A Family Matter Plagues One Reader

Dear Abby,

I have a dilemma that I sincerely hope you can help me solve. I need your advice.

First of all, I live in Houston, not far from my father and mother who were recently arrested for growing and selling pot to three undercover agents. My twin brothers are in Ft. Worth, but are financially dependent on my two sisters, who are street whores in South Dallas. Due to a severe case of infantile rickets, one is quite bow-legged and consequently, the higher priced of the two. My brothers suffer debilitating mood disorders. This is probably exacerbated by the fact that they’re addicted to Fresca, baking soda and Contact cold capsules.
Like I said, they’re broke.
I have two older brothers, too: Nub is 39 and has a nasty hair lip. He’s currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother, Marty–the one with the Frankenberry and Count Chocula tattoos on his cheek– is having a sex change operation in Boston next month. “Martha” will be gorgeous, I’m sure.
As far as extended family is concerned, one of my cousins who has repressed memories of sexual abuse at the hands of an Albino street cleaner, lives in Austin and is married to a transvestite with Hepatitis C, “caught” by eating raw oysters…or so he says.

My aunt, (her mother and my dad’s sister) is a former Junior High teacher who’s was fired after it was made public that she’s being investigated by Child Protective Services. My very fixated paternal grandfather is not only a draft dodger, but a defrocked priest. After his forced departure from the Church, he started hitting the bottle.


We believe that lead to a serious child porn addiction which in turn, lead to a brief dalliance into acting. Gramps never had the performing bug before, but apparently he was bitten by it one day not too long ago. He somehow managed to land a fairly decent role on one of the networks and on his first try at acting, mind you!! He recently co-starred with NBC newsman, Chris Hansen on this…this hidden camera sitcom called, “To Catch A Predator”. My grandfather portrayed himself. The ordeal of celebrity must’ve been a bit much for him. I think he went underground because we didn’t see him for a few years after that. I saw him for the first time in forever at the Kroger last month trying to buy groceries with cigarettes.

Hhh’mmm…wonder why?

Herein lies my problem: I’m engaged to a former prostitute who was born and raised by members of an incestuous Mexican drug cartel in a disease ridden brothel in Brownsville. She works part time as a Manual Dexterity Expert at the “Happy Ending Massage Parlor” in San Antonio these days. She makes great money. In fact, we’re saving to buy her a prosthetic leg, an arm and a breast augmentation.

I love my fiance–she’s a terrific girl and we’re incredibly happy together. I’m looking forward to bringing her into the family. I think she’ll fit in nicely, but I want to be totally open and honest with her about all aspects of my life, including something that I’m not at all proud of.

Should I tell her about my uncle who supports Barack Obama for President? My whole family is LIVID not to mention, completely embarrassed by what we feel is a reprehensibly irresponsible decision!!!!


Worried About My Reputation

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