The Historical Subtext of Man and Politics

We are an interesting lot, we humans.

We’ve been on this Big Blue Marble an awfully long time. And contingent on your belief system, we either crawled out of the primordial goo and evolved OR….we just appeared as part of some incredible decree visa vie an incredible Creator.

Regardless of who or what sat at a big, cosmic drafting table and “architected” our design, we were given certain gifts. Gifts that would soon be esoteric to man and man alone. Once we discovered meat, we became carnivores and all that tasty protein made our brains grow. Then, we developed rationale. That’s when we realized that we weren’t supposed to be alone. So, we learned to be proverbial parts of the whole. We formed nomadic tribes and roamed the countryside in search of food and shelter. Select members of these tribes went out–far beyond that which we knew and were familiar with and that turned us into what anthropologist and feminists call “hunter/gatherers”. Our early forefathers learned to track wild beasts and with sheer cunning. Then, they killed them. They lived on mastodon and prehistoric carnivorous fishes. Out of climatic necessity, they called the mountains home in the summer and in the winter, the coastal plains were where they hung their Fred Flinstonian water buffalo hats.

And then came progress.

Two very important things were discovered or invented during this auspicious time. We’re talking two things pivotal to mankind: fire and the wheel. Fire was invented simply to create a bonfire which would serve as a Neanderthalic social setting. The wheel came about simply as a means to eventually get man to the bonfire. These things were the very foundation of modern civilization and helped to create the catalyst for the division of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

Liberal Democrats and Conservative Republicans.

As man learned to become more agrarian and we ate vegetation as well as meat, we became less nomadic. Man learned to farm and cultivate. He learned to till the soil. to reap the metaphorical fruit that was vital to his sustenance as a living being and of course, it was needed for the eventual production of beer.

Make no mistake: early man LOVED beer. That said, ancient breweries and bonfires were two things that would join forces to eventually become what we call “The Kiwanis Club”, today.

Neither the aluminum can nor the glass bottle were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for someone to learn how to mine, then smelt ore and for someone to figure out that by melting silica, you can create glass, they just stayed close to the brewery with mouths open and ready to swallow the heavenly nectar in any way they could. This meant a more sedentary lifestyle and THAT lead to the formation of villages, with fixed structures. Gone were the yurts made of animal skins and what not. Early man bid adieu to thatch-roofed huts; the wigwams and to the lean-to’s. The prosperous hunters lived in lovely enclaves in nice sprawling neighborhoods. This saw the advent of high end places like The Hampton’s.

The poor and those lacking in ambition lived in public housing. Hence, becoming the domiciliary precursors to East L.A. and Chicago’s Cabrini Green.

The men with drive and goals spent their days tracking and killing animals to roast over a raging fire. They met and exchanged stories and ideas. This was the beginning of what is known as “Republicans” and “The Conservative Movement.”

Other men who were weaker and far less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly grill fests and eating whatever was thrown to them. They paid for this peripheral existence by offering to do the sewing, the flower arranging, the hair dressing and interior design.

This, my friends, was the beginning of Democrats and the Liberal movement.

Please note that at this stage of being, early Dems didn’t have pulses and but their hearts did bleed. Their bodies didn’t have electrical systems either–not as we know them today. Their synapses were (and continue to be) fired by a prehistoric computer program of sorts; something called “al-gore rhythms”. Now, traces of this archaic program can be seen at Hollywood fund raisers or in actor, Leonard DiCaprio’s back pocket.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. This gender metamorphoses occurred frequently during the Pelosizoic Period. They had male-to-female names that still sound familiar today.

EXAMPLES:

  • Alice Franken
  • Michelle Moore
  • Harriet Reid
  • Cindy Blumenthal
  • Hillary Clinton

These were but a few of names of the primitive men who eventually became Democratic women.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of ferns, whining, the invention of group therapy, time outs for kids, Scientology, the ACLU, “The West Wing”, The Tony Awards and the concept of Democratic voting. Early on, this was used to decide how to divide the mastodon meat and other forms of sustenance that the Conservatives provided.

It would be a talent they’d never lose.

Modern liberals prefer expensive, imported bottled water. Anything “vichy“. Tofu, French food, anti-Zionist vitriol and Bush-bashing are standard liberal fare.

Here an interesting revolutionary side note: Democratic women were/are a mannish sort. Many have musculature (calf muscles, namely) and enough testosterone to make their menfolk jealous. This makes them aggressively ambitious, not to mention frequent lip and chin waxers. Many become social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, actresses, tubby ex-talk show hosts and group therapists for self-help groups. As for social contributions? There are a few: Liberals invented welfare, Neapolitan ice cream, two-for-one specials and all you-can-eat buffets.

Conservatives eat red meat and still provide for their women and proudly so. Conservatives are big-game hunters, cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, dock workers, firemen, doctors and many lawyers. They’re also police officers, bank presidents, judges, CEO’s of multi-national corporations, Marines, white athletes and several U.S. presidents.

Other than concepts, Liberals produce little or nothing at all, however, they certainly like to “govern” those who produce and they love to decide what to do with that which is produced and how it’s distributed to needy voters. And the needier, the better. You see, this party wholeheartedly believes in the vote/reward system. Consequently, Liberals invented New Orleans.

Liberal Democrats have through the ages, always believed that Europeans (especially the French) are more enlightened than Americans. Superior, really. In fact, many Liberal Europeans came to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed—in environmentally friendly Conestoga wagons. They settled in California mostly and with glitter and tinsel, created Hollywood. With Birkenstocks and bean sprouts, San Francisco was born. These are two places where they excelled at the fine art of trying to get something for absolutely nothing.

This determined effort by the Republicans who fix problems, is the principle reason why the elephant–the largest and most powerful land animal on Earth–became the symbol of Conservative Republicans.

Liberal Democrats, who fix blame, are still represented by the jackass.

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……………. .THE END

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(Concept taken from anonymous e-mail piece sent by friends)

6 comments

  1. Hey, Hey L.K.! Have a shot; it’s Bastille Day!
    (and you can find me in Indianapolis–yes, that would be in Indiana, since more than one directory assistance operator has asked, “Uh, so, like, um, what state is Indianapolis in?” following my tow rope i have strung between my apartment and the bar across the street,singing “La Marsiellaise” at the top of my lungs.
    Liberte, Fraternite, Egalite, mon ami!

  2. Wow. That was friggin’ hilarious.

    I’m posting about you and linking this today.

    *applause*

  3. I totally disagree with pretty much every word you said but love you anyway and would be terrified to actually debate you on any of it and, man, can you write.

And now, you may opine your ass off...

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