Drive Up ATM Rules By Gender

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

“Please note that this Bank is installing new “Drive-through” teller machines. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts at the automatic teller machine. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps appropriate for your gender.”

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MALE PROCEDURE

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1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Roll down car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Roll up window
7. Drive off

TIME ELAPSED: 2.4 Minutes

./

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FEMALE PROCEDURE

1., Drive up to cash machine while talking on cell phone

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2.. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine

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3. .Set parking brake; roll down the window

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4. .Find purse; empty all contents on to passenger seat to locate card

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5. .Stop search to crank up the radio; favorite Goo Goo Dolls song now blasts over the speakers; grab hairbrush to simulate microphone; look in mirror to see how cool you look singing

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6. Realize that friend Rachel is still on the phone; tell her you love her and that you’re “best friends forever”; make kissing sounds; hang up

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7. .Attempt to insert card into machine. This involves 3.1 seconds (and minor muscle strain) to realize arm isn’t long enough

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8. . Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car

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9. .Insert card

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10. Re-insert card the right way

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11. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page

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12. Enter PIN; laugh when you realize it spells “tits”

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13. Stop for a minute to admire the how great your emerald and diamond ring looks on your finger as it sparkles in the sunlight; think about Craig; miss him. Hope that his new girlfriend gets opportunistic eye Herpes

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14. Forget what you’re doing; press cancel and re-enter correct PIN, laugh again at the “tits” realization

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15. Enter amount of cash required; wounder out loud if THIS TIME, cheap friend Bethany will contribute her share to the lunch bill

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16. Check makeup in rear view mirror; change radio station; you HATE the Coldplay

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17. Retrieve cash and receipt

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18. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside

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19. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook

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20. Shovel everything BACK into purse

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21. Re-check makeup

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22. Drive forward two feet; stop suddenly

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23. Reverse back three feet to realign with cash machine

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24. Retrieve card

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25. Re-empty purse; locate card holder and place card into the slot provided

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26. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver who’s honking incessantly as he waits behind you

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27. Look at “bird” finger; Notice that your nail polish is chipped . Lament for a few minutes, that the 30 dollar manicure, now just three days old, didn’t last very long

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28. Call friend Leslie to tell her about your nail polish mishap and crappy afternoon so far at the bank

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29. Trash talk about “best friend forever” Rachel’s new hair cut; laugh mockingly

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30. Tell Leslie goodbye; hang up. For a fleeting 2.9 seconds, feel guilty about not feeling guilty about talking about Rachel; Ponder briefly how many times the word “about” comes into play when you’re thinking. Shake it off emotionally knowing Rachel has done the same thing to you countless times before; Recheck make-up; fiddle with bangs

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31. Put the car in drive, exit bank property

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32. Drive for 3.6 miles

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33. Smell something burning

n
34. Release parking brake

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35. Check make-up one last time; grab purse; swerve just in time to barely miss 18-wheeler

n
36. Blame the truck driver; mouth the word “Asshole” as you apply lip gloss

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TIME ELAPSED: 2 Hours, 40 seconds

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9 comments

  1. Only you can make sexism this funny. I had to admit it, but there’s some truth in what you posted today. I laughed.
    “Opprotunistic eye Herpes”????? LK, you are such a trip.

  2. You forgot the part about the female actually having to open the door and lean out of the window anyway, instead of just getting out of the car.

  3. You got me at the Goo Goo Dolls. I was so prepared to be all “Pffft, I would never do that, even though I don’t drive.” And then there it is, my secret favourite band. Dammit!

    P.S. Blogrolling you on my fresh new alternate blog 😀

  4. This is so funny Laurie. I see this all the time. In fact, I learned a long, long time ago that when I see a woman with her car in reverse in a grocery store parking space it does not mean that she intends to back out of that space anytime soon. I just go find another parking space because I know she’ll be there for another 30 minutes. Parking at the ass end of the lot gets me home sooner than waiting for her to get her shit together and out of the parking space.

  5. I still work for a bank and how true! That was so funny and by the way alot of man, do drive away without their ATM cards, all the time.

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