Who’s This LK You Speak Of??

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This week is shaping up to be a bitch.

Too much drama. Waaaaay to much drama.

And as the photo above would indicate, I have an attitude.

And if that isn’t bad enough, I’m running low on crap to write about, I’m moody and dammit to hell, I’m just not feeling “fresh”. I’ve the worst insomnia, I’m tired, cranky and I’m crying over tampon commercials.

Wanna hear the latest malady???

I have inexplicable perspiration issues. Parts of my body that shouldn’t have sweat glands are now sweating profusely. And my body is emitting sweaty weirdness. Is sweat supposed to ball up when you make digital contact with it? Because, as God as my witness, I do believe I’m sweating mercury.

But that’s not the worst of it—my sciatica is killing me, I can’t sit for extended periods, rent in Boca is now through the roof and my son never calls me.

Oy!!

My God, I’m old and I’m Jewish!!!

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Before I sit shiva for my youth, I wanted to come up with a much better post before I completely go underground in the next several days. You won’t hear from me until next Monday, so both enjoy AND ration your reading of this till then, mi gente.

A few months ago, I went to a familiar site to see what she was up to and on one of her posts, she’d answered 50 interesting questions. So, I stole those questions and answered them. Here’s a replay of my responses.


1. What bill do you hate paying the most?

  • Which “bill” you ask? That would be Bill , my accountant. I hate that greedy son of a bitch.

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?

  • Third trimester; in utero

3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?

  • Yeah, after I took that “unfortunate tumble” off my bike, my piece of shit Schwinn 10-speed never called. .Bikestard!!!!!

4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?

  • I would never have ever gotten involved with a particular male individual. He is and always will be my biggest regret

5. Name of your first grade teacher?

  • Mrs. Doris Garner. Ironically, I remember she always smelled like pimentos. I don’t know why

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?

  • I really want to be in a position to explore the use of new personal pronouns in my life…such as “ours, us and we”. I’d like to explore these possibilities while all cozied up somewhere with the man of my dreams and our dogs in our comfy but tastefully appointed, Hampton’s shabby chic, incredibly warm mountain accessible home.
  • When I’m not perfectly embodying the metaphor of “being in love”, I’m writing the ASS out of comedy for a national publication that’s willing to pay me a hugely, exorbitant salary for a monthly submission

7. What did you want to do when you were growing up?

  • I’ve always wanted to finish in dead last place in the 2007 Weblog Awards in the “Funniest Blog” category. Mission fucking accomplished.

8. How many colleges did you attend?

  • Five..count ’em…five. Yeah, I was an educational drifter. But I graduated. Got sheepskin, Baby. I received my BA in Journalism in 1985

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?

  • It stunk less than the other shirts piled high atop Mount Laundry.

10. What are your thoughts on gas prices?

  • “Damn, gas prices are high!!”

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would it be?

  • Seville, Spain…Estes Park, Colorado, Montreal or I’d make a fabulous homestead deep in the Texas Hill Country. Sometimes, the Hills call me like a siren. It feels like home there. Freshwater streams and arroyos. Bluffs that over look crystal clear rivers. Indian country. Ceder and Mesquite. I am home in the Hills.

I2. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?

  • I haven’t slept since 2003. I would commit heinous crimes just for the opportunity to be actually awakened by the harsh, discordant sound of my alarm. Ah, precious, precious sleep

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?

  • I didn’t fall asleep but I remember lying down in bed and feeling down around by my side and wondering “What the hell is that? Am I feeling the pillow or is that my left one?”

14. Favorite underwear?

  • My jock

15. Favorite thing about the opposite sex?

  • Despite their pedantic pleas to the contrary, men are so very easily played.

16. What errand/chore do you despise?

  • Anything remotely involving housework

17. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?

  • Yes and I do. I try to at least once a month.

18. Get up early or sleep in?

  • How about “I never sleep”? On those rare occasions when I actually get some shut eye, I am a ridiculously early riser.

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?

