with strangers. I’ve even thought about my husband doing the same, though I would NEVER suggest to him we would actually “do that” kind of stuff. …never the less, I still THINK about it. Does this make me Abnormal? And, any suggestions you have for me would be deeply appreciated.

    Skwirming in my chair, Houston TX

  7. Oh mother Christine:

    Get him a job with KBR in Iraq and instead of care packages in his time of need send him gay porn with a note that you don’t appreciate his choice or timing of straight porn and you won’t have it anymore and send him a pic of you in a burka eating bacon riding a goat. HE”S 23 let it go sister.

    May God Bless You

  8. Oh my, thank you very much for your words of wisdom! That was very funny! Again, thank you, very much Brian!!!

And now, you may opine your ass off...

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