Funny, Funny Racism

I live in Texas.

Texas borders Mexico.

There are a lot of Mexicans in Texas; legal and otherwise.

A lot of Spanish is spoken in Texas. So is “Pocho”, a mode of speech used traditionally among the working and lower classes. It’s a version of Spanglish–a mixture of colloquial English and Spanish with certain English words made to sound “Spanishy”, either on purpose or by sheer accidental luck of the draw.

And therein lies “the funny”.

What you are about to read copy and pasted from an e-mail I received and make no mistake, it is a gross exaggeration of Pocho, but not by much.

So, is this racist? Hhh’mm–let’s examine that question with a question:

What is really killing the different ethnicities’ ability to get along?

A HUGE part of me wants to answer that with Colonel Mustard in the library with a candlestick, but I’d be wrong. What’s murdering our tolerance is our own intolerance. Yeah, sure we have to embrace our differences, but if those differences are funny, we gotta laugh at them too. And no, I’m not talking about the infernal “N word” or even worse insults along that line. I’m talking about funny speech patterns. Syntax. Pronunciation. Diphthongs.

Thinking this post is funny is no different than finding a New Yorker’s love of “bread and buttuh” comical.

Or how someone from Minnesota might respond–“I’m tokking about how rahten our winters arrrrrr” when asked about how cold the climate gets in January.

Or the typical Georgian drawl in which it takes 23.4 seconds to answer in a one-word affirmative.

So, is this post racist? Technically–perhaps, but don’t allow it to be, OK? In this current climate of sadness and want; in a time when it’s cheaper to fill up your car with Chanel No. 5 as opposed to Premium petrol, comedy trumps a negative look at “racial speech differences”  every time.

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BUDWEISER: Your girlfriend has a nice looking ass, BUDWEISER face so ugly?

BODYWASH: I can’t go to tha cantina tonite cuz no BODYWASH my kids.

SHOULDER: Mi tia wanted to become a citizen, but chee didn’t know how to, so I SHOULDER.

COCKATOO: My friend was in the bathroom and he don’t feel good, so I told him hurry cuz I had to COCKATOO!

SODAS: Mi vieja makes good tamales and SODAS her sister.

JUICY: Hey vato, I will roll the joint, and ju tell me if JUICY the cops!!!

JUAREZ: Mi viejita slapped me and I assed to her, Hey JUAREZ your damn problem! Chit!!

TISSUE: Hey vato if you don’t know how to do it, let me TISSUE how!

HEATER: My lil sister started to choke…Perro my mom told me to HEATER!

BRIEF: Hey homes, my lady farted in the car and I couldn’t BRIEF for chit or nutting!

JULY: Ju tol me ju were going to tha store but you don’t go. JULY to me! Julyer!!!

MUSHROOM: When my familia gets in the car……There’s not MUSHROOM left!

CHICKEN: My wife wants me to go to the store pero CHICKEN go herself!!

CHEESE: I went to dis bar and some vato try to hit up on my vieja. I said ay vato CHEESE with me!!

TEXAS: My pinche friend always TEXAS me on her phone with dumb jokes.

WATER: My vieja gets mad and I don’t even know WATER problem is!

HERPES: Me & my old lady order some pizza, I got my piece & chee got HERPES.

FRITO: After arguing with the pinche policia, he telled me I was FRITO go!

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5 comments

  1. This was hilarious! Also very reminiscent of Shelly Berman’s “A Hotel Is A Place…” but then again, I’m a hotel racists, so you know, whatevs.

  2. Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

    The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

    The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

    Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, ‘The first one who can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.’

    The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, ‘I love liver and cheese.’

    ‘Oh, how childish,’ said the Poodle. ‘That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.’

    She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says ‘How well can you do?’

    ‘Um. I HATE liver and cheese,’ blurts the Golden Retriever.

    ‘My, my,’ said the Poodle. ‘I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.’

    She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, ‘How about you, little guy?’

    The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua .

    He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says…

    Liver alone, cheese mine!

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