  • Gossamer, the big, furry, orange, tooth-shaped, Chuck Taylor High-Tops wearing monster on Bugs Bunny

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  • Witch Hazel, the cute little brujita, also from Bugs Bunny. Every time she moved, bobby pins fell out of her hair.

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  • and Ralph Bakshi’s “Mighty Mouse”….HILARIOUS!!!!!

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20. Favorite thing to do at night with a guy or a girl?

  • I love to cuddle in bed, soft kisses are exchanged. Laughing is a must. There must always be laughter. There must also be a mutual exchange of love. I want to say “I love you” and must hear it said back to me.
  • Oh yeah— it’s fun with guys, too!

21. Have you found real love yet?

  • Interesting question. I thought I knew real love once. I was just a kid then but it was very real. At least, if felt that way. As for now? Everything I feel now can only be classified as a deep abiding affection. Or infection. Either way, it’s curability is in doubt.

22. When did you first start feeling old?

  • At 28, my hangovers became painful. Recovery took longer and overall, was a difficult process….like some sort of karmic payback for going out, getting waxed, not remembering who or what I did the night before. Things have just gotten worse ever since. I had a nasty car accident in 1991 and broke 11 bones. Eighteen years later, my body is still pissed off about that. After I get out of bed in the morning, my body creeks and snaps and pops and crunches so loudly, it sounds as though someone stomping on full bags of the large, economy-sized Doritos. I’ve learned that physically speaking aging, is in fact, a cruel, cruel mistress.

24.. Your favorite lunch meat?

  • That would be meats…plural. Ham and turkey and not that chopped shit either.

25. What do you get every time you go into Costco?

  • Hives..I get hives. I’ve only been once. I was underwhelmed.

26. Beach or lake?

  • I’ll go with a lake 90-percent of the time but I do love deserted beaches on cold afternoons, when the sky is overcast and dismal. To me, the beach is at its prettiest, when the day is at its ugliest. Gee…I just re-read that. I’m a fucking Longfellow with tits

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?

  • Amazingly enough, no. It’s just not as popular as the ritual known as “divorce”

28. Do you own property?

  • Do migrant workers count?

29. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?

  • I’d hate for anyone to see the video of my most recent colonoscopy. The set design was horrible and the landscape scenes  were pretty gross. Plus, the lighting was abysmal, costuming was shitty and a rectal fissure was COMPLETELY miscast as a polyp.

31. What’s your drink?

  • Ice cold beer makes me smile. A good Pinot Grigio is fine too and when the spirit hits me, there’s nothing like Dewars and soda in a cut crystal Double Old Fashioned glass.

32. Cowboys or Indians?

  • Neither, give me a Yap Islander any day.

33. Cops or Robbers?

  • Ponzi Schemers

34. Who from high school would you like to run in to?

  • No one. I’m still close to those who mattered.

35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?

  • KHMX (MIX 96.5)

36. Norm or Cliff?

  • Woody

37. Grey’s or The Office?

  • The Office, I guess though I’ve only seen a few minutes of it. Never seen Grey’s Anatomy. Didn’t have to; I read the book. (Anyone? Anyone??? Any med students out there?? My God, I’m ALL alone!!!!)

38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?

  • No need to name names. I know who he is and so does he. We share a mutual regret. That’s all that matters. It’s dead. Buried. Never to be brought up again for fear of rampant soul necrosis.

39. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work?

  • I work in a corner. The only thing across from me is a window. I like it fine, I suppose. It rarely talks and never grifles through my desk

40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?

  • Steven Colbert, but he’d have to cover up those damn weird elfin shaped ears of his

41. Indoors or Outdoors?

  • Subterranean

42,. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?

  • I had a minor fender-bender in which I was at fault. This was five years ago.

43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?

  • Why yes, of course, silly!! How do you think I know dinner is ready???

44. Last book you read?

  • I seriously can’t remember. I don’t even reconcile my checkbook. I bank intuitively. I like risk, I like to gamble. You know, I’m an “edge-liver”. I go up to an ATM machine and expect to see all cherries appear on the screen when I play. I love that ATM game. I win every time.

