Al-Jazeera’s Typical Programming Day


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As we enter the last quarter of 2008, the war in Iraq wages on. We’ve learned a great deal about battles won and lost here in the new Millennium. We now know that the art of war is fought just as much in down time. Relaxation –if that can even be achieved in a war zone–is an important weapon against battle fatigue.

And in any conflict situation, communication plays a pivotal role; unfortunately, so does propaganda.

Unlike their jungle-bound counterparts so many decades earlier in Southeast Asia, U.S. troops fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan aren’t relegated to sitting around in the sand, listening to the Middle Eastern equivalents of Tokyo Rose. Nor or they forced to listen to safe, American friendly Top 40 pop tunes via Armed Forces Radio on tiny, plastic hand-held transistor receivers as their only form of entertainment.

Nay.Nope.

Nuh-uh.

Thanks to satellite and other incredible advances in broadcast telecommunications, our U.S. servicemen and women can now practically watch TV right on the field of battle. So, when they have a minute, many soldiers catch up on their television viewing. And on those days when there’s nothing on the meager 356 channels they have from which to choose, the oh-so broad entertainment spectrum that is Al-Jazeera can sometimes make all the difference in the world. Even if the subject matter is well….”skewed” toward being just a wee bit anti-American.

Here’s what Al-Jazeera offers it’s viewers (American G.I.s and otherwise) on a typical broadcast day:

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6.00: G-Hahd TV. Morning prayers.

8.30: “Talibantubbies”; Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher while La La is brutally beaten by the men in her village because she dared to show her thumbs as she attempted to make pita bread
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9:00: INFOMERCIAL; “Jihad Ladder System”
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11:30: ‘Hee-Hajj”. Down home country music/sketch comedy show hosted by Minnie Rett, the funny “homespun from the provinces” lady/crooner who atop her hijab, always wears a comical hat with the bazaar’s price tag still suspended from the brim
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12:00 pm:Dhimmi Moore and Friends”. Chat show featuring the actress and her celebrity friends. Tune in today as they make lethal devices out of everyday objects. The last ten minutes of show includes a cooking segment. TODAY”S SPECIAL: How to make delicious Ak-bars; rich, chocolaty goodness; now with more dates!!
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1:00 pm: “Un-American Idol”; Angry mobs of scruffy, swarthy Middle Eastern students–some approaching age 47–burn effigies of U.S. Presidents Reagan through George W. Bush in a public square
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2:00 pm: Children’s Cartoon Hour features an episode of the always entertaining, “R’Kat Man”. .Elton John sings the title song about this zany animated Imam in space
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2:30 pm:Jewzilla” Host, El-Allen Funt and his hidden camera captures angry Zionists caught in the act of being angry Zionists
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4:00 pm:Bedouin, Bath and Beyond”; Interior Designer, Shakira Pahlavi provides helpful household hints, plus fashionista, Mahtob al-Sadr advises on ways to hide tale-tell signs of Plastique and C-4 under one’s burkha
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4:30 pm “This Old Yirt”; a home show focusing on do-it-yourself remodeling on a nomad’s budget
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5:30 pm : “Middle-East Enders“; The entire London cast is jailed for un-Islamic behavior, repugnant grammar and poor enunciation
6:30 pm: “Top of the Prophets”; Will the Koran be No. 1 for the 5,163,728th week running?
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7:00 pm: “Who Wants To Be A Mujahadin?” Host, Mahmoud Rajish al-Philbin asks the tough questions. The audience will be glued to their sets trying to guess whether contestants will phone a mullah, go ‘inshallah’…. or seek the divine wisdom of the Islamic council
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7:30 pm Kafir Factor”; contestants are forced to eat pork and pork by-products for a diminished shot at entering Paradise where only 14 of the 72 virgins promised in The Holy Book will feed them raisins instead of grapes. Unfortunately, pork consumption means no manna from Heaven either, but contestants can get their fill of reruns of “Mannix” which is broadcast 24-7. Nothing says “Allah’s will be done” quite like watching actor, Mike Connors clutching the hood of a speeding sedan in the show’s intro
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8:00 pm Halal In the Family”; a classic situation comedy staring veteran character actors, Khalid O’Connor and Jinn Stapleton
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8:30 pm “Bride’s Head Revisited”: the rebroadcast of the public beheading of one recently married young woman who dared to walk six paces behind her husband as opposed to the appropriate ten paces
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9:00 pm “He and Shi’a”; the popular married couple are also two well known theatrical critics. Each week, they discuss the Middle Eastern cultural scene. As always, a new play written by a young soldier of Allah is featured. This week: a review of the Downtown Tehran Players’ production of “A Reza In The Sun”.
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9:30 pm : “Fatwah Actress” Grossly overweight B-List actress Kirsti Al-Lee can no longer fit in her burkha. The show chronicles her attempt to lose the weight that the Great Satan and Western carbohydrates helped her gain. In tonight’s episode, Kirstie enters a program. The laughs are abundant as she attempts to survive a difficult weight loss regime of stoning, brutal beatings and incessant subjugation at the Blotilla the Hun Health Spa and Jihadist Traning Facility in Afghanistan
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10:00 pm:The Gaza Good Time Hour” An arts program looks at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories and the fine art of rock throwing at Israeli tanks and check-points
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11:00 pm The Sunni and Sharia Show”. The husband and wife showbiz couple hosts this top-rated variety show featuring skits and live musical performances of songs that continue to top the charts. This week, they’ll perform their #1 hit, I Got You, Babel
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12:00 am End of Programming Day; Signals gassing of six thousand Kurds in the provinces
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The original concept of Arabic TV sent to me via e-mail. I have no idea who the original author was,  but all the new material, which is 97 percent of what you see above,  is mine..

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