My Covenant With You

“Covenant”  by Juliette Aristides

Contract law.

Not the kind that exists in corporate America OR the brand that often tips the scales held proudly by Blind Justice. I’m talking about the contracts we unwittingly make everyday with other hominids. Especially the contract we enter regarding relationships; those one-on-one things that signify all that’s right in relationships….


And all that’s wrong…


Two sentient, rational thinking adults understand that the giddy, wonderful, endorphin producing feelings of the first few weeks.. months…years (if you’re really lucky) are soon replaced with reality.

Reality doesn’t look the same, nor does it feel the same. But it changes couples and it’s up to the couple to be flexible enough to change with it.

In the beginning, we’re all a twitter.   Oooooh, shared carnality, which has it’s own language, spoken in sensual whispers by two people who feel it to the core.

Sex is frequent and ubiquitous. In the front yard, car, the kitchen; the dining room table; by the dumpster behind the Stop-N-Shop.  It’ll be exciting because we are excited. Love has sprung a leak.

It is substantial.

We back that up by always looking our best. You shave closer and I guess, so do I. You groom your hair more carefully; I actually apply make-up with the precise artistry of Emmet Kelly.

We still hold our stomachs in while we’re around each other.

And then, we turn “that corner”; the one that in time, every relationship approaches.

There’s morning breath. Dreaded morning breath with it’s nasty, “slice and bake” density. The kind that a dragon produces…..

…..and uses to incinerate everything in its path.

There will be evenings when we’re too tired to even count to six, much less have sex. I’ll make spaghetti that will taste the way feet smell and you’ll make stinkies in the bathroom.

We’ll try to pretend not to notice, but our gagging will be indicators too obvious to ignore.

Oh yes, things change. Suddenly, the glamor of us wears off and our pretty, new luster is gone. We’ll become very real in our eyes.

Very real and very flawed.

Suddenly, we’ll start noticing things that our “love goggles” once obscured .

You’ll one day focus on this long hair thing that I have Rapunzelling off my chin.

I’ll obsess over a skin tag on your neck that to me, looks a lot like Fred Thompson, (R) Tennessee.

Cursed familiarity and it’s damned ability to breed contempt—-BUT ONLY IF—we let it.

That’s why I’m presenting you with a covenant, Sire.  Our relatively new relationship is rapidly approaching a mile stone.  And this…this covenant,  is my way of conveying to you and reassuring you that I fully intend to be a willing participant in roughly 47-percent of that which we share in this relationship.

Sure, I’m authoring it and yes, it’s one-sided, but you can always use this against me as a point of jihad at one of our more rancorous Kendrick family reunions–or as we call them: Tikrit with potato salad.



  • I will always consider your feelings. I will put you first where applicable. For example: I’ll ask you what you want for lunch or dinner…except on those occasions when you’re buying.  Breakfast?  Fend for yourself.
  • I vow to be covert with regard to all the secret things that I will surreptitiously do behind your back.
  • I will try to get along with you at all costs. I will celebrate our differences and revel in what we have in common and will make every effort to increase said commonality. I will start with my vow to eradicate the toilet seat up/down mishegas. With that said, I will make this concession: I will learn to pee standing up, IF you’ll learn to pee sitting down.
  • I will NEVER ask you your thoughts about love and especially, about our relationship. Why should I? You certainly don’t know any more than I do.
  • I will rarely ever color in the lines you’ve drawn for me.
  • I will forgive you for being imperfect and more importantly, I will forgive myself for being equally flawed.
  • No matter what happens, we’ll have one thing in common: We’ll both always love you.
  • When Copernicus calls to insist that you are NOT in fact, the center of the universe, I will defend you by not agreeing with him—for at least an hour after he hangs up.
  • I will never, ever be of the ridiculous mindset that you “complete me”. Instead, I will always believe that you contribute to me.
  • I will try my best to be your friend first and foremost. I won’t always be successful at this and make no mistake–I will make mistakes. I will probably fudge the truth on several occasions. I’ll annoy you, infuriate you with my stubbornness and there will be times when you’ll completely understand why some people premeditate murder. It is likely that I’ll whine from time to time; get in a nagging needle or two regarding your work schedule. I’ll make your crazy when I lapse into “a mood” every once in a while. I will perfectly exemplify my imperfection. But I promise that I will work with you in order to work together. You have my word that I will try. We will have many common objectives. Reaching them won’t be easy, but then again, we do better when the odds are against us. Speaking of odd, you already know my family, right?
  • Lastly;  I am a grown up; responsible and self-sufficient. I do not expect you to rescue me or come to my aid every time I struggle. I am a smart, mature woman….but a woman nevertheless. I NEED to know I matter. And if your ego demands that you prove this every once in a while, by instilling in you a need to slay a metaphorical dragon or two, far be it from me to obviate your gender’s natural order which is of course, hardwired in that rather fetching little fuse box I call your head.

All I ask is that you please refrain from the inherent urge to kill the next time I kiss you with dragon breath.

Signed on this day, September 5th, 2008

I remain,


  1. why all the work??? you’re either soulmates or chasing a 401k or not. why break down the minutiae (sic)?? us boys pretty much have a soundtrack in our heads of the womens we are involved with, today it’s AC/DC Girls Got Rythem tomorrow it may be Skid Row’s Get the Fuck Out, but we still love ya’ll even when ya’ll make stinkies. Love your writing LK, even when I disagree with it. Ciao

  2. Why Brian…in our long, illustrious and adversarial Internet “relationship”, this is really the nicest thing you’ve ever said about my writing. I’d be touched by your comments if I were still capable of emoting.

    Uh, you DO know that this is a “humor” blog, right? And that means much..not all, but much of what I write is sarcasm and fully meant to be taken that way?

    Just checking.

    When you gonna start your blog? You’re a talented guy.


  3. If you can just live up to everything you said here, and get him to live up to his part of the bargain, too – it’ll be a relationship for the heavens.

    Yeah. Good luck with that.

And now, you may opine your ass off...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s