45. Do you have a teddy bear?

  • Yes, but he lives out of state

64. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?

  • You’re presuming a lot, aren’t you??

47. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?

  • To be honest, I’m not a big fan of Cali. If I had to go anywhere, it would be Northern California

48. Do you go to church?

  • Do I go to services regularly? No, but I have gone (quite recently) to meditate and say “thanks” for certain things. Sometimes, it’s all about the gratitude, but I don’t believe you have to enter an edifice in order to pray or express gratitude

49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?

  • A new relationship. Especially with myself

50. Name three things you’d like to accomplish before 2008 ends

  1. I want to learn more about Buddhism
  2. I’d like to spend this Christmas in New York City
  3. I want to be more tolerant and far less judgmental about people who are clearly beneath me

51. How old are you?

  • Would you believe that I’m a very sun-damaged 24? No? ?? OK then, I’m 49…..bitch

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9 comments

  1. I hope it’s okay, I’m stealing these questions for a “writer’s block” day on my own blog. Love your answers! Mine won’t be as truthful, I’m afraid. Too many people (my mother and my husband) read my blog for some of that info!

  2. You, my dear, are a hoot! I saw your recent comment at Mamacita’s and am enjoying your hilarious writing style here immensely. Also, I ordered Bic’s Precious Things and Sway from itunes at your recommendation and cannot get enough of her. Which is remarkable, because I am a classical music snob.

    Other things we may have in common: Stephen Colbert is the youngest of 11 children. I have 11 children. And, one of my daughters read Grey’s Anatomy for fun before she was strong enough to lift it.

    May I recommend yoga for the health issues you mentioned in this post?

    Alas, have you heard Shantala, also known as Benjy and Heather Wertheimer, from Church of Sky? I think they are Buddhist Jews or Jewish Buddhists. Songs you might enjoy are Roll Over With Me and Medrone from Church of Sky and Amba Parameshwari from Love Window. I use these often when I teach my yoga classes.

    My blog is pretty much dead, but I enjoy reading clever ones such as yours.

    Namasté!

  3. Don’t despair LK, your are loved by millions. Don’t feel so bad about your recent bout of B.O. I just came to grips with a self-originating olfactory assault that was heretofore unrecognizable.

    I am a late bloomer with almost nilch underarm hair. I was terrified of being a skin in junior and high school basketball games because I knew I would be called a punk for my lack of follical development. I focused on dribbles and passing as a result.

  4. I, too, was having a crap week, but you made it all better Laurie – thanks!

  5. I just discovered your blog and have spent most of the morning reading your offerings. You are not only hilarious but one truly gifted writer. I will come back here many, many times. Thanks for a great way to start my day.

  6. Wow, I just hopped over here from MJ’s Blog, and i now know more about you than i think i would have been comfortable with.

    Nice.

  7. I hate drama too. I love the photo. My favorite expression is “F*ck it”. And thats what I am feeling today, yesterday, the day before and the day before that.

    I am 28, I also stopped drinking like a maniac at 28 because I started nasty hangovers. And to face facts, I drank too much anyway.

    And Holy Sh#t! Those are a couple of my faaaavorite cartoons, along with Yosetime Sam when he is on the ship with bugs and bugs keeps throwing a match down the match where all of the explosives are.

    HA!

    Have a great day!

  8. I’ll answer a couple here:

    21. Have you found real love yet?

    Yes, I really loved my ex-husband. Still love him, just don’t like him very much. Does that count?

    14. Favorite underwear?

    Clearing throat…

    42,. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?

    Yes, my brand new Lexus into the ‘ex’s vehicle, with he and his girlfriend in it. He wasn’t an ex at the time. Not good decision making

  9. Do you have a teddy bear?

    Yes, but he lives out of state

    Awww….thanks, Laurie.

    Wait.

    You were referencing me weren’t you?